On Tomlin-Bradshaw

There are few things dumber in sports right now than the Terry Bradshaw-Mike Tomlin "feud". If you've been living under a rock, or simply paying more attention to your relatives than to sports fluff, it's very simple. Bradshaw opened his yap and declared that he didn't think Tomlin was a good coach. Tomlin, whose record is something like 100-67, fired some shade back. And everyone went a-flutter.

Why NFL Ratings Are Down

I've got the secret. Are you ready for it?

It's not weird start times of games from London. It's not Colin Kaepernick, no matter what your cranky uncle might say. It's not any of the million and one convoluted reasons people are coming up with to avoid the simple truth.

Beckham/Norman, With No Armchair Psychoanalysis

Here is what we know:

Giants receiver Odell Beckham Jr., after mixing it up with Panthers cornerback Josh Norman all day, took a running start at him and planted his helmet squarely on Norman's earhole.
This is not allowed.

113 stadiums and counting (aka Ga Tech's football team once beat Cumberland 222-0)

Do I love football more than my family?  Maybe.  Probably.  I don't know.  Well, really I do know but I am (kind of) afraid to admit it!  Good thing my mom is not rich otherwise I would have to worry about her writing me out of her will...

109 stadiums & counting (aka, 3 games in 3 days across 3 states, part 1)

For those following along at home, I am on a mission to see all 129 FBS stadiums - eventually this will be all current stadiums, by the by, but for now I am satisfied to say I have seen 111 of them play at home, plus some stadiums only used for bowl games & other special match-ups, like the Red River Rivalry (including all the NFL stadiums along the way, b/c every NFL team has a college team nearby, so you can see both in the same weekend).

Who Let The Dogs Out?

The Pittsburgh Steelers have signed convicted animal abuser Michael Vick to a one year contract as backup to Ben Roethlisberger. There are a wide variety of reactions to this from "OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO GO ROOT FOR THE PATRIOTS NOW!" to "Whatever" to "Who?" to "Where are we going and what's with this handbasket?"

Johnny On The Spot

And now we know why Cleveland stuck with the flailing Brian Hoyer for so long, even when it was obvious he'd lost his early season mojo: He gave the team a better chance to win. This is not a banner wave for Hoyer, who appears to have topped out in lesser-Detmer-brother territory. His confidence is shot, his accuracy isn't there, and he can't buy time in the pocket. And he still gives Cleveland a better chance to win than Johnny Football.

Match the Headline

And now for something a little different: see if you can match the content with the hysterical headline that got put over it. Answers are below:

Thoughts On The Greatest Preseason Game Ever

RGIII VERSUS JOHNNY FOOTBALL WHO IS IN A LIFE OR DEATH STRUGGLE WITH BRIAN HOYER! PRESEASON FOOTBALL AT ITS FINEST! YOU MAY BE FORCED TO BUY YOUR WHOLE SEAT AS PART OF YOUR SEASON TICKET PACKAGE BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!

Now that we've got that out of the way, some thoughts:

11 Things We Learned From The NFL Draft

We won't know who "won" or "lost" the NFL draft for years. It kind of takes that long for players to develop, or not. We can, however, take certain things away that are strictly a result of the data provided by the draft, and that on-field production (or the eventual lack thereof) will have nothing to do with. 

To wit:

At Least They Didn't Fake Aubrey Huff's Thong

"And this is the helmet I wore in Super Bowl 3"

Finally, something worth talking about at Super Bowl week.

No, not Peyton Manning's "ducks." Everyone who watches football knows that Peyton Manning throws flutter balls. They are incredibly accurate, high velocity flutter balls, but they are flutter balls, and no amount of chest-beating and "ZOMG DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID ABOUT SAINT PEYTON" po-faced disingenuousness is going to change that. It's a non-issue, and thus, a non-starter.

UnBradyed

The Broncos' deconstruction of the Patriots yesterday hinged on precisely two factors. One was the complete inability of the Patriots pass rush to even ruffle Peyton Manning's thinning hair. (Seriously. Paint the guy green and he's the spitting image of The Leader from the old Hulk comics.) The other was Tom Brady.

Ten Things We're Pretty Sure We Think We Think About This Weekend's Football Games

Starting with number 1. Because that's where you start.

1. At no point will Peyton Manning and Tom Brady be on the field of play at the same time. They do not face each other. They face each others' defenses. Unless the NFL's new overtime rules include either an arm wrestling competition between quarterbacks after a quarter of OT or putting both offenses on the field at the same time, they will never play directly against one another. 

These Things I Tell You Are True

Look, Cowboys fans, this isn't going to be easy to accept, but you're going to have to try:

It's not Tony Romo's fault you have a terrible defense. 

Things In Sports I Am Thankful For, Part A Gazillion

In no particular order, I am thankful that:

Steve Logan, former East Carolina football coach, has a radio show. Imagine, if you will, a devoted blues fan and wine expert who talks like an extra from Walking Tall while expertly dissecting the previous week's football coaching blunders. It's a gift, I tell you. A gift.

Jose Oquendo is still coaching third base for the Cardinals. I mean, I'd rather he were managing (which is another way of saying Dr. Mrs. The Sportsthodoxy has boycotted Cardinals fandom until they make him manager) but hey, he's still on the field and wearing a Cards uniform, so that's something right with the universe.

The Week of 5 (Or 7) QBs

In recent days, a big deal was made out of the fact that there were going to be 5 ACC-pedigree quarterbacks starting games for NFL teams this weekend. (Note that the 5 includes Russell Wilson, who finished his college career at Wisconsin, but let it pass, let it pass.) This was taken by ACC partisans as evidence that the league is indeed a rising football power, as that's a lot of quarterbacks to be starting games. By comparison, the Big 10-ish had 5 (Henne, Brady, Foles, Pryor and Brees), the Big East/AAC had none, and whatever conference Delaware is in had 1. (So did the Ivy League, but don't tell anyone, 'cause they'll freak.)

Let's All Jump On Donovan

A McNabb Career Highlight

Even the sports world has socially awkward nerds. Case in point: Donovan McNabb, who is about as comfortable speaking with other human beings as Jeffty Loria is with a forensic accountant. For all that his career ended with a thud, McNabb really was one of the best quarterbacks of his era, a guy who consistently led undergunned Eagles teams to the playoffs (even if once he got there, he played like someone was holding his family at gunpoint in a South Philly basement). He played hard, he played hurt, and he played well, and yet the only time anyone ever warmed to him was when he was doing Chunky Soup commercials. The rest of the time, he went total McFly every time a microphone got shoved in his face, to the point where he lost sympathy and credibility at an unseemly pace. It didn't matter if he was reciting the lyrics to "Happy Birthday", he would say it in a way that was so flat, unappealing, entitled, and awkward that  you got mad just listening to it. He could have revealed the Grand Unified Theory in a postgame presser and people would have called bullshit reflexively, because he just has that kind of public voice.

Fantasy; Sports

With the recent revelation that all-universe Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o's dead Internet/Californian girlfriend never actually existed, we thought we'd take a minute to unveil five other sports figures who are in fact imaginary.

#1 Bill Belichick's fashion consultant. Enough said.

#2 Jon Heyman's fact checker.  Jon Heyman's story pushing Jack Morris for the Hall of Fame had some factual discrepancies.  To say the least.  A non-imaginary fact-checker wouldn't have let this stuff get past him.

#3 Brock Osweiler.  This phantom is listed on the Denver Broncos' roster as the backup to quarterback Peyton Manning. I see no reason to believe that he exists. They could have photoshopped an image together of him for the media guide. He has essentially no stats: 2-4 for 12 yards in a Week 4 blowout against Oakland? Did that game even actually happen?  Of course, that's three years of productivity for Tim Tebow, who is decidedly, disappointingly non-imaginary.

#4 The research and, y'know, REPORTING departments of NBC, ESPN, CBS, SI, and Fox Sports, all of whom let a freakin' Nick Denton website do the actual research that led to the revelation that Te'o's imaginary dead girlfriend had never existed.  Come on, guys.  I realize that you have very little incentive to discover actual facts, but please, do better.

#5 Gisele Bundchen.  You have to admit she's a fantasy of some kind.

Honorable mention: The one imaginary person who was surprised by the revelation that Lance Armstrong had doped; the person in charge of good taste at the NRA; the person willing to say 'no' to George Lucas.

Two Conference Championship Storylines You're Tired Of Already

...and it's only Tuesday. This was going to be "Four Conference Championship Storylines You're Tired Of Already" but I just couldn't bear to watch any more SportsCenter.

Ray Lewis vs. Tom Brady: Could be worse. Could be Brady vs. Manning XIV.  That would be a sports-yak bloviation sludge tsunami that we would have to endure by clinging to a palm tree of NPR and classic-rock stations through all of drive time.  (And then hoist ourselves up onto the rescue helicopter of Big Bang Theory reruns and Cougar Town in place of SportsCenter.)
And at least this matchup, unlike quarterback vs. quarterback "matchups," includes players who might brush into one another on the playing field.
With all of that out of the way, do we need to hear again how Lewis "respects" Brady as a player and Brady "dreads" Lewis's dangerous sack-tasticity?  Ray Lewis wants to crush Tom Brady into paste on third-and-seven (and then ostentatiously pray about it). Brady wants to take advantage of Lewis's inability to cover a running back in the flat (and get back home to his supermodel wife). They both want to get to the Super Bowl and get another few million in endorsements. The game isn't about Tom vs. Ray.

Is Colin Kaepernick Football Jesus With A Chin-Beard Or What:  Judging by the outpouring of praise, we must assume that Kaepernick was the top quarterback of the weekend. Right?
Not according to Football Outsiders; according to their advanced statistics, Kaepernick was fourth, behind a different rookie -- who didn't even win his game!, an already-overexposed guy with a hot wife, and a QB whose unibrow appears in the Ravens Media Guide with the caption "really average, but we still like him."
Look, Kaepernick has great potential.  Really scary potential.  But let's not crown him Football Messiah until he's played a full season.

And now, back into the talk-radio mines. Send jerky.

The sports commentariat

I heard guys this morning on sports talk radio evincing surprise! and shock! that Andy Reid would be coaching tonight.

My question is: are these guys just stupid?

But I guess that's my question every time I turn on sports talk radio.