Sportsthodoxy Guide to Ray Lewis and the Chelyabinsk Meteor

They're more similar than you thought

Chelyabinsk Meteor	Ray Lewis
Act of God	Pawn of God. Really.
flattens the countryside	flattens quarterbacks
explosion audible for miles	self-aggrandizement audible for miles
caught on dozens of cameras	no witnesses
blows up	blows up defensive schemes
breaks apart in the lower atmosphere	falls apart when asked to cover tight ends
sets off car alarms in Chelyabinsk	sets off police scanners in Miami
cracks during descent	exposes crack in postgame

Important Things We Learned During The Super Bowl

1. Deer antler extract's main benefit is causing the guys on the other team to drop the ball.
2. The best plays that were called were the ones that planned on the other guys missing tackles. The last time I saw that many flubbed attempts to wrap something up, it was on the set of a mummy-themed porn flick.
3. If your play-calling is questionable, you don't deserve to get penalties called.
4. The 49ers definitely needed to pull Colin Kaepernick and replace him with Alex Smith. Except when Kaepernick was en fuego, a time that oddly enough coincided with the 49ers' brain trust abandoning their love of "running Frank Gore up the middle to set up 2nd and 9".
5. When my wife, the brilliant and talented and not-at-all-interested-in-football Melinda Thielbar, watches a play and says "That's holding, right?", it's probably holding.
6. The lights went off in the Mercedes Benz Superdome (and boy howdy, is that ever weird to type) because of an "external power surge". Which only makes sense, as the stadium does not have either a small nuclear power plant or a chained Pikachu in the basement to provide for its electrical needs.
7. Pass interference is no longer a thing. 
8. Steve Tasker and Solomon Wilcots cannot do math. To be fair, they should not be asked to do improvisational math on live television. Even if it is just subtraction.
9. Not sure whose idea it was to have someone under 60 do the halftime show, but as concepts go, it might be a keeper.
10. The momentum shifted in the 49ers' favor when the power went out. And thus, with the momentum swinging their way, they took the field after the partial blackout and gave away the ball on downs.
11. The refs may want their face time when the cameras are on them before the game (I'm talking to you, Crew Chief Boger), but none of them want to be the ones making a call when it's a big moment. 
12. According to the booth crew, it's a good thing they stop enforcing the rules toward the end of the game. Because inconsistency in enforcement just adds to the excitement
13. For the record, the Puppy Bowl had power thoughout the whole game.
14. At any given moment, the number of Harbaughs freaking out was = 1. This may be a new mathematical constant.
15. The appropriate response to a blackout at the Super Bowl is to make a Bane joke. The second appropriate response is to realize that Ray Lewis actually is Bane.

Super Bowl Prop Bets, Sportsthodoxy Edition

Every Super Bowl has a Vegas line. It also has innumerable side bets available, ranging from "who scores first" to "which team's cheerleaders have the first wardrobe malfunction" to "how many souls will wither and die during an uninspiring halftime show". With that in mind, here's your Sportsthodoxy Guide to some of the more intriguing prop bets you'll see leading into Sunday.


5:4 - Ray Lewis will mention God in post-game interviews if the Ravens win
20:1 - Ray Lewis will mention God in post-game interviews if the Ravens lose
60:1 - Ray Lewis will stalk and mount Bambi on the sidelines of the game, rubbing the deer's antlers all over his face while shouting about how the Devil made quadrupeds
5:2 - Ray Lewis's helmet knocked off, revealing stubby antlers beneath
5:1 - There will be multiple shots of Alex Smith looking pensive and holding a clipboard on the sideline
4:1 - Someone will mention how Colin Kaepernick has only 10 starts as a QB
12:1 - Joe Flacco will actually prove he is an "elite QB"
8:1 - Someone will mock Joe Flacco with an "elite QB" reference after a bad pass
20:1 - Ed Reed lands a shot on a 49ers wideout that temporarily turns the poor guy into Enos from The Dukes of Hazzard
2:1 - There will be a lengthy discussion of how that's just good hard-nosed football after he does
7:1 - Kaepernick slides cleats-up into Ed Reed
6:5 - If Kaepernick slides cleats-up into Reed, Reed kills him right then and there
8:1 - Someone will realize Ray Rice is short
10:1 - There will be a shot of someone's wife or girlfriend looking horrified on the sideline after Ray Lewis takes the guy's head off, possibly with a hacksaw
9:1 - This play will be called "good, hard-nosed football"
5:1 - Someone will do a lengthy comparison-contrast of the brothers Harbaugh, not realizing we've already done one
3:1 - 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh will have a sideline meltdown because of a bad call
5:1 - Ravens coach John Harbaugh will make fun of his kid brother for doing so.
7:1 - 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh will yell at Ravens coach John Harbaugh that he's not being fair
9:1 - Ravens coach John Harbaugh will give 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh an atomic wedgie
11:1 - 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh will yell for his mom cause his big brother's being mean to him again
6:5 - Randy Moss will get alligator arms on a pass over the middle
10:1 - People will suddenly remember that Randy Moss is playing in this Super Bowl
3:1 - Someone at ESPN will start talking about how Tim Tebow would be a great fit with one of these teams.
20.5 - the over-under on "number of lingering shots of Jack Harbaugh"
1:3 - the person who knows least about football at your Super Bowl party wins your family-room betting pool

Your Handy-Dandy Guide To the Conspiracy Theories Around the AFC Championship Game

There are certain signifiers that one is taking one’s sports fandom too seriously. These include (but are not limited to): 

• Naming your firstborn child “Mister Met"
• Getting a New Orleans Pelicans prototype logo tattooed onto your junk, and then insisting on showing it off to coworkers
• Reciting the words to “Fly, Eagles, Fly” at the drop of a hat whilst stone cold sober
• Being able to recite the entire roster of the 2011-2012 Charlotte Bobcats

And last but not least, deciding that any time your team loses, it’s because of a conspiracy.