Thursday, August 28, 2014

The Ballad of The Twitter Cafe

"Painful Literalism Makes Me Cry"
So a random internet guy tweets out before this past weekend's exhibition game between the Rams and Browns that if rookie cause celebre Michael Sam sacks rookie cause celebre Johnny Manziel and then does Manziel's trademark "money" move, then he (Twitter guy, not Sam or Manziel. People on the internet have trouble with pronoun antecedents, I've found) will buy everyone in the world drinks, forever.


Stunningly enough, Sam did in fact sack Manziel. Twice. 

This should not come as a surprise to anyone. Sam clobbered Manziel a few times in college, too, and the Rams' second string O-line could be renamed the Swiss Cheese Incident. And after the first time he did it, Sam did Manziel's "money" move.

Which provoked a very funny stream of tweets from the original poster as well as a sweet moment where he offered to donate to Sam's favorite charity in lieu of buying everyone in the world drinks forever, and Sam responded, and the Boys and Girls Club ended up getting a nice check.

Nice story, right? Manziel said nice things about Sam, Sam said nice things about Manziel, a charity got a check, and everyone had a nice laugh.

Except.

People got mad because this guy, who had obviously tweeted a joke, wasn't going to follow through and buy drinks for everyone in the world, forever. Never mind that it's kind of an impossibility. Never mind that each round would, at stadium prices, cost somewhere on the order of UMPTY BAZILLION DOLLARS (Note: number was just pulled completely out of my ass). Never mind that no sane human being could possibly mistake a snarky, tongue-in-cheek tweet for an actual offer. Never mind that this was not an actual bet. Never mind....no. Just no.

So, in the interest of humanity, I present to you Words That You Should Know If You Actually Are Mad This Random Guy Didn't Buy You All The Drinks Ever:

Joke (n) - a thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, especially a story with a funny punchline.

Humor (n) - the quality of being amusing or comic, especially as expressed in literature or speech.

Hyperbole (n) - exaggerated statements or claims not meant to be taken literally.

Annoyingly literal killjoy (n) - You.
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