Saturday, December 28, 2013

Your Upcoming Cowboys-Eagles Clash

Sunday night, the Eagles and the Cowboys go at it for all the marbles in the NFC East, which basically means "the chance to play a pissed-off Wild Card team from a superior division in the first round". The winner goes to the playoffs; the loser goes home. Adding spice to the mixture is the common knowledge that if the Cowboys don't win, coach Jason Garrett can start cleaning out his office, and the fact that Dallas QB/human lightning rod Tony Romo, who took PR lessons from Alex Rodriguez, is allegedly out with a bad back. Whether this is actually the case, no one knows, as the Jerrydome leaks rumors like a drunk contributor to Crazy Days and Nights. With that in mind, here are a few possible scenarios we'll see on Sunday.

(Bear in mind that very few of them involve the Cowboys actually winning)

Outcome 1:
Kyle Orton - the man who was once benched for Tim Tebow - plays on Sunday. The Cowboys manage to give Nick Foles 3 more concussions and somehow, Dallas pulls it out somehow. In the first round of the playoffs, they get pureed by some combination of San Francisco/Arizona/New Orleans/Carolina, but that doesn't matter. Cowboys fans decide that they have finally found themselves a quarterback who can win big games, thus setting the stage for another 12 months of Romo-themed drama that nobody actually wants.

Outcome 2:
Kyle Orton starts. Kyle Orton loses. Cowboys fans decide that it's Romo's fault for not being clutchy enough to play, and demand Orton be the starter next year anyway, because Cowboys fans never make any goddamn sense.

Outcome 3:
Kyle Orton starts but gets knocked out of the game early by an Eagles defense that suddenly remembers it was once coached by Buddy Ryan and Jim Johnson. Backup John Kitna, recently rescued from a gig as a high school math teacher, steps in and is John Kitna, which is to say that the Eagles win. Cowboys fans admire Orton for "taking one for the team" and "playing tough" when he tries to come back into the game despite telling a team doctor that it's being played on Barsoom. Cowboys fans also blame Romo for failing to pick up the linebacker blitz that nearly decapitates Kitna in the 3rd quarter, and demand the Cowboys sign Matt Flynn or trade for Kirk Cousins.

Outcome 4:
The entire "Romo is too hurt to play" shtick is revealed as gamesmanship by Princeton-educated Cowboys coach Jason Garrett, who not only has Romo start, but also installs the Princeton offense. Dez Byant gets hurt on a pick-and-roll at the Eagles' 37, and the Cowboys lose the game 44-22. Coincidentally, Princeton loses its basketball game to Rider that night, also by a score of 44-22. (Note: I have no idea who Princeton is playing Sunday, or even if they are playing. This is a joke. Kindly treat it as such.)

Outcome 5:
When Kyle Orton gets planted in the turf like a legitimate member of the Stark family, Romo straps back in, gets himself doped on painkillers and leads a heroic comeback despite the fact that the Cowboys' defense couldn't stop Fleetwood Mac from thinking about tomorrow, much less LeSean McCoy. When the Cowboys' final, desperate effort comes up short in the last seconds of the game, he receives a standing ovation from...

Just kidding. They're going to boo the hell out of him even if he gets his left leg ripped off mid-play and keeps on going downfield.

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