Friday, February 01, 2013

Super Bowl Prop Bets, Sportsthodoxy Edition

Every Super Bowl has a Vegas line. It also has innumerable side bets available, ranging from "who scores first" to "which team's cheerleaders have the first wardrobe malfunction" to "how many souls will wither and die during an uninspiring halftime show". With that in mind, here's your Sportsthodoxy Guide to some of the more intriguing prop bets you'll see leading into Sunday.

5:4 - Ray Lewis will mention God in post-game interviews if the Ravens win
20:1 - Ray Lewis will mention God in post-game interviews if the Ravens lose
60:1 - Ray Lewis will stalk and mount Bambi on the sidelines of the game, rubbing the deer's antlers all over his face while shouting about how the Devil made quadrupeds
5:2 - Ray Lewis's helmet knocked off, revealing stubby antlers beneath
5:1 - There will be multiple shots of Alex Smith looking pensive and holding a clipboard on the sideline
4:1 - Someone will mention how Colin Kaepernick has only 10 starts as a QB
12:1 - Joe Flacco will actually prove he is an "elite QB"
8:1 - Someone will mock Joe Flacco with an "elite QB" reference after a bad pass
20:1 - Ed Reed lands a shot on a 49ers wideout that temporarily turns the poor guy into Enos from The Dukes of Hazzard
2:1 - There will be a lengthy discussion of how that's just good hard-nosed football after he does
7:1 - Kaepernick slides cleats-up into Ed Reed
6:5 - If Kaepernick slides cleats-up into Reed, Reed kills him right then and there
8:1 - Someone will realize Ray Rice is short
10:1 - There will be a shot of someone's wife or girlfriend looking horrified on the sideline after Ray Lewis takes the guy's head off, possibly with a hacksaw
9:1 - This play will be called "good, hard-nosed football"
5:1 - Someone will do a lengthy comparison-contrast of the brothers Harbaugh, not realizing we've already done one
3:1 - 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh will have a sideline meltdown because of a bad call
5:1 - Ravens coach John Harbaugh will make fun of his kid brother for doing so.
7:1 - 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh will yell at Ravens coach John Harbaugh that he's not being fair
9:1 - Ravens coach John Harbaugh will give 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh an atomic wedgie
11:1 - 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh will yell for his mom cause his big brother's being mean to him again
6:5 - Randy Moss will get alligator arms on a pass over the middle
10:1 - People will suddenly remember that Randy Moss is playing in this Super Bowl
3:1 - Someone at ESPN will start talking about how Tim Tebow would be a great fit with one of these teams.
20.5 - the over-under on "number of lingering shots of Jack Harbaugh"
1:3 - the person who knows least about football at your Super Bowl party wins your family-room betting pool

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