Tuesday, December 24, 2013

All We Want For Christmas

Here at Sportsthodoxy, we're a simple lot. We like our games good, our sports team owners insane, our municipalities unwilling to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to support corporate welfare, and our mascots ridiculous. Which is why we have but a few basic things we want for Christmas, or the religiously appropriate seasonal equivalent thereof. Here's what we want under the tree (or menorah):

  1. Someone to record and shoot a video for "What Does Coach O Say", starring Ed Orgeron. (Hint: It sounds like YO YO YO YO YO YO YO FOOBAW").
  2. John Clayton to finally admit that, yes, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is his father.
  3. A peasant uprising of talented sportswriters to sweep over Grantland, banishing Bill Simmons to a forced labor camp in the sports gulag where all he can write about is lacrosse, and any attempt to make anything he says about Boston, a trip to Vegas, or his fantasy league will be punished with thirty days in the hole.
  4. Tony Romo to get traded to a team with a defense, and to promptly win a whole bunch of playoff games as a result.
  5. America to finally, collectively admit that we don't give a good goddamn about 98% of NCAA violations, that student athletes should maybe A)get paid B)be put in a position to actually get degrees that will be useful to them when most of them fail to move up to the professional ranks and C)stop carrying the frustrated ambitions of portly middle-aged white car dealership owners who miss their own glory days playing backup outside linebacker for their long-since-closed high schools
  6. America to finally, collectively stop losing our crap over the ill-defined "PED" scandal, and start losing our crap over the actual crimes committed by people we insist on shoveling millions of dollars at to get our sportsball fixes. See also: Wilf, Ziggy. 
  7. Someone to start a profile on an aging wide receiver who was kind of a jackass when he was younger and then abandon the narrative of "older, wiser, team leader" by pointing out that the guy's still a jackass, just one who's a little older than he used to be.
  8. Brandon McCarthy, who is one of the smartest, funniest, most thoughtful athletes on Twitter, to have a stellar, injury-free year.
  9. Donovan McNabb to just go away already. First rule of standing in a hole, Donovan: stop digging.
  10. A forcible divorce of Dan Snyder, the Washington football team, Robert Griffin III and Mike Shanahan. Send Shanahan to go coach Texas, Griffin to the Jaguars so they can know what a quarterback looks like again, Snyder to someplace we don't have to read about him any more, and the team to a new owner who understands that it would be a really smart business move to rename them something a little less racist (so she or he can then sell everyone in the greater DC area new, rebranded jerseys and tchotchkes).
  11. And while you're at it, Cleveland Indians...
  12. The Baseball Hall of Fame voters to realize that they are not electing the new Pope and instead do their jobs, namely, to honor the best players with enshrinement in Cooperstown. Or, to put it another way: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, PEOPLE.
  13. The Tim McCarver-shaped hole in baseball coverage be filled with Dirk Hayhurst.
  14. ESPN, just as an experiment, to try some NBA coverage that does not consist entirely of A)What LeBron had for breakfast B)WHAT THAT MEANS FOR THE LAKERS and C)umm, maybe Blake Griffin dunked or something
  15. The next sports talk radio host to seriously devote a segment to "Is Tiger Woods finally back?" to be struck by lightning. 

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