Super Bowl LIII Post-Mortem

Here's what happened in the Super Bowl. The Rams' offense is predicated on play action. Take away the running game and you take away the will-he-won't-he threat of play action. With the Rams' running game essentially stuffed all game, play action wasn't really available to them and when it comes to straight drop-backs, Jared Goff simply is not that good.
The Patriots didn't do a great job either, with Tom Brady missing check downs all night, but he didn't need to do much. This was not so much a game of dominating defenses as it was one of floundering offenses - Brady had a weak game and no, it wasn't because Aaron Donald was in his face all game. And Goff was just bad, throwing wounded ducks all night and making decisions a second slow even when he had time, which was often.
In short, it was a terrible game, and everyone outside of the Patriots' bandwagon will cheerfully admit it. To think we were this close to Chiefs-Saints.

The Patriot Under Center

Here is the state of the quarterback position for the New England Patriots going into week 4:
First stringer Tom Brady is A)suspended and B)sunbathing naked
Second stringer Jimmy Garoppolo has an injured shoulder and may not be able to play
Third stringer Jacoby Brissett has an injured thumb and may not be able to play

Which, in case you hadn't noticed, is all of the quarterbacks, potentially leaving the Patriots with none.

Our Final Word on DeflateGate

The official, final Sportsthodoxy position on DeflateGate:

1. Read this before you say anything. Because context is important. 

10 Key Questions For This NFL Season

As kickoff for the first full slate of games approaches, we must ask ourselves:


1-What will Bill Belichick have to do on the field to get Patriots fans to admit he doesn't always play entirely by the rules:

The Sounds of Deflategate's Aftermath

The following are the sounds of the Tom Brady suspension:

(Brady, for those of you living on Mars, has been suspended for four games next season for his role in "Deflategate". In addition, the New England Patriots have been fined a million dollars and stripped of two draft picks, a #1 in 2016 and a #4 in 2017. And the two Patriots employees who carried out the nefarious plan have been suspended indefinitely without pay, but they don't actually play football so nobody appears to care about them. But I digress.)

"IT'S NOT FAIR THE LEAGUE HAS IT OUT FOR US BECAUSE WE'RE SO AWESOME" - The sound of the New England Patriots fan, who is constitutionally incapable of admitting that Tom Terrific or indeed any of his heroes could ever possibly conceive of ever possibly doing any possible thing ever wrong - unlike those mooks who play for the Jets, who are just the scum of the Earth. Until they come play for the Patriots, at which point they're awesome. Until they leave to go back to play for the Jets again.

Your Pete Carroll Conspiracy Theory Is Dumb

Normally in the wake of a close Super Bowl loss, the losing team's fans start indulging in conspiracy theories as to why their hometown heroes lost and they were deprived of the opportunity to set their favorite couches on fire in the street. The usual suspects include the refs, the NFL, organized crime and, presumably aliens, not necessarily in that order. A bad throw on 3rd and 9 becomes proof that the losing team's QB was being held in a basement somewhere by burly men from either Palermo or Murmansk (take your pick) who had wagered millions in Vegas; a blown call becomes evidence the refs have been ordered not to mess with one team's chances of winning.

10 Things Social Pressure Is Forcing Me To Think About That Patriots Ball Thingie

Because if you're going to opine on something sportsish this week, it has to be the shriveled balls of New England.

1. The compulsive need to "name" the "scandal" with something cute like Deflategate or Ballghazi is a stunning indictment of the mainstream sports media's inability to produce anything above lowest common denominator hurr-hurr-hurr material. That being said, I look forward to the day when Bill Belichick is caught rigging the turnstiles at Gillette Stadium and the resultant furor is labeled "Gategate".

Cheatery and 3 Minute Drills

Thoughts on Division Championship Sunday

1. In New England, "taking the air out of the ball" is no longer just a metaphor. If it is confirmed that the Patriots deliberately deflated game balls, that puts the league in an interesting position vis-a-vis who actually should be playing in the Super Bowl. (Word is the Pats will be penalized draft picks. Clearly, the penalty here is insufficient deterrent.) Alternately, it also puts certain members of the Patriots' support staff in imminent danger from individuals with the middle name "the" who wagered large amounts of money on Indy's ability to cover the spread.

UnBradyed

The Broncos' deconstruction of the Patriots yesterday hinged on precisely two factors. One was the complete inability of the Patriots pass rush to even ruffle Peyton Manning's thinning hair. (Seriously. Paint the guy green and he's the spitting image of The Leader from the old Hulk comics.) The other was Tom Brady.

Ten Things We're Pretty Sure We Think We Think About This Weekend's Football Games

Starting with number 1. Because that's where you start.

1. At no point will Peyton Manning and Tom Brady be on the field of play at the same time. They do not face each other. They face each others' defenses. Unless the NFL's new overtime rules include either an arm wrestling competition between quarterbacks after a quarter of OT or putting both offenses on the field at the same time, they will never play directly against one another. 

Not a Professor of Economics

Last night, on ESPN radio, there was a discussion of the comments former Patriot Wes Welker made about his former coach, the Hooded Nemesis Bill Belichick. Welker, perhaps understandably, noted that he felt he had done everything the team had asked him to do, and that his last year there, Belichick had still singled him out for unwarranted criticism.

After the season, of course, Welker got a lowball offer from the Pats, got a slightly higher one from Denver, and left town in a blaze of crossing routes. Now, to anyone not named Wes Welker, this sounds an awful lot like Belichick knew he wasn't bringing Welker back and purposely set about making sure his teammates weren't going to miss him too much. Call it character assassination, call it shrewd psychology, whatever; this is the NFL, where 370 pound men regularly slam into each other with the force of a SmartCar getting inhaled by a Hummer's engine intake. "Not nice" doesn't entire into it.

Apologies and Mea Culpas

You don't do a mea culpa in the passive voice.

Timmeh! And the Lord of the Underworld

Sometimes the jokes write themselves:

"You hear the Patriots signed Tim Tebow?"
"I thought they needed a running back."
"They just signed one."

Your Handy-Dandy Guide To the Conspiracy Theories Around the AFC Championship Game

There are certain signifiers that one is taking one’s sports fandom too seriously. These include (but are not limited to): 

• Naming your firstborn child “Mister Met"
• Getting a New Orleans Pelicans prototype logo tattooed onto your junk, and then insisting on showing it off to coworkers
• Reciting the words to “Fly, Eagles, Fly” at the drop of a hat whilst stone cold sober
• Being able to recite the entire roster of the 2011-2012 Charlotte Bobcats

And last but not least, deciding that any time your team loses, it’s because of a conspiracy.