As kickoff for the first full slate of games approaches, we must ask ourselves:
1-What will Bill Belichick have to do on the field to get Patriots fans to admit he doesn't always play entirely by the rules:
A) Shoot someone
B) Flood opposing coaching staff's radio headsets with an endless loop of the Del Fuegos' seminal album, "Boston, Mass"
C) Hire Whitey Bulger as an on-field assistant
D) Trick question. He could sacrifice goats and small children on the field and WEEI would claim it was just good gamesmanship.
2-The number of games it will take for ESPN analysts to conclusively declare who is better: Marcus Mariotta or Jameis Winston:
C) Half the season
D) Three minutes into the first quarter of the first game or until one of them throws a pick, whichever happens sooner
3-The off-season drama over whether the Rams, Raiders or Chargers are moving to Los Angeles will be resolved by:
A) Rams owner Stan Kroenke buying off the other two owners.
B) The Rams moving to LA, the Raiders moving to San Diego, and the Chargers moving to St. Louis, where they will change their name to "The Poor Negotiators"
C) Pistols at dawn
4-The Carolina Panthers' best wide receiver this year will be:
A) That guy
B) That other guy
C) That new guy. You know, the tall one.
D) Muhsin Muhammad
5-The Washington football franchise will end the year with the following starting quarterback:
A) Robert Griffin III, after all other roster options are exhausted
B) Kirk Cousins
C) Kirk Cameron
D) Colt McCoy
E) Kid Colt
F) Jonah Hex
H) Jonathan Papelbon
6-The most important question surrounding the Baltimore Ravens this season will be:
A) Is Joe Flacco an elite quarterback?
B) Can anyone identify any other Ravens players by name?
C) Seriously. Any of them.
D) No, Ray Lewis is retired and doesn't count.
7-The injury to star wideout Jordy Nelson will have the following effect on Green Bay's title hopes:
A) Aaron Rodgers will do even more terrible insurance commercials.
B) We may finally learn the name of somebody in Green Bay who plays defense.
8-By the end of the season, Seattle QB Russell Wilson will claim:
A) Touching his perfectly formed butt heals concussions
B) He is actually an immortal and cannot wait to fight Connor McLeod for The Prize
C) He can deflate footballs with the power of his mind
D) Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback
9-This year, the Buffalo Bills will surprise everyone by:
A) Making the playoffs
B) Finding a starting quarterback people outside the greater Lackawanna area have heard of
C) Not firing Rex Ryan
D) Not jumping to the CFL and losing the Grey Cup to the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.
10-Jay Cutler will irritate sportswriters this season by:
A) Playing well
B) Refusing to re-enter a game after having his spleen forcibly removed from his body
C) Saying mean things about Chicago hot dogs
D) Interfering with a foul ball at a Cubs game, costing them the World Series