Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Your Handy-Dandy Guide To What People Are Saying About Ryan Braun

  • "Ryan Braun owes the fans an apology" = "Ryan Braun owes me an apology"
  • "Ryan Braun owes the kids an apology" = "Ryan Braun owes ME an apology"
  • "We should remove the statistics of players caught using PEDs from the record books" = "I am angry and don't understand interconnected systems. What do you mean there were pitchers involved in all those home runs?"
  • "Ryan Braun gets the worst of this because he will always be known as a cheater" = "I don't understand that for $100M, you can buy a big fat jug of Don't Give A Crap"
  • "Ryan Braun is the Lance Armstrong of baseball" = "I just skimmed the whole Lance Armstrong thing because, you know, cycling, so I have no idea what Lance Armstrong actually did."
  • "The Brewers are better off without Braun this season" = "I understand that the Brewers are in fact better off not paying another $3M and change to a guy who's going to be at 60% the rest of the way. Also, I believe they've manufactured a ton of Caleb Gindl jerseys"
  • "I pay their salaries" = "I pay a tiny fraction of their salaries, and am attempting to use that fact to claim moral standing so I can rant" 
  • "I'm as angry about this as anybody" = "My producer suggests it would be a really good idea if I were angry about this"
  • "We should let team void the contracts of steroid users" = "I firmly believe players will lie and cheat to earn multi-million dollar contracts, but that owners - whose ranks include a war profiteer, guys with ties to Bernie Madoff, and Jeff Loria - would never lie or cheat or spike someone's Gatorade to keep from paying them. I also believe that Smurfs are real."
  • "Alex Rodriguez is the Lance Armstrong of baseball" = "OK, the Ryan-Braun-is-Lance-Armstrong thing didn't work"
  • "Alex Rodriguez is going to claim he's injured and can't play so he doesn't get suspended so the Yankees can have insurance cover his salary" = "I have never actually dealt with an insurance company"
  • "I feel bad for all the clean players" = "I wrote a lot of stuff cheering on McGwire and Sosa in the 90s"
  • "I look at Chris Davis and I know he has to be doing steroids" = "I have the mutant ability to detect steroid use with my eyes"
  • "I see 300 pound linemen doing 4.9 40s and know they have to be doing steroids" = "I have the mutant ability to detect steroid use with my eyes"
  • "We don't actually know what PEDs do to help baseball players" = "I have actually read the literature on the subject, and will now get hammered as a steroid apologist"
  • "Players who shoot up make it unfair for the other guys" = "Except the guys on my favorite team, who should be getting tattooed with cortisone shots so they get back on the field as soon as possible"
  • "First time steroid users should be banned for life" = "I have conveniently forgotten that I own three Andy Pettite jerseys"
  • "What do you think this means for baseball?" = "Please tell me this will be bad for baseball"
  • "Why don't people care about PEDs in football?" = "I am still dealing with having gotten picked last for kickball in elementary school, and have not yet come to grips with the fact that where the popular kids are concerned, nobody gives a crap if they break the rules."
  • "This is proof baseball's drug testing program doesn't work" = "I don't understand that the drug program that catches people is working, and the drug program that doesn't catch people isn't"
  • "Alex Rodriguez is the Whitey Bulger of baseball" = "I have no idea who Whitey Bulger actually is or what he did, but his name came up on my Twitter feed"

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