Thursday, July 04, 2013

A Dozen Burning Sports Questions, Answered

A-Rod vs. Brian Cashman - actual footage
Sports talk radio is mainly in the business of chewing cud, which is to say taking simple stories and gnawing on them endlessly until they're bland, mushy, and possibly in the digestive tract of a cow. With that in mind, here's Sportsthodoxy's official take on some of the most contentious issues out there - and by "contentious", we mean "taking up the most on-air segments right now"

Q: Should Dodgers rookie outfielder Yasiel Puig be an NL All-Star, despite only having a month in the major leagues?
A: Yes. Because the all-star rosters are slightly larger than my graduating class from high school so he won't be bumping anyone "worthy", and since All-Star games are designed to pique fan interest, it makes sense to put the most interesting guy in baseball in there. Also: Roger Pavlik, All-Star.

Q: Is former Butler coach Brad Stevens going to succeed as the coach of the Boston Celtics?
A: Possibly, now that they've traded away all the guys older than he is. Bear this in mind: His contract is for 6 years and $22M. Kyle Korver just signed for 4 years and $24M. And Stevens doesn't count against the salary cap.

Q: Are they really trying to make the Aaron Hernandez story about Tim Tebow?
A: At least in part. Because making it about the late Odin Lloyd would get fewer clicks.

Q: Is this the year the Pittsburgh Pirates finally end their 20+ season streak of losing records, or is this just another tease leading to a giant collapse?
A: They won't collapse this year because it's the Pirates. Plural. The last few years it's been Pirate, as in Andrew McCutcheon, and the rest of the team just sort of tagging along for the ride.

Q: What's going on with the war of words between A-Rod and Brian Cashman?
A: What war of words? I've had longer twitter arguments over the trailer for Pacific Rim. Which, incidentally, is going to be spectacular because it has IDRIS ELBA SHOUTING.

Q: Is this the year an English tennis player finally wins Wimbledon?
A: Wait. It's Wimbledon?

Q: Where is Dwight Howard going to sign to play basketball next year?
A: Wherever they're going to pay him the most money that won't require a sign-and-trade in the Western Conference. Because the Lakers aren't dumb, and neither is Howard.

Q: Is it a big deal that Jay-Z is now a sports agent?
A: Yes. Because he's he's a lot cooler than the Scott Borases of the world, and thus much more attractive to be in business with for many athletes. Also, he's going to be very good at it. We at Sportsthodoxy look forward to the Robinson Cano Contract Negotiations (feat. Young Jeezy and Common).

Q: Is it a big deal that Yankees attendance is down?
A: They're running a lineup featuring Lyle Overbay, Jayson Nix, Eduardo Nunez and Brandon Boesch out there on a regular basis. Would you pay Yankee ticket prices to see that? The real miracle is that they haven't declined further.

Q: Should the Washington Redskins change their franchise name?
A: Yes. Because if your team name would get you punched if you called somebody by it in a bar, it needs to go. Nobody ever got a well-deserved pool cue upside the head for being called a "Viking". (Speaking of which: Idris Elba played the Viking god Heimdall in Thor. AND THERE WAS A LOT OF SHOUTING. WHICH WAS AWESOME.)

Q: Is it a big deal that San Jose is suing baseball over relocating the A's?
A: No, though it may finally force Bud Selig to have his "A's relocation committee", which has been in operation since the Pleistocene without doing anything, finally call a meeting. Which will then get cancelled because of the BART strike.

Q: Is Orioles slugger Chris Davis on steroids?
A: I have no idea. but apparently everyone on the internet can tell just by looking at him. Which means, I guess, that there was no point in asking the question in the first place.

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