Here's Some Heresy For You

As long as Alex Rodriguez has been in New York, he's been a mess. He's been awkward with the media, he's been an occasional jerkface, he's had issues in the clubhouse, and he's been about as media-savvy as a sasquatch confronted with a smartphone. Never has a Yankee been so widely hated, even when he was producing well; once the production dried up and the allegations started, the NewYork papers piled on him like he was one of David Dinkins' last remaining political appointees.

On Pre-All Star Game Coverage

Dear People Who Are Being Paid To Write About The MLB All-Star Game Roster Selections:

Should A-Rod be an All Star?

The guy you love to hate is back...and this time with legacy on his mind.

Alex Rodriguez served his time for his PED usage...again, but has turned out to be a very pleasant surprise for the Yankees this season. Does that make him an All Star?

Top 10 Least Likely A-Rod Related Headlines This Spring Training

10-A-Rod Admits He Actually Is A Centaur
9-Yankees Exec Admits To Not Really Caring What A-Rod Is Doing Every Minute Of Every Day
8-NY Post Writer Joel Sherman Hospitalized With A-Rod Related Dementia
7-Lupica: "We Should All Just Forgive And Forget A-Rod's Actually Minor Transgressions"
6-Trump: "I Have Absolutely No Opinion On A-Rod"
5-Rodriguez goes 0-3 in Spring Training Game; World Fails To End
4-A-Rod Responds To Critics With "Well, How Many of YOU Have Dated Cameron Diaz?"
3-Jeter Says Nice Thing About Rodriguez
2-Yankees Official Agrees to Attach Name To "Anonymous" Report of Management Displeasure With Rodriguez' Showing Up Early And Working Hard
1-New York Media Collectively Admits Rodriguez Coverage Is Overblown; Decides to Hound Chase Headley Instead

Riddle Me This, Batman

Alex Rodriguez with his PED of choice

GIVEN THAT:

We know that steroids are supposed to enhance performance by increasing muscle growth

AND

We know pretty well how long it takes muscle tissue to grow

AND THAT

Noted upright fellow Anthony Bosch is claiming that he gave Alex Rodriguez "gummy" steroids before a game that helped him play better

AND THAT

Bosch also claimed that his steroids were undetectable and would be flushed out of ARod's system after the game

WE MUST CONCLUDE THAT

The steroids Bosch gave Rodriguez  grew him bigger muscles during the game that then shrank back to pre-game levels by the time of the locker room interviews. Alternately, we can go back over game footage and watch ARod's biceps inflate and deflate like Popeye eating spinach puff hors d'oeuvres. 

Alternately, we can assume that Anthony Bosch is full of crap, Alex Rodriguez is a grade-A sucker, and the WADA types collapsing onto their fainting couches about the supposed sophistication of Bosch's regimen are in fact publicity hounds taking advantage of the news cycle to gain some visibility to drum up business.

None of this absolves Rodriguez if he did or thought he was taking PEDs. However, it does mean that you can pretty much take the 60 Minutes interview in its credulous, lazy, agenda-driven entirety and flush it. 

Our Last Post On Alex Rodriguez Until The Next Post On Alex Rodriguez

Bud Selig, Working His Way Through College

Perhaps the most important thing about the ongoing Alex Rodriguez saga is this: nobody is going to change their mind. If you think Rodriguez is the lyingest, cheating-est dirtbag that ever bagged dirt and he shoulda been fed to rabid weasels, then you're going to think that no matter what happens from here on in. If you're a tinfoil ballcap type who thinks that the whole thing was trumped up to give the Yankees payroll relief (so they could free up money for Tanaka, who would then be on the stage in the US's biggest media market - see? It plays!) you will always think that the whole thing was a setup and that this was done for the Steinbrennerbros' benefit. And if you believe that the entire hootenanny was Bud Selig's witch hunt against a player who made him look bad - imagine Bud as Thunderbolt Ross and Rodriguez as the Hulk and you're getting there - then you are never going to change your mind. Further debate at this point is a waste of perfectly good hot air that could be better spent debating if the Yankees are really chasing Logan Forsythe for a third base platoon, or if they're just drunk.

The Official Sportsthodoxy Position On the Alex Rodriguez Arbitration Hearing

Be it resolved that we at Sportsthodoxy feel that:

Alex Rodriguez storming out of his arbitration hearing may have been a product of genuine anger upon hearing that Commissioner Selig would not be compelled to testify, but his filmed radio appearance with Mike Francesca was bad amateur theater of the sort that would get laughed out of most 3-day LARPs;

What Can Michael Jordan's Retirement Teach Us About A-Rod?

So here's the difference between baseball and basketball.

If you believe the investigative journalists, when basketball's most transcendent talent got caught dead to rights doing something he ought not to have, he "retired". In response, the NBA dropped its investigation into Michael Jordan's gambling, one that it hardly trumpeted prior to Jordan's "retirement". There were no talks of a bargain, no targeted leaks of evidence, no long and drawn out public cha-cha with the evidence. Today, barely anyone remembers that there had been an investigation into Jordan's gambling, or that Jordan had written a massive check to a convicted drug dealer to cover gambling debts, or, well, you get the idea.

Your Handy-Dandy Guide To What People Are Saying About Ryan Braun

• "Ryan Braun owes the fans an apology" = "Ryan Braun owes me an apology"
• "Ryan Braun owes the kids an apology" = "Ryan Braun owes ME an apology"
• "We should remove the statistics of players caught using PEDs from the record books" = "I am angry and don't understand interconnected systems. What do you mean there were pitchers involved in all those home runs?"
• "Ryan Braun gets the worst of this because he will always be known as a cheater" = "I don't understand that for $100M, you can buy a big fat jug of Don't Give A Crap"
• "Ryan Braun is the Lance Armstrong of baseball" = "I just skimmed the whole Lance Armstrong thing because, you know, cycling, so I have no idea what Lance Armstrong actually did."
• "The Brewers are better off without Braun this season" = "I understand that the Brewers are in fact better off not paying another $3M and change to a guy who's going to be at 60% the rest of the way. Also, I believe they've manufactured a ton of Caleb Gindl jerseys"
• "I pay their salaries" = "I pay a tiny fraction of their salaries, and am attempting to use that fact to claim moral standing so I can rant" 
• "I'm as angry about this as anybody" = "My producer suggests it would be a really good idea if I were angry about this"
• "We should let team void the contracts of steroid users" = "I firmly believe players will lie and cheat to earn multi-million dollar contracts, but that owners - whose ranks include a war profiteer, guys with ties to Bernie Madoff, and Jeff Loria - would never lie or cheat or spike someone's Gatorade to keep from paying them. I also believe that Smurfs are real."
• "Alex Rodriguez is the Lance Armstrong of baseball" = "OK, the Ryan-Braun-is-Lance-Armstrong thing didn't work"
• "Alex Rodriguez is going to claim he's injured and can't play so he doesn't get suspended so the Yankees can have insurance cover his salary" = "I have never actually dealt with an insurance company"
• "I feel bad for all the clean players" = "I wrote a lot of stuff cheering on McGwire and Sosa in the 90s"
• "I look at Chris Davis and I know he has to be doing steroids" = "I have the mutant ability to detect steroid use with my eyes"
• "I see 300 pound linemen doing 4.9 40s and know they have to be doing steroids" = "I have the mutant ability to detect steroid use with my eyes"
• "We don't actually know what PEDs do to help baseball players" = "I have actually read the literature on the subject, and will now get hammered as a steroid apologist"
• "Players who shoot up make it unfair for the other guys" = "Except the guys on my favorite team, who should be getting tattooed with cortisone shots so they get back on the field as soon as possible"
• "First time steroid users should be banned for life" = "I have conveniently forgotten that I own three Andy Pettite jerseys"
• "What do you think this means for baseball?" = "Please tell me this will be bad for baseball"
• "Why don't people care about PEDs in football?" = "I am still dealing with having gotten picked last for kickball in elementary school, and have not yet come to grips with the fact that where the popular kids are concerned, nobody gives a crap if they break the rules."
• "This is proof baseball's drug testing program doesn't work" = "I don't understand that the drug program that catches people is working, and the drug program that doesn't catch people isn't"
• "Alex Rodriguez is the Whitey Bulger of baseball" = "I have no idea who Whitey Bulger actually is or what he did, but his name came up on my Twitter feed"

The Nerd at Third Base

We all knew Alex Rodriguez in high school.
Not the Alex Rodriguez, of course. Not the one who took Seattle by storm as a teenager and hammered baseballs like he was Neal Peart and they were crash cymbals. But we all knew someone - hell, maybe we were someone - like him.
And again, by "like him", I don't mean "a supremely gifted athlete". I mean someone who was socially awkward, desperate to fit in, and gifted with an uncanny instinct for saying the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time.