Feeling Minnesota

In the other football news last Tuesday, the NFL awarded the 2018 Super Bowl to Minnesota. Apparently the stiffest competition came from Indianapolis, which meant that the owner who got four felony charges knocked down to two misdemeanors got beat out by the one who's already had a judge call him a racketeer.

On Personal Responsibility, the NFL, and Getting Screwed Over

In the wake of the announcement of the lawsuit against the NFL, it's become popular for ESPN's in-house ex-player contingent to dismiss the suit's claimants as, essentially, whiny babies. The meme, stated memorably by Mark Schlereth, is that a player should take responsibility for what was done to him while he played, and by suing, these guys are trying to have their cake and eat it, too.

Great Moments In Mood-Swinging Sports Journalism

And this is why I love NBA journalism:

Before game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals:

"The Pacers are terrible. They're going to get run right out of the gym. I don't know why the Heat even have to bother playing the games. Also, Pacers coach Frank Voepel is a dummy, and Heat coach Erik Spoelstra is a genius."

Your Handy Dandy Guide to Donald Sterling's First Amendment Rights

And here's a reminder for all you budding constitutional law scholars out there:

Donald Sterling's banishment from the NBA is not a First Amendment issue. Mr. Sterling is not being prosecuted by any government agency for his words, as ill-chosen, hateful, embarrassing or stupid as they might have been. He is free to say as many dumb-ass racist things as he'd like, without fear that they will land him in jail. Ergo, his First Amendment rights are not being infringed.

It's Schafer Time. Or Maybe Not.

Sometimes, the funny stuff that happens in baseball never makes SportsCenter.
Take, for example, the sad case of Braves reserve outfielder Jordan Schafer. A former top prospect who blazed his way out of the Braves organization (and yes, that means exactly what you think it means) before returning as a surprisingly useful spare part last year, Mr. Schafer is not entirely happy with his role.

On Michael Sam and Toughness

The word we hear used more often than nearly other when talking about the NFL is "toughness". Coaches want players with toughness. Announcers love guys who show toughness, because "tough" players do things like break tackles, and that can be shown again and again in slo-mo to fill air time. Analysts praise guys for their toughness, because it's a great way to say a nice thing about a guy even if there is nothing else to say. Fans fall in love with players because of their toughness, because, hey, it's easier to imagine yourself as the not-as-talented-guy-who-nevertheless-gives-his-all-and-somehow-makes-the-team than as guy-with-star-level-talent-you-demonstrably-don't have.

11 Things We Learned From The NFL Draft

We won't know who "won" or "lost" the NFL draft for years. It kind of takes that long for players to develop, or not. We can, however, take certain things away that are strictly a result of the data provided by the draft, and that on-field production (or the eventual lack thereof) will have nothing to do with. 

To wit:

It Was A Really Thick Sandwich

Baseball injuries are the best.

Case in point: Matt Cain, starting pitcher for the San Francisco Giants, just got himself put on the disabled list as a result of a - and I am not making this up - sandwich-related accident. Apparently Mr. Cain was making himself a snack in the clubhouse before his start and decided to go all Top Chef on that sucker, because he sliced a finger open trying to cut it into "fancy little triangles".

NBA First Round Surprises

Do you remember when the 1st round of the NBA playoffs were all about the upsets? When Indiana was about to go down to Atlanta because they hadn't played well since trading for Evan Turner, and Oklahoma City was about to get knocked out by Memphis, and #1 overall seed San Antonio was on the ropes against 8 seed Dallas, and those veteran Nets everyone was supposed to be afraid of were getting pushed around by the Raptors? Remember how commentators were stone-facedly telling us that 3 of the 4 serious contenders for the title were likely to go down in that first round (which, incidentally, lasted longer than a Phillip Glass improv session, and probably contributed to the favorites' comebacks by allowing the more veteran teams to rest and recover).

Yeah. About that.

Never mind.

Feeling the Draft

This year, in an attempt to tear American families apart, the NFL pushed its annual player draft back two weeks to Mother's Day weekend. The logic, apparently, was that two more weeks of buildup to the draft would be two more weeks of people talking about football and doing mock drafts (replacing two weeks after the draft with everyone talking football and doing draft report cards, equally erroneous).  So far, the only apparent difference is that roughly 5% of the on-air time that used to be spent wondering if Jacksonville was going to take a left tackle you'd never heard of with their first pick is now spent wondering about the wisdom of that additional two week buffer.

So in order to relieve you of what must be the unbearable tension of waiting for the NFL draft - which, it must be said, is a glorified roll call that now extends over 3 days - here is the official Sportsthodoxy guide to what's about to happen:

Minus Several Million For Good Thinking

I remember going to a Carolina Mudcats game back in the day when Michael Pineda hit triple digits on the Five County Stadium radar gun. His first warmup pitch - he was with the West Tennessee Diamond Jaxx in those days - hit the catcher's mitt with a sound like shotgun being fired. People stopped what they were doing, all around that chatty, friendly little ballpark. People turned. People listened as much as they watched. And the numbers from the radar gun showed 100, 102, 99, 100, 101.

The Mudcats, who were not what you'd call an offensive juggernaut at the best of times during that 2010 season, were helpless. And I walked away from that game thinking I'd seen a future star.

Facts In The Case Concerning D. Sterling

So.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, staring down the barrel of a playoff boycott, pulled the trigger on Clippers owner and inveterate dirtbag of long standing Donald Sterling. Eager to lap the punishment MLB laid on Marge Schott back in the day, Silver has fined Sterling $2.5M (pocket change to a guy worth 1.9 billion or so), suspended him permanently, and announced plans to force Sterling to sell the team. It's clear, it's clean, and it's a win for those of us who prefer our sports without overt and gnarly racism of the sort Sterling has been spouting for years. Never mind that, as Dave D'Alessandro pointed out, Sterling is hardly the only charmer among NBA owners, or that the NBA has for years been aware of exactly what sort of creature Sterling is and chose to hold its collective nose and do business with him as part of the cartel anyway. Bomani Jones has already laid down the best word on that subject.

Baseball-English Translation Guide, Part 2

• "He just doesn't know how to win" - his team didn't score any runs while he was pitching.
• "What's important is that everyone in the bullpen knows their role" - the closer is simultaneously the most expensive and the worst pitcher out there, but even he can generally get three outs without melting down too often.
• "He's hitting the ball hard but right at people" - Other teams have scouting reports and position their fielders accordingly.
• "He's much less effective working from the stretch" - because that's what he does when there are runners on, as opposed to when the bases are empty
• "RBIs are much more important than getting on base" - The commentator has not yet figured out that the runs that get batted in are the result of someone getting on base.
• "Guys who take a lot of walks clog the bases" - Because aesthetically speaking, the clean, empty expanse of a base with no one on it is much more pleasing
• "He really wanted that pitch" - Because it was a foot and a half outside
• "The batter wants to know where that pitch was" - Because it wasn't over the plate
• "Should be an easy play for the left fielder" - But won't be, because this guy takes worse routes to the ball than Ponce De Leon
• "Struggling to find himself at the plate" - The Pointer Sisters have had a hit more recently than this guy
• "Still has to earn back the fans' trust" - this guy got caught using PEDs and everyone outside his team's home town hates him. The hometown fans, on the other hand, think he's the greatest thing since microbrews at ballparks, at least as long as he keeps producing. If he's ever traded or signs elsewhere as a free agent, his former hometown fans will suddenly decide en masse that he's a bum, while the new hometown fans will embrace him. 
• "He's a different hitter on the road" - And by different, we mean "worse"

Who The Good Guys Are

Once upon a time, everybody hated Bryce Harper. They hated him because he was cocky and arrogant and disrespectful (or possibly a 17 year old kid who had been told most of his life he was a transcendent talent and who was under an intense media spotlight from the age when it became possible for him to grow hair in awkward places).

This lasted for a while, until suddenly an idiot political columnist had a new idea: Bryce Harper, who didn't do underaged drinking and who went all-out on every play, even when that meant crashing into walls, was no longer Everything Wrong With Baseball.

Baseball to English Translation Guide, Part 1

Now that baseball season is underway, we here at Sportsthodoxy felt it would be a public service to translate some of the more obscure phrases in Baseballese into English for our readers. For example:

• "This team's got great chemistry" - Nobody's punched anyone over what music gets played in the locker room. Yet.

Must-Read x3

Here are three excellent pieces of long-form sportswriting that you should read.

• This one, over at SBNation, explores the world of an SEC football "bagman", who slips kids and families cash in exchange for results on the field. 
• This one, from Deadspin, is written by a man who used to manage boxers - and fix matches.
• This one, at ESPN, talks about what Yasiel Puig went through - and is still going through - in order to get to the US to play baseball. 

They are all sobering reminders that the machinery of big-time sports is lubricated, not just in sweat, but in money and blood, and that the blood can be shed unwillingly. Never mind stadium shenanigans or any of the other stuff we usually yell about here; all three of these are about what it takes to keep our sports entertainment flowing. 

Enjoy the reads. 

Under Mis-Standings

You want to know why not a ton of people get that into hockey's regular season? It's because you look at the standings and the NHL looks like a second grade spelling be where everyone's rewarded for participation.

Rauuuuuul

Raul Ibanez has 2000 more hits than you do.

Shark, Tanked

So it's Jeff Samardzija's turn to be That Guy.

You know That Guy. The pitcher who does a good job every time out there, but whose team suddenly decides that baseball bats are leading cause of deforestation and refuses to hit? The guy who can't buy a win for love or money, no matter how well he pitches? The guy who, for whatever reason, will have ten thousand fantasy baseball owners shaking their tiny fists, and tiny-minded commentators saying gravely "well, he just doesn't know how to win."
This year, the Shark has pitched 3 times. He has an ERA of 1.29. Last night, he went seven, allowing one run on six hits with no walks. He left with a 2 run lead, which the bullpen promptly coughed up. 

One Thumb Ligament Equals Two Feet

Everybody repeat it with me: headfirst slides into first base are dumb.

The latest casualty? Josh Hamilton, who ripped up his thumb's internal workings and will be out a couple of months as a result. This is not a new thing for Hamilton, who is making something of a second career out of doing dumb things early in the season that get him hurt, but it's a bad thing for the Angels, who were enjoying his small sample size return to form in hopes that he'd help them return to relevance.

Instead, this.

Why UMass Was Rooting For a Meteor

There was one thing guaranteed in last night's UConn-Kentucky championship game: UMass fans were going to feel screwed regardless. 

Why?

The Wisdom of the Aged, Fantasy Baseball Edition

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2014 Jim Vatcher Memorial League participants.
Not pictured: The guy smart enough not to show up for the game

As noted in this space last year, I play fantasy baseball. More specifically, I've been playing fantasy baseball with largely the same unlikely bunch of guys for a very long time; to wit, we just had our 24th annual draft.

In other words, I have coworkers younger than my fantasy baseball league. Which is exactly the sort of thing you say around the table at your 24th annual draft if you want everyone there to suddenly feel very old. 

Opening Night at the DBAP

"You know, we could stay on this mound and not have to go back to Gwinnett"

Last year, opening night at the Rogers Centre for the Blue Jays. This year, opening night at the refurbished Durham Bulls Athletic Park for the Bulls and Gwinnett Braves. Oddly enough, the number of passed balls was roughly the same, even without R.A. Dickey on the mound; Christian Bethancourt did a passable impression of J.P. Arencibia, which had him chasing baseballs all night.

Great Moments In Sports Talk Radio: 76ers Division

Overheard on ESPN radio yesterday: a debate over whether the Philadelphia 76ers, as currently constituted, could beat any of the Final Four teams in this year's NCAA tournament. And this was an actual debate.

Fun Times in DC

When Terrell Owens signed with the Dallas Cowboys, I was walking through DFW Airport. The TV monitors all over the terminal announced the news, and the locals went crazy, and I stood there quietly by the Dickey's BBQ Pit, giggling, because as an Eagles fan, I knew exactly what sort of three -trombone-down-a-blind-alley pileup that was likely to turn into. 

Now, a few years on. History repeats itself. Another mercurial ex-Eagles receiver, DeSean Jackson, has signed with a division rival. And again, the instinct is to giggle.

April Fools

We were going to do an elaborate April Fool's Day post, but then yesterday:

• Cliff Lee gave up 8 runs and still got the win.
• The Brewers switched closers during the first game of the season
• Don Baylor got seriously injured catching the ceremonial first pitch at last night's Mariners-Angels game
• The two time defending AL West champion A's lost their 10th straight opener
• Billy Hamilton got the golden sombrero
• Cubs-Pirates was scoreless until the 10th inning
• Ryan Braun got a standing ovation from Milwaukee fans
• Red Sox reporters - well, Dan Shaughnessy - panicked.

And really, there's nothing we can come up with to top any of that.

Things We Think We Think About the 2014 Baseball Season

"I'm trying to warn you about Seattle's roster construction, kid."

With Opening Day upon us (not counting proto-opening day, which happened in Australia and which we can only imagine looked like one long Outback Steakhouse commercial up to the moment when Yasiel Puig jumps into a pool to celebrate a victory and gets bitten by a blue-ringed octopus), it is generally time for baseball writers - and, more importantly, writers who know nothing about baseball but feel compelled to comment and/or vote for the Hall of Fame - to unlimber their trusty typewriters and write lengthy pieces previewing the season. We're talking predictions, scouting reports on every team, you name it, all at great length and all likely to be rendered irrelevant by the next injury report.

Seriously. Clayton Kershaw signs gazillion dollar contract, gets hurt. Who saw that coming?
But here at Sportsthodoxy, we're not going to do that. Instead, we're going to tell you what we think will be interesting. Because, frankly, that other stuff is way too much work, and we're much more into the sorts of opinions you develop over a Foothills IPA sitting in the seventh row at a Durham Bulls game.

That being said, we think:

• That it's going to be Tampa Bay and the Dodgers in the World Series, largely because Detroit seems intent on shooting itself in the foot and there's no way those guys in Boston pull off two in a row. We'd say it would be the Nationals in the NL, except we can't see anyone or anything associated with our nation's capital actually doing anything.

D-Jax Gone

We are never going to know all of the reasoning behind why the Eagles released wide receiver DeSean Jackson. On the surface, it seems like a really dumb move. Jackson was signed for three more years, he was in the prime of his career, and he'd just put up stellar numbers in new coach Chip Kelly's offense.

Kelly's offense is predicated on doing things really fast. Jackson is, for the record, really, really fast.

DAYTON DAYTON DAYTON DAYTON DAYTON!

My initial instinct was just to write DAYTON DAYTON DAYTON DAYTON about five hundred times, claim I'd hit word count, and hit publish.

But that would be wrong. Or at least, a little eerily reminiscent of The Shining.
So, let us take a moment, and some verbs, to consider the University of Dayton, which has advanced to the Elite 8 when nobody thought they'd be in the Big Dance to begin with.

DAYTON DAYTON DAYTON DAYTON ahem. Excuse me.

Abreu Into the Sunset

In about ten years, assuming that NASA study is incorrect and society hasn't collapsed into a Mad Max-style hellscape, we'll be talking about Bobby Abreu the way baseball statheads now talk about Tim Raines or Bobby Grich or Dewey Evans. He'll be the guy whose numbers don't scream "HALL OF FAME" at first look, but when you look at them more closely, you start realizing how good he was, and for how long.

And then you realize that there's no way in hell he's getting into Cooperstown, and you write angry tweets or something with the hashtag #Abreu4TheHall, which make you feel better but don't get him any closer to upstate New York.

But I digress.

O-and-Seventy-Six-er

I suppose I should wait to write this until after the 76ers have tied the record for longest losing streak in NBA history - and rest assured, they will. 30th in points allowed, 20th in points scored, bereft of the vast majority of experienced players they started the season with, they're simply awful.

8 Things We Will See Moving Into The Sweet 16

• There are 2 AAC teams still alive in the tournament: UConn and Louisville. There is one ACC team: Virginia. Look for ACC fans to start pre-emptively claiming Louisville as one of their own, even though the Cardinals don't jump conferences until next year.
• Roughly 98% of the locals grousing about how all of the NC Triangle teams have been bounced from the tournament will mention Duke and Carolina. Some will mention NC State. Almost none will mention North Carolina Central, which, at 28-6, had the best record of any of the bunch.

Random NCAA Tournament Thoughts So Far...

A few stray observations from the tournament so far...

• A 5 seed is code for "you were in the Top 10 earlier in the year but you're playing like crap now".

Does This Spring Training Storyline Matter, Round 2

Storyline: Manny Ramirez wants to play again.
Does It Matter?: No
Why?:Because there are a ton of aging DH types floating around AAA who'll give you more production than Manny at this point without the injury risk or the media circus. Dan Johnson, I'm looking at you.

Does This Spring Training Storyline Matter, Round 1

And it's time to play every baseball fan's fifth-favorite spring training related game (behind Will This Guy Help My Fantasy Team?, Is The Rookie I Never Heard Of Hitting .545 This Spring For Real, Oh Crap What's A-Rod Going To Say Next? and Whatever Happened To Jayson Stark's Epic 'Stache?), Does This Spring Training Storyline Actually Matter? Let's begin!

Storyline: The Braves Just Signed Ervin Santana
Does It Matter?: Yes
Why?: Because three-fifths of the Braves' proposed starting rotation came down with injuries this spring, and it's kind of hard to compete with a two man rotation. With two of their top five starters hoping to get a group rate discount on Tommy John surgery, the Braves went out and got the best pitcher left on the market because otherwise this season - which is one of the last seasons in which guys like Heyward, Simmons, and Freeman will be dirt-cheap - would have gone down the toilet. For the rest of us, it means we can stop hearing "Is the compensation pick hurting Santana's chance of signing?" The answer was, and always will be, yes.

Your Handy-Dandy SECOND Guide to NCAA Tournament Jargon

Last year, we published a guide to NCAA tournament jargon. As part of our ongoing outreach effort to educate, illuminate, and pre-write blog posts for GDC week, we are proud to present a further translation guide of bracketologist-to-English:

"A team no high seed wants to face" - A tournament team from a small (read: one-bid) conference that can play defense, shoot threes, and keep from turning the ball over. Teams like this have a habit of getting hot just often enough to send Kansas home in the first round once every five years; as such, this has become shorthand for "team that has a slim chance of pulling an upset so please watch the first-round games from Dayton". No team with this designation has ever gotten higher than a 13 seed.

Things We Learned About the ACC During The Conference Tournament

Incontrovertible truths demonstrated on the hardwood of Greensboro:

The way to beat NC State is to beat holy hell out of T.J. Warren. If Warren and someone else are scoring, the Pack is damn hard to beat. If Warren alone is scoring, they're in the game. If he's not scoring and nobody else is, they're done.  Duke understood this, which is why Warren was eating hardwood for most of today's semifinal. And nobody else really stepped up to make them pay for it.

Guest Post: How To Win A Large Portion Of A Billion Dollars

Every so often we turn the mike over to someone else, in part because we welcome other perspectives and ideas, and in part because anything anybody else writes is word count that we don't have to generate.

In that vein, we're pleased to welcome a contribution from game designer Rob Newns, who offers an interesting take on Warren Buffet's offer to pay a billion dollars to anyone getting a perfect bracket in this year's NCAA tournament. 

Helmetful of Hollow

That's how it ends for Steve Smith in Carolina.

With rumors the Panthers were trying to trade him, then with speculation, then with an unceremonious release. After that, the spin and the damage control, as GM Dave Gettleman said lots of nice things about the guy he'd just axed while tactfully not alluding to declining production, a mercurial personality, a complicated injury history, a large paycheck and worries that Smith took up too much of the locker room oxygen that's needed for the care and feeding of Cam Newton. Smith, for his part, hinted that he would have been happy to take a reduced role, said nice things about the team, showed himself off for new teams and only sideswiped Gettleman a few times in various interviews. The media, dutifully, lapped it all up as the outrage - how could they release STEVE SMITH - built in Charlotte. The tributes to his character and leadership, his production and his dedication to the team and area, all of them flowed freely. References to the multiple teammates he cold-cocked? Not so much.

On Getting Overexcited About NFL Free Agency

Here's the sad truth:

For all the frenzy surrounding it, there's very little your favorite NFL team can do in free agency to make any kind of difference. This is because free agency, as the NFL defines it, stinks. And by "stinks", I mean that it is so heavily slanted toward preserving the sanctity of owners' pocketbooks (and protecting them from their uncontrollable urge to spend like a drunken grandmother at Filene's the night before Hanukkah) that it does very little for either the players or the teams that it's supposed to benefit.

On The Exit Of The Turtle

For the past few weeks, you could hear it building.

All the ACC folk, cheerfully circling Sunday's Virginia-Maryland tilt at the end of the ACC regular season. Anticipating with pleasure the thought of a resurgent Virginia taking Maryland to task for the grievous sin of leaving the conference. Hoping out loud that the Terps' last regular season game would be a whupping of epic proportions, with league champion Virginia standing in for Duke and Carolina to do the honors. That Maryland would be ushered out of the league it was abandoning with an epic loss.

Heart to Heart

In the NHL preseason, Rich Peverly of the Dallas Stars underwent a procedure to address an irregular heartbeat.  Medical professionals monitored his health throughout the season.  It wasn't enough.  Less than a minute after finishing a shift 6 minutes into tonight's game against the Columbus Blue Jackets, he collapsed on the Stars' bench, and the ensuing emergency and concern caused the game to be called (it's postponed until an as yet unscheduled time).  For the record, he is alive and as well as can be expected in this situation.  When he came to and was able to talk to Stars' coach Lindy Ruff, he asked about the progress of the game.  You can't say for sure that there was no damage, but it's a good sign, I think.

Short term, this game was postponed, and Dallas' game tomorrow against St. Louis may also be postponed.  I'm not sure about tomorrow, but today, anyone suggesting any other course of action is wrong.  This impacts fans, and the teams, but those things are manageable.

The medium term repercussions are obvious.  Peverly will be out for some time to recover and determine his future with regards to hockey.  He's not a prolific scorer, but he has 30 points in the season, that's important.  Dallas' players will have to manage their emotional state, after experiencing an event like this.  Game schedules will have to be rearranged.

Long term, the NHL and the organizations involved in this come out smelling like roses.  He survived, with most if not all of his faculties intact.  His wife was present at the arena or at least able to get to the hospital with him.  The management of this medical emergency couldn't have been better, and the NHL is acknowledging the concern of the fans, both for Peverly as a person and for the more business oriented side of things.  I reserve judgement on how they will handle the people who came to see a game and only got just over 6 minutes of hockey.  But I think they'll do the right thing, for once.

Phil-Jax and the Terrible, Horrible No Good Owner

As of the writing of this post, Phil Jackson has not yet accepted an offered post with the New York Knickerbockers basketball organization.

To this dawdling, which we can assume is due to A)Phil's desire to join the Lakers instead B)Phil's reluctance to work for megalomaniacal meatball-faced wannabe bluesman James Dolan and C)the fact that the Knicks are an endless train wreck that, due to cap considerations, will continue to unfold in slow motion for the next several years, we can only say: please, Phil, take the job.

Book Review: The Stark Truth

When I was growing up in Philadelphia, Jayson Stark was my favorite sportswriter, and not just because he got Dallas Green to famously wear a shirt that read "#$%@ YOU JAYSON" on it to a post game presser. He was funny and he was quick and he had a seemingly magical talent for pulling out rare and wacky tidbits from baseball action that made you realize exactly how weird and unique and wonderful the Mickey Morandini unassisted triple play (or whatever other moment you choose) actually was. 

Dr. Frank Jobe, RIP

"An army travels on its stomach" is a pithy way of saying that logistics are important. The visible part of any enterprise is supported by a much larger structure of people doing incredibly vital jobs, without which the shiny stuff never happens. Watch a movie's credits; the drivers and key grips and effects artists outnumber the "stars" by a couple of orders of magnitude, and without their efforts, the damn thing just doesn't happen. 

And the same goes for sports teams. There's an entire structure underpinning the nine guys standing on a baseball diamond at any given moment. There's coaches, and clubhouse staff and grounds crew and traveling secretaries and bus drivers and ticket takers and a million other folks.

Ian Kinsler's Heel Turn

There's an important lesson for Ian Kinsler in all this:

Don't act like a complete jackass unless the local media really, really loves you.

Bruce Deserves Better

Follow me! Follow me to the Arena Football League!

All the jokes that need to be made about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' new uniforms have already been made.

Alarm clock numbers? Olbermann got it.

On Being a Derek Jeter Hater

Here's the thing about hating Derek Jeter:

People who love Derek Jeter - and I mean the ones who really, really love Derek Jeter - are like the people who get fired up every year around Thanksgiving about the perceived "War on Christmas". Never mind that If you look around, 90% of all stores are thoroughly bedecked in tinsel, that the Christmas carol-only radio stations have gone on the air, that damn near everything after the Detroit Lions give their annual feeble Thanksgiving effort is solid Christmas for a solid month. The folks who are convinced there's a War on Christmas will dig up the fact that someone in South Podunk, North Dakota said "Happy Holidays" to a Salvation Army Santa and use that as evidence that everyone in the world is conspiring to totally Grinch up the holiday. 
The Jeterphiles are like that. No matter how much praise gets heaped on The Captain, it's never enough. And anything that isn't pure, unadulterated praise is by necessity deepest, foulest vitriol. "WHY DO YOU HATE EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD AND TRUE IN BASEBALL?" they howl.
And the answer is, we don't. We hate you.

On Why The Draft Wheel Is A Very Bad Idea

As we thunder down the homestretch of the NBA season, the grim specter of "tanking" has rarely been more visible. The Philadelphia 76ers, who traded away pretty much every veteran with a pulse for spare parts and 2nd round draft picks (and then released or bought out those spare parts) have lost roughly 57 games in a row and are so bad that they're literally falling down on the court. They are doing this - the trading, not the falling down - in the interest of getting their hands on as many ping pong balls in the draft lottery as possible, in hopes of adding a superstar through the draft to match with this year's haul of Michael Carter-Williams and Nerlens Noel.

Bold Prediction: In 3 Years, Johnny Manziel Will Probably Be A Biped

Heard on the radio today: an earnest call-in discussion over what Johnny Manziel is going to turn into over the next three years. Sadly, none of the callers went with my guesses, which went A)a pumpkin B)a giant crime-fighting robot from the planet Cybertron or C)The Yellow King, and instead they droned on about how they knew Manziel had "it" on one hand, and how he was going to flame out immediately on the other.

The Boeheim Freakout, Reconsidered

One of the more interesting tropes I've come across recently is the notion that Jim Boeheim's freakout against Duke was a result of him being unable to handle the unfamiliar pressure of Cameron Indoor Stadium. Presumably it was this, and not an iffy blocking call, that caused Boeheim to go completely monkey @#$#nuts all over the refs while performing a half-Magic Mike.

To which, after due consideration, I can only say "nope".

By God Spring Training By God

So.
Spring training games have started. Baseball is officially, finally a thing.

And this happens:

10 Things We Learned About Hockey At Sochi

1. Going into the Olympics, people figured the US men's team was maybe the 3rd-4th best, with a puncher's chance of bringing home gold. Halfway through, after the US beat up on the international hockey equivalent of Louisiana-Monroe and got a lucky break against Russia, they were the favorite for gold. They ran into some teams that could play defense and ended up 4th, which is pretty much A)the story of U of Miami's football season and B)what we all expected in the first place. And yet, somehow this has become a tremendous disappointment. Perspective. It ain't what it used to be.

Baseball and True Detective: A Theory

As of this writing, the internet is cheerfully chewing on its own innards trying to anticipate the twists and turns of the last two episodes of True Detective. We here at Sportsthodoxy are big fans of the show, and as at least one of us is professionally dipped into conspiracy theory on a regular basis (and another is actually in politics), we thought it appropriate to unveil our own take on things.

Your Handy-Dandy Guide To The New Rules About Blocking The Plate In Baseball

Because we need more of this...

Why Is Everyone Mad?
Baseball, in conjunction with the players' union, has taken the unprecedented step of writing new rules that suggest umpires enforce the existing rules to prevent players from suddenly turning a play at the plate into the Seven Nations Rugby Championship. Old-school purists have decided that this means that they are wussifying the game, because there is no play more worth cherishing in baseball history than the All-Star Game collision where Pete Rose ruined Ray Fosse's career.

On Distractions

We're going to take the low hanging fruit  here, but someone's got to do it.

In the short span of time since University of Missouri defensive end Michael Sam announced that he was gay, we've had the following NFL-related reports of, shall we say, socially unacceptable behavior.

Whose House? Arne Duncan's House

If you are a national sports talk radio host and you are filling a segment - or multiple segments - with an extended kvetch over how the "celebrities" at the NBA All Star Weekend Celebrity Basketball Game aren't big enough celebrities for you to truly appreciate the event, your employers (who are in the entertainment business and thus presumably know something about how this whole celebrity thing works) may want to take a second look at your qualifications.

On Basketball as a Winter Olympics Sport

To all the columnists suggesting that basketball be moved to the Winter Olympics because it's a "winter sport", we humbly respond with:

You're wrong. 

Proposed New Olympic Events

Because what Sochi really needs is more unsolicited advice...

Jeter Announces Retirement

We were going to say something about this earlier, but we missed it, probably because it went to our left.

#rimshot

Rebuilding the Cleveland Way

Cleveland Browns Front Office Org Chart

Here is the normal process for cleaning out a front office and hiring a coach in the NFL:

1. Fire everyone in the front office. If there are people in place you want to keep, don't fire them.
2. Hire the people you want for the available spots.
3. Once your front office is in place and set up to go forward, proceed with hiring a coach. This ensures that the coach you eventually hire is the guy your GM wants to be coaching the team, and whom presumably he can work with.
4. Do football-type things.

Sam's Club

There will be roughly ninety zillion gallons of pixel juice spilled over the next few days over the fact that former Missouri defensive end Michael Sam has come out as gay in advance of the NFL draft. 

No Smart Puns

If you are a grown man whose greatest joy in life is paying huge amounts of money for the privilege of taunting 20 year olds you don't know, then there is probably something wrong with you.

No, Marcus Smart shouldn't have shoved the so-called Texas Tech "Superfan" (and "Superfan" is awfully close to "SuperFund", but that's neither here nor there) when the guy said whatever he said to Smart at the end of the Oklahoma State - Texas Tech game. Smart will almost certainly be suspended, as well he should be - the line between performers and spectators is one that should remain inviolate.

The Whos Are Playing Where?

The Dread Dormammu Commands You To Get A Smoothie!

The name of an athletic team is intended to inspire. It is supposed to be an aspirational name, a name that can be chanted by throngs of devoted fans. It is supposed to be an aggressive name, a name that supporters will want to wear on their replica jerseys and t-shirts and hoodies and jackets, that they'll want to slap bumper stickers and tiny flags of on their cars. Think Lions, think Tigers, think Bears and Broncos and Seahawks and Predators. It is supposed to be, in a word, awesome.

In Memoriam: Ralph Kiner

Ralph Kiner: 1922-2014

You couldn't have a Ralph Kiner today.

On the field, sure. 50 HR power plays in any era, no matter how bad your glove is. He'd fit right in with the Prince Fielders and Adam Dunns and Paul Konerkos of the world, merrily mashing away and providing post-game interviews worth listening to.

Follow the Stories

• The Oakland Raiders' cheerleaders suing the team over their frankly insane working conditions. (Note: Roughly 90% of the commentariat disdaining said cheerleaders for wanting to actually get paid would set their couches on fire if subjected to the working conditions of the average NFL cheerleader)
• The group of Northwestern University football players who want to unionize.
• The Eli Manning/New York Giants fake memorabilia scandal

Eleven Thoughts on the Super Bowl

A few thoughts from the smoldering wreckage of the Super Bowl. Let's be honest, this was a beatdown so bad that if you squinted, you could see the Jim Kelly-era Bills playing there. Even so, there were some useful takeaways - some on the field, some off.

Official Sportsthodoxy Super Bowl XLVII Prop Bet Betting Lines (for entertainment use only)

Yes, I know we warned you about gambling yesterday. But if you are going to bet on the Super Bowl, we can't stop you. We can only hope to inform you with the official Sportsthodoxy Super Bowl XLVII Prop Bet Betting Lines (for entertainment use only). Because let's face it, just betting on the game or doing one of those cockamamie grid things are boring. You want to know what are the odds that:

On Gambling

They did not build this by losing money to your Uncle Hector
and his "Foolproof betting method"

Once upon a time, when Dr. Mrs. The Sportsthodoxy and I were on our honeymoon, I took her to a casino. More accurately, we were on a cruise ship that had a casino on board, and our first day out of port they had a "get to learn how to play casino games" briefing for all us benighted souls on board. We bounced from table to table, with Dr. Mrs. The Sportsthodoxy, who is a PhD. statistician, making a few cutting comments about how efficiently the various games were designed to separate you from your cash, and how foolish various maneuvers seemed to anyone who understood basic probability theory.

At Least They Didn't Fake Aubrey Huff's Thong

"And this is the helmet I wore in Super Bowl 3"

Finally, something worth talking about at Super Bowl week.

No, not Peyton Manning's "ducks." Everyone who watches football knows that Peyton Manning throws flutter balls. They are incredibly accurate, high velocity flutter balls, but they are flutter balls, and no amount of chest-beating and "ZOMG DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID ABOUT SAINT PEYTON" po-faced disingenuousness is going to change that. It's a non-issue, and thus, a non-starter.

Beast A La Mode

Not pictured: Matt Kemp, Marshawn Lynch

My fellow nerds, it is official. We have won.

Baseball's Silly Sayings Season

Brad Boxberger: Somehow less exciting than a rampaging kaiju

In roughly two weeks, pitchers and catchers report to spring training, and something vaguely resembling actual baseball starts happening again. In the meantime, it's stupid quote season. 

I don't blame the sportswriters. There's nothing else to talk about, not unless they want to rehash for the 47th time how draft pick compensation is keeping a team from signing Ubaldo Jimenez. The big fish of the winter, Masahiro Tanaka, has landed. The biggest trade made recently involved Brad Boxberger as a key component, and if you know who Brad Boxberger is, you need spring training to start as much as I do.

Bold Official Sportsthodoxy Super Bowl Prediction

Anticipated field conditions, Super Bowl XLVIII

After much analysis and at least five minutes spent watching game film, the editorial board of Sportsthodoxy has come to the following conclusion:

What Can The Browns Do To You?

The Cleveland Browns finally have a coach.

He is not Jon Gruden. He is not Josh McDaniels. He is not, in fact anyone you've ever heard of.

Because Everyone Else Is Talking About Richard Sherman

You know who Richard Sherman is today.

You probably don't know the names of any other NFL cornerbacks that aren't on your team.
That, in and of itself, is enough. Sherman played the game the NFL and its media set up, and he won, and now they're mad about it.

If You Gaze Too Deeply Into the Phillies...

A few years back, it was fashionable to suggest that the Phillies - flush with cash, riding a wave of success, sitting on top of a major market - were positioned to become the Yankees of the NL. Now, with the signing of star Japanese pitcher Masahiro Tanaka (24-0 counts as a "star", yes), the Yankees have completed their metamorphosis into the Phillies of the NL.

UnBradyed

The Broncos' deconstruction of the Patriots yesterday hinged on precisely two factors. One was the complete inability of the Patriots pass rush to even ruffle Peyton Manning's thinning hair. (Seriously. Paint the guy green and he's the spitting image of The Leader from the old Hulk comics.) The other was Tom Brady.

O Hey They Paid Clayton Kershaw A Lot Of Money

When Clayton Kershaw signed his new contact, the ESPN coverage was over the moon. Tons and tons of Jayson Stark-style factoids about how much Kershaw was getting per win and per pitch, straight out past the Oort Cloud. The subtext, of course, was "CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MUCH MONEY THIS GUY IS GETTING TO PLAY A GAME?"

Except.

Dumb Things Overheard On The Radio

"If Payton Manning loses this game, I will no longer consider him the best quarterback of all time. Right now, it's Manning 1, Namath 2, and Brady 3" - spoken by a local sports talk radio host in all seriousness

Seriously.

Riddle Me This, Batman

Alex Rodriguez with his PED of choice

GIVEN THAT:

We know that steroids are supposed to enhance performance by increasing muscle growth

AND

We know pretty well how long it takes muscle tissue to grow

AND THAT

Noted upright fellow Anthony Bosch is claiming that he gave Alex Rodriguez "gummy" steroids before a game that helped him play better

AND THAT

Bosch also claimed that his steroids were undetectable and would be flushed out of ARod's system after the game

WE MUST CONCLUDE THAT

The steroids Bosch gave Rodriguez  grew him bigger muscles during the game that then shrank back to pre-game levels by the time of the locker room interviews. Alternately, we can go back over game footage and watch ARod's biceps inflate and deflate like Popeye eating spinach puff hors d'oeuvres. 

Alternately, we can assume that Anthony Bosch is full of crap, Alex Rodriguez is a grade-A sucker, and the WADA types collapsing onto their fainting couches about the supposed sophistication of Bosch's regimen are in fact publicity hounds taking advantage of the news cycle to gain some visibility to drum up business.

None of this absolves Rodriguez if he did or thought he was taking PEDs. However, it does mean that you can pretty much take the 60 Minutes interview in its credulous, lazy, agenda-driven entirety and flush it. 

Ten Things We're Pretty Sure We Think We Think About This Weekend's Football Games

Starting with number 1. Because that's where you start.

1. At no point will Peyton Manning and Tom Brady be on the field of play at the same time. They do not face each other. They face each others' defenses. Unless the NFL's new overtime rules include either an arm wrestling competition between quarterbacks after a quarter of OT or putting both offenses on the field at the same time, they will never play directly against one another. 

Our Last Post On Alex Rodriguez Until The Next Post On Alex Rodriguez

Bud Selig, Working His Way Through College

Perhaps the most important thing about the ongoing Alex Rodriguez saga is this: nobody is going to change their mind. If you think Rodriguez is the lyingest, cheating-est dirtbag that ever bagged dirt and he shoulda been fed to rabid weasels, then you're going to think that no matter what happens from here on in. If you're a tinfoil ballcap type who thinks that the whole thing was trumped up to give the Yankees payroll relief (so they could free up money for Tanaka, who would then be on the stage in the US's biggest media market - see? It plays!) you will always think that the whole thing was a setup and that this was done for the Steinbrennerbros' benefit. And if you believe that the entire hootenanny was Bud Selig's witch hunt against a player who made him look bad - imagine Bud as Thunderbolt Ross and Rodriguez as the Hulk and you're getting there - then you are never going to change your mind. Further debate at this point is a waste of perfectly good hot air that could be better spent debating if the Yankees are really chasing Logan Forsythe for a third base platoon, or if they're just drunk.

Bar Clark

Any of you guys feel a breeze, or is that just me?

The big news in baseball today, of course, is the announcement of the Cubs' new mascot. The plucky little bear is named "Clark", and he'll be the first mascot in Cubs history.

Presumably, this is part of the Cubs' rebranding effort, the one that includes ditching Old Style at Wrigley, upgrading the ballpark, and looking for trade partners for Jeff Samardzija. I don't necessarily agree with any or all of these moves, but let's face it, whatever the cubs have been trying since 1908 hasn't been working, so they might as well go in another direction. It's just unfortunate that one of the symbols of that new direction looks like it escaped from the reformatory behind the nearest Chuck E. Cheese, and will no doubt get compared to PedoBear by internet smartasses everywhere. (Note to Deadspin editors: encouraging your readers to post dick pics of something intended for children may be why some of the more reasonable BBWAA members thought handing you a Hall of Fame vote might have been a bad idea.)

The nice thing about a character like Clark, of course, is that there's no tradition behind him. So if he's a flop - or if his mama bear comes looking for him, as mama bears are wont to do - he can quickly and quietly be shuffled offstage. And in a few years, another attempt will be made.

One that, hopefully, will be wearing pants.

Off Brand Name Recognition

"I AM COACH GROOT!"

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that, having whiffed on Jon Gruden as their next head coach, the Washington NFL franchise instead hired Guardian of the Galaxy Groot, on the grounds that it sounded kind of like Gruden, and his limited vocabulary (which consists entirely of "I AM GROOT") would make for fewer controversial statements at press conferences.

Petrino Tells Louisville "Take Me Back, Baby, I've Changed"

Not actually Bobby Petrino - note the lack of motorcycle

Bobby Petrino.

That's all you have to say. Any time anyone starts talking about the mission of college football or how coaches mold young men or the stern character lessons instilled in weight rooms and spring practices, just say "Bobby Petrino".

Why? Because Louisville, having lost their head coach to Texas (and my, weren't some of the Horns faithful charming about that - remember, Red McCombs made Ziggy Wilf look good) signed on for a second go-round with Petrino. Why? Because he wins football games, and that means nothing else he did matters.

9 FACTS ABOUT THE 2014 HALL OF FAME VOTING THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT BELIEVE

BBWAA!!!!

1-The Fact that Greg Maddux Did Not Get Elected Unanimously Does Not Matter

Greg Maddux is, by any definition of the word that does not include the phrase "anyone but Greg Maddux", a Hall of Famer. That he was going to be elected to the HoF in this, his first year of eligibility, was a foregone conclusion. That shifted the conversation to "WILL MADDUX GET IN UNANIMOUSLY?", which was ridiculous, because we all knew he wouldn't. Going in, we all knew that there would be some self-described martyr nailing himself up on the Calvary of Cooperstown who would submit a blank ballot. It happens every goddamn year, and it happens in multiples now that PEDs are in the mix. So all the shock and disbelief and geshrying over the fact that Maddux - like literally every player before him - didn't get a unanimous call is just drama llama-ing.

5 Thoughts On The Last BCS Title Game

The BCS, shown actual size

And none of them are about Jameis Winston, because until the inevitable independent investigation and the civil litigation happen, what's the point:

1-THE BCS IS NOT ACTUALLY GONE

14 Predictions for the MLB Hall of Fame Announcement

Wednesday, a group of privileged individuals who taken as a whole have the collective reasoning of a half box of dominoes, will render judgement on the current class of MLB Hall of Fame Nominees. Not many surprises are expected, but you can always count on us at Sportsthodoxy to provide you with valuable, advance insight on the goings on for tomorrow's Hall of Fame announcements.

With that said, here are 14 predictions for the MLB Hall of Fame Announcement:

Cooper's Droop

Not Hanging With Mr. Cooper

It started with Riley Cooper, and it ended with Riley Cooper.

The season started, after all, with Cooper in the news for getting drunk and saying a bunch of stupid racist crap at a concert. It ended with a play Cooper didn't make, which is somehow fitting. And the Eagles player who was most upset with Cooper, cornerback Cary Williams, was off the field for one key play when New Orleans converted a third-and-long against his replacement. It's the ironies that make the narratives, after all, the little links that weave the web of what in hindsight looks like inevitability.

Reminder: Dan Snyder is a jerkface

Via Deadspin, here's a link to how Washington football team owner/miserable human being got a dedicated public servant persecuted over a course of several years. The guy's crime? Whistleblowing on some illegal bullpuckey Snyder had pulled in order to get some trees on public land chopped down because they obstructed one of Snyder's views.

Upshot: The guy's career was ruined, the trees are dead, nobody involved was penalized except for him, and Snyder's added a few hundred thousand in value to his property.

Remember that the next time you feel like saying "but the owners take all the risks". Because they don't. It's the guys who stand up to them who do.

No Sale

This is what happens when your marketing team does its job a little too well.

Wouldn't It Be Great If...

Skip Bayless: The Early Years

Sometimes Christmas comes a little late.

In this case, shortly after the holiday, ESPN announced they were hiring noted ex-fullback Tim Tebow as a football analyst. Tebow was available largely because A)ESPN, through the efforts of braying Mad Hatter lookalike Skip Bayless, turned him into a Name and B)he can't actually play quarterback in the NFL. Seriously, in a year when the Browns are mourning the loss of Brian Hoyer, the Bills start a guy from Duke, and John Kitna is on a roster for week 17, if your phone doesn't ring, it's probably never going to. 

Monday, Bloody Monday

From Sunday evening into early Monday afternoon, five NFL head coaches lost their jobs:

• Rob Chudzinski, one-year head coach of the Browns (record with the Browns: 4-12)
• Leslie Frazier, 3.5-year head coach of the Vikings (record with the Vikings: 21-32, with one playoff appearance -- a loss to the Packers in 2012)
• Mike Shanahan, 4-year head coach of the Washington football club (record with Washington: 24-40 with one playoff appearance -- a loss in the wild card round while hosting the Seahawks in 2012)
• Buccaneers 2-year head coach Greg Schiano (record with Tampa: 11-21)
• Lions 5-year head coach Jim Schwartz (record with Detroit: 29-51 with one playoff appearance -- a wild card loss)

That's the Back, Jack

Lost in the tumult from yesterday's Romopocalypse, wherein some dude randomly taking his shirt off in the owner's box after the final play - presumably for a ritual flogging - has become a national sensation, is the fact that the NFL is apparently going to fine the Cowboys. Not for being the Cowboys or inflicting Kyle Orton on a national television audience, though Lord knows, either of them is certainly a hanging offense. 

Your Upcoming Cowboys-Eagles Clash

Sunday night, the Eagles and the Cowboys go at it for all the marbles in the NFC East, which basically means "the chance to play a pissed-off Wild Card team from a superior division in the first round". The winner goes to the playoffs; the loser goes home. Adding spice to the mixture is the common knowledge that if the Cowboys don't win, coach Jason Garrett can start cleaning out his office, and the fact that Dallas QB/human lightning rod Tony Romo, who took PR lessons from Alex Rodriguez, is allegedly out with a bad back. Whether this is actually the case, no one knows, as the Jerrydome leaks rumors like a drunk contributor to Crazy Days and Nights. With that in mind, here are a few possible scenarios we'll see on Sunday.

(Bear in mind that very few of them involve the Cowboys actually winning)

A Tip of the Cap

Just remember, on Christmas Day, that when you're watching a basketball game or a Bowl, you're not just watching the players. You're watching the camera operators and the broadcast crew, the hot dog vendors and the ticket takers, the venue security and the venue cleanup crew, the guys standing in the parking lot in orange vests getting people in and out as fast as possible and the people who got there early to make sure the beer taps were turned on and the nacho sauce melted.

Nothing happens in a vacuum, and a lot of people give up their Christmases at home with family and loved ones in order to give us something to throw popcorn at the screen over when we just can't stand talking politics with crazy uncle Louie from Poughkeepsie any more. So tip your caps to everyone who makes it possible for us to watch sports on Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and every other holiday. Because their work matters, too.

All We Want For Christmas

Here at Sportsthodoxy, we're a simple lot. We like our games good, our sports team owners insane, our municipalities unwilling to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to support corporate welfare, and our mascots ridiculous. Which is why we have but a few basic things we want for Christmas, or the religiously appropriate seasonal equivalent thereof. Here's what we want under the tree (or menorah):

1. Someone to record and shoot a video for "What Does Coach O Say", starring Ed Orgeron. (Hint: It sounds like YO YO YO YO YO YO YO FOOBAW").
2. John Clayton to finally admit that, yes, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is his father.

Boras Fails! Except Math!

One of the narratives going around today is how Scott Boras, in getting his client Shin-Soo Choo picked up by Texas, "failed". 

Look, as the producers of the American version of Godzilla were told after their "flop" of a movie grossed $379M worldwide, "Fail like this every time". He got an outfielder on the wrong side of 30 a 7 year contract worth $18M a year. This, in a year when free agents recently signed to long-term deals are the second hottest item (after David Price) on the trade market, because, hey, someone figured out what the words "decline phase" means. 

Parting of the Hairston

The coverup is worse than the crime.

That's the takeaway from the messy, pointless conclusion to the P.J. Hairston mess at  UNC. Hairston, the team's leading scorer last year, was suspended for "impermissible benefits" before the season. He was caught driving a rental car (and good luck getting one of those if you're under 25 and not a star athlete) provided by known criminal "Fats" Thomas, then ran into trouble in a couple more borrowed cars over the next few months.

(Side note: On a certain level, it's weirdly old-school for the crook in this piece to be nicknamed "Fats". It's like we just took a sharp left turn into a '30s gangster movie. But I digress.)

What's The Phanatic Say?

Somewhere in this house, there is a picture of the Phillie Phanatic planting his snout on top of the head of a 10 year old Richard Dansky, taken at "Sports Night" at the lost, lamented Temple Judea of northeast Philadelphia. Also in attendance: local sports reporter Rod Luck, but that's neither here nor. Suffice to say that the Phanatic and I go way, way, waaaay back, and that I have always been staunchly pro-Phanatic.

Until, perhaps, now.