Friday, July 26, 2013

Things A-Rod Was Not Responsible For, No Matter What The NY Post Tells You

By  now, we have all learned the truth: Yankees third baseman is in fact history's greatest monster, and there is no bottom limit to his depravity. He has mouthed off on Twitter. He has failed to inform his bosses as to his whereabouts. He has failed to be Derek Jeter. And, if you believe the Bill Madden types of the world, he is morally equivalent to a crime boss who killed at least 19 people, subverted the FBI and spent decades on the lam. But as we wait for the pitchfork-wielding mob to storm his penthouse apartment and bestow upon him the end he so richly deserves, we should remind ourselves that there are still a few crimes that have been committed by others. For all of his black-hearted, relentless evil, A-Rod did not yet:

  • Vandalize the Lincoln Memorial
  • Get an OB-GYN to clear him to play baseball
  • Commission a painting of himself as Pikachu
  • Talk Disney into buying Times Square
  • Provide morning-after gift baskets for his sexual conquests
  • Get a third-year med school student to clear him to play baseball
  • Cause the managers to run out of pitchers at the 2002 All Star Game
  • Ride a fixed-gear bike through Brooklyn complaining about all the goddamn hipsters in their Mini Coopers
  • Deny that he's down with the Bronies
  • Have Cameron Diaz feed him anything Andrew Zimmern would eat while watching a game in a luxury box
  • Do a guest appearance on Hillbilly Handfishing
  • Write the ending to Mass Effect 3. He did, however, refuse to play a FemShep because Jason Giambi made fun of him.
  • Do a guest appearance on Storage Wars: NY, where he attempted to buy a locker with some cute adirondack chairs but ultimately got outbid by a hairy guy named "Vito" from Staten Island
  • Hook up with an attractive woman from the stands to "play doctor" and then have her clear him to play baseball
  • Help overthrow the rightfully elected government of the Comoros with an army of 16 geriatric mercenaries (which, to be fair, does sound like the Yankees' roster at this point)
  • Steal a box of Thin Mints out of Ichiro's locker and claim it was totally Travis Hafner who did it
  • Much of anything this year

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