Proposed New Olympic Events

Because what Sochi really needs is more unsolicited advice...

• Paintball Biathalon - Why have them shoot at targets when they could be shooting at each other?
• Paraluging - A new combination event just invented by the marketing department at ESPN, this one has racers plunging downhill at high speed while strapped to a giant sail.
• North Carolina Winter Storm Auto Racing - see competitors reach thrilling speeds of up to 15 MPH while dodging fellow drivers who have not yet figured out that cutting your wheels and gunning it simultaneously is not the way to go anywhere but sideways.
• Hanson Brothers Rules Hockey - Self-explanatory, really.
• Ice Roller Derby - Because what the Olympics really needs is competitors rocking stage names like "Betty Rage. Might have to be broadcast on cable.
• Cardiovascular System - Like the skeleton, but squishier.
• Uphill Slalom - Times may be a bit longer than in the downhill.
• Skeeball Ski Jump - Competitors earn points for landing in designated target zones. They also get tickets that can be redeemed for valuable prizes from the local Chuck E. Cheese.
• Ice Slam Dancing - Four teams. One rink. Whoever walks off, advances.
• Shaun White Does Whatever The Heck He Wants - And gets a gold medal for it.