Effing Double Effing Secret Effing Probation

Proving once more that there's no idea too stupid for an academic to consider, SI.com alerts us to the think tank over at Boston University, who are planning to crack down on -- wait for it -- profanity at BU hockey games. Having drawn complaints about the quality of discourse emanating from the typical Algonquin Round Table member who dons the Terrier red-and-white, BU's Dean of Students, one Kenneth Elmore, is proposing to put "cuss cops" by the student sections to, um, clamp down on potty mouth. Anyone caught unleashing their inner id will be given the bum's rush. (Particularly resistant suspects will get a mouthful of .38-caliber Palmolive, we presume.) Reaction has been, well, about what you'd expect:

[N]eedless to say, it has enraged some students who swear that cursing is practically tradition, especially at BU hockey games...BU's Dean of Students, Kenneth Elmore, said the new policy is a result of numerous complaints about the stream of obscenities from students at hockey games, the students are obviously none too pleased with this development.

And we can easily imagine Elmore sitting in his office, Wormer-like, formulating this directive while someone from the custodial department takes a chainsaw to the body of a freshly arrythmia'd horse in the background. It's difficult to see how, short of issuing water cannons to the enforcement patrols, this will work. Although if this does take hold, the avenues for student expression, especially after witnessing things like this, will be severely limited, to wit:

(1) Collective pulmonary embolism;
(2) Yosemite Sam-like explosions of razza-frazza-crabble-frazzin' ersatz profanity;
or,
(3) Dark, black despair coupled with warm, snot-laced tears of shame and ignominy. You know, like this:

















(See? See what happens?)