Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The Sounds of Deflategate's Aftermath

The following are the sounds of the Tom Brady suspension:

(Brady, for those of you living on Mars, has been suspended for four games next season for his role in "Deflategate". In addition, the New England Patriots have been fined a million dollars and stripped of two draft picks, a #1 in 2016 and a #4 in 2017. And the two Patriots employees who carried out the nefarious plan have been suspended indefinitely without pay, but they don't actually play football so nobody appears to care about them. But I digress.)

"IT'S NOT FAIR THE LEAGUE HAS IT OUT FOR US BECAUSE WE'RE SO AWESOME" - The sound of the New England Patriots fan, who is constitutionally incapable of admitting that Tom Terrific or indeed any of his heroes could ever possibly conceive of ever possibly doing any possible thing ever wrong - unlike those mooks who play for the Jets, who are just the scum of the Earth. Until they come play for the Patriots, at which point they're awesome. Until they leave to go back to play for the Jets again.

"BWAHAHHAHAAHAHAAH" - The sound of the inveterate Patriots hater, reveling in the absurdly defined punishments that will keep Tom Brady out of the first four games next year. Never mind that this penalty does nothing to negate the Pats' win in the game where the actual deflating took place, nor does it force them to vacate their Super Bowl win. It does take away $1M dollars in fines, which is what they're going to realize from fifteen minutes of WEEI listeners buying extra Brady jerseys to show their support for the embattled QB. It also takes away a couple of draft picks but, this being Bill Belichick's team, he'll just use a 7th round pick to scoop up a future Hall of Famer from McNeese State and roll on without skipping a beat. And of course Brady misses four games, but in a division where your competition is Rex Ryan II: The Heretic, Rex Ryan's Leftovers, and the Dolphins, 12 games of Brady will still be plenty. Also, the suspension lets Belichick try out his backup QBs, who he can then turn around and trade to Cleveland for all those missing draft picks and more.

"RARR RARR RARR RARR RARR RARR RARR" - The sound of Tom Brady's agent, trying desperately to spin things so his client doesn't look like a tone-deaf cheatery jerk face. Also the sound of Tom Brady's agent failing at his desperate attempt to spin things so that his client doesn't look like a tone-deaf cheatery jerk face.

"I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS ALIENS, BUT IT WAS ALIENS" - The sound of Pro Football Talk's Mike Florio, whose Fox Mulder-esque intensity in trying to pry apart the tiniest details in the Wells Report. Seriously, the guys who think that Jade Helm 15 is an excuse for the government to dig tunnels for Chinese soldiers to move through so they can take over all of Texas' abandoned Wal-Marts are taking notes on his techniques.

"YOU THINK WE CAN WORK TEBOW INTO THIS SOMEHOW?" - The sound of the talking heads at ESPN trying to find a way to spin this. Once they realize Tebow's under contract with the Eagles, odds are they'll start speculating on Brett Favre. Or possibly A-Rod.

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