Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Things We Have Learned From NatsThroatGrabGate

Because these days, everything in DC has to be a "gate".

  1. Contrary to what many people in Philadelphia believe, Jonathan Papelbon is not a Dark Jedi. If he were, he could have just Force-choked Bryce Harper instead.
  2. The only thing worse than being sent home by the Nationals these days is being forced to stay with the Nationals.
  3. In the list of baseball sins committed by the Nationals this year, "maybe not running out a pop-up in a meaningless game" is far less worrisome than "throwing away an entire season", "messing with the head of your perfectly cromulent closer and turning him into a walking gas can" and "being Jonathan Papelbon".
  4. Matt Williams clearly modeled his dugout leadership style on the late Lt. Col. Henry Blake of the 4077th MASH unit. If you can't notice someone strangling your best player, maybe you shouldn't be in charge of managing that player.
  5. I'm sure Freud would have had a lot to say about Papelbon's propensity for grabbing bits of anatomy on the field. A lot to say.
  6. With this maneuver, Paps has moved past hot-headed troll doll Billy Wagner on the list of all-time former Phillies closer jerkfaces. Still last on the list? Doug Jones.
  7. What are the odds Paps and Harper end up reprising this on Wrestlemania before next season starts? Pretty good, I think.
  8. That being said, I think in a fair fight, Harper turns Papelbon into a pretzel. Without mustard, of course. Cause only hot dogs like Harper get mustard.

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