I always liked the tag line of The Daily Show back when Craig Kilborn was hosting: "When news breaks, we fix it."
This morning I was reading the latest scoop on Aaron Hernandez from ESPN, and I noticed a few questionable turns of phrase.
Before I go there, though, I'd like to take a moment to rail at The Disney Family Of Networks or whatever the hell they're called. The websites for several TV networks under this umbrella default to autoplaying video with sound. This is never not annoying. I hope the global reach of the Sportsthodoxy brand* will persuade Disney executives to put a stop to this practice.
Anyway, the ESPN story opens with "The Bristol County House of Correction..." and I assume it's going to be an update from ESPN's fact-checking department but in fact it's a reference to the Brisco County Jr. jail. There is no evidence that The Worldwide Leader has a fact-checking department.
I guess Chief Wiggum was worried that all of A.H.'s tats meant he was in a gang, but the experts say no, he's just a civilian who's been taking over-the-counter treatments for a congenital ink deficiency.
"[Officer Fife] told The Boston Herald that Hernandez said he did not have any affiliations with gangs when he was questioned by investigators."
He had affiliations before and after he was questioned, but while he was in the hot box, no sir, no gangers to be seen anywhere.
"Hernandez is acclimating well to jail..."
What is he, a gardenia?
"He will continue not to have face-to-face contact with other inmates..."
And I will continue not to date Kate Upton.
"'He doesn't seem nervous, which is unusual for someone who's never been incarcerated before,' [Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane] told the newspaper."
Blah blah eighty thousand Jets fans argle-bargle** psychopath blah.
I know there's a rush on to get the scoop out fast, but when all you're doing is copying the actual news from the Boston Herald anyway, maybe you could ask an editor to take thirty seconds to look at the piece before clicking PUBLISH.
* We have at least two readers in Canada.
** (tm) Antonin Scalia