Go Charlie Go

Someone give Charlie Montoyo a major league job already.

The Ballad of The Twitter Cafe

"Painful Literalism Makes Me Cry"

So a random internet guy tweets out before this past weekend's exhibition game between the Rams and Browns that if rookie cause celebre Michael Sam sacks rookie cause celebre Johnny Manziel and then does Manziel's trademark "money" move, then he (Twitter guy, not Sam or Manziel. People on the internet have trouble with pronoun antecedents, I've found) will buy everyone in the world drinks, forever.

On Pete Rose. Again. And Again.

Because it is that point in the season, and because we have reached a nice round number since he agreed to a lifetime ban from the game, it is time for us to talk about Pete Rose, and why he should be reinstated, and such moral huggermugger as to make those of us who just want to watch some baseball quietly ill.

Another Wednesday At The Ballpark

Sometimes, you go to a Single-A ballgame between two teams that might not be loaded with prospects, punching your way through a torrential downpour on your way to get there on a Wednesday night, doing it because you told your dad that you needed to catch another ballgame together before the season ended and, oh, hey, the baseball-loving nephew is coming, too.

Match the Headline

And now for something a little different: see if you can match the content with the hysterical headline that got put over it. Answers are below:

ACC Football Preview. Sort Of.

Because it's that time of year again, and the local airwaves are buzzing with talk of ACC football. In truth, there's more reason to do it than most years, seeing as how A)last year was a remarkably successful one for the conference and B)they've just added an actually good football team in Louisville, and Notre Dame has started keeping a change of clothes and a toothbrush at conference HQ while still insisting that they're just friends with benefits.

Thoughts On The Greatest Preseason Game Ever

RGIII VERSUS JOHNNY FOOTBALL WHO IS IN A LIFE OR DEATH STRUGGLE WITH BRIAN HOYER! PRESEASON FOOTBALL AT ITS FINEST! YOU MAY BE FORCED TO BUY YOUR WHOLE SEAT AS PART OF YOUR SEASON TICKET PACKAGE BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!

Now that we've got that out of the way, some thoughts:

What I Hate About Baseball

Here's the thing I hate about baseball.

No, it's not the pace of the game. I happen to like a game that's not viciously enthralled to the need to hit commercial timeouts at precise moments. I like a game where you can't run out the clock and thus reduce a sporting event to the grinding misery of the endgame of a poorly designed German board game. Indeed, baseball games may be the only instance on the planet where customers complain about getting more of what they bought for the same money. [Insert mandatory note about how the average football game is longer and has less actual action than a baseball game. But I digress.]

Best. Excuse. Ever. (Dallas Cowboys Edition)

So this happened today:

Cowboys  DB Orlando Scandrick got suspended 4 games for violating the NFL's performance-enhancing drugs policy. Scandrick tested positive for amphetamines, which he contritely claims got into his system because he took some bad ecstasy while on vacation in Mexico with an ex-girlfriend. 

Let's stop here a minute and count up all the mind-blowing things in that statement:

NFL Preseason Week 1 Observations

Here are some things we know after the first round of NFL preseason football games:

• Michael Sam looks like a perfectly competent football player when on the field playing football.
• Johnny Manziel did not step onto the field and instantly turn into the Best Quarterback Evar.

A Recipe For Success

"You ordered what?"

For the record, this is how you make the "BBQ Nachos" at Five County Stadium in Zebulon, NC, home of the Carolina Mudcats, the Single-A affiliate of the Cleveland Indians:

Wiggins For Love: Oh No No No No No No No (Yes. A Bit)

The worst-kept secret in the history of the NBA is out, namely, that the Minnesota Timberwolves are going to unload disgruntled star and Beach Boys-connected genetic freak Kevin Love to the Cleveland LeBrons in exchange for this year's #1 overall pick (Andrew Wiggins, who claimed to have no idea he was on the block), last year's #1 overall pick (Anthony Bennett, who played last year like he was auditioning to be one of Gonzo the Great's backup chickens) and a protected #1 pick in 2015. (Protected, for those of you who don't speak NBA rules jargon, means "you don't get it if we suck". With LeBron, Love, and Kyrie Irving on board, that seems unlikely.)

For various reasons, the trade can't officially be consummated until August 23rd, which marks precisely 30 days since Wiggins signed his contract with the Cavaliers. This is the rule; no trading a guy within 30 days of signing his first contract. This makes absolutely no sense, as A)you can trade the guy's rights before he signs but not after and B)if you know you're going to trade the guy, there's no reason to make him go through the charade of starting to learn your playbook, finding a place to live, etc. when it's all going to be irrelevant as soon as the calendar rolls over.

Morning Briefing - Daniel Snyder Is In Your House

Every so often, the guys at Deadspin interrupt the cavalcade of Youtube videos of people falling over and backhanded snark at sportswriters who work for other media outlets, and unleash some really good investigative journalism. 

The MOST IMPORTANT sporting news YOU WILL EVER READ!

Before:

The 5 People Who Watch Preseason Football

As a proper son full of filial piety, I called* my parents last night, and was greeted by "Oh hi, son, we're just watching the football game..." 

I briefly thought that my parents -- who had watched a few World Cup games on purpose -- had lurched into soccer fandom so hard that they were even calling it "football." But then I realized that they were watching the Hall of Fame Game, which is the kickoff of the NFL preseason non-season.

The Five Stages of Grief, David Price Trade Edition

Denial - "There's no way the Rays are trading David Price. They're totally in this thing. Trading him would send the wrong message to the fan base. Really, they should be adding pieces to try to make a run. They're only four and a half games out, and all the TV guys on Baseball Tonight say he's not going anywhere!"

Hey You, Guy

I have a lot of problems with the Pro Football Hall of Fame, starting with the fact that it looks like a handheld orange juicer and working its way from there. Its voting processes are byzantine even by the standards of modern sports halls of fame; anything that makes the rocket scientists in Cooperstown look good and transparent by comparison may want to re-examine its processes. The logic of the voters is likewise unintelligible, and in a sport where such a high percentage of players don't get to put up "counting stats", the induction classes are heavily weighted away from those laboring in the trenches.

For Once, Believe The Hype

Dear Trading Deadline:

Thank you. Thank you for, for once, living up to the hype. Thank you for short-circuiting the increasingly hackneyed narratives of "Not a lot happened because too many teams still think they're in it" and "There were all of these great rumors being discussed and none of them came true so I'm disappointed". Thank you for shaking up multiple division races, showing us a trade between the Red Sox and the Yankees which retroactively makes that Godawful "Why Can't We Be Friends" commercial bearable, and thank you for teasing a doozy of an ALCS with the suddenly thermonuclear pitching staffs of the A's and Tigers.