Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Best. Excuse. Ever. (Dallas Cowboys Edition)

So this happened today:

Cowboys  DB Orlando Scandrick got suspended 4 games for violating the NFL's performance-enhancing drugs policy. Scandrick tested positive for amphetamines, which he contritely claims got into his system because he took some bad ecstasy while on vacation in Mexico with an ex-girlfriend. 

Let's stop here a minute and count up all the mind-blowing things in that statement:

  1. Scandrick is being suspended for four games for testing positive for trace amounts of amphetamines. That would be twice as long as Ray Rice got for testing positive for massive amounts of "knocking out fiancee by punching her in an elevator". Yes, I know that the substance abuse policy penalties are hard-wired into the CBA, but even Rich Kotite could have foreseen that somebody was going to get popped early in the season (because someone is always dumb enough to get popped) and that the party drug suspension was going to be held up as being longer than the domestic abuse suspension. Which, to put it mildly, does not make the NFL look good.
  2. Scandrick is blaming this on an ex-girlfriend. Like you do. I wonder if she's from Canada; that's why none of his friends ever got to meet her. And even if she's real, it's not what you'd call a real stand up move. Way to protect the shield by passing the buck to an ex, dude. Must be that "toughness" the NFL is always going on about.
  3. Scandrick tested positive for amphetamines that were in his contaminated Ecstasy. Unpack that for a minute. His excuse for testing positive for one illegal drug is whoops, hey, must have gotten it in my other illegal drug, but c'mon, that stuff happens all the time. As a tactic, this is roughly in line with the guy who calls the cops to report his briefcase full of cocaine has been stolen. (Yes, I know MDMA isn't on the NFL's banned list, which is why Scandrick can talk about taking it without fear of further suspension. BUT HE'S BLAMING HIS POSITIVE DRUG TEST ON POOR QUALITY CONTROL ON HIS OTHER DRUG.) Cowboys management, who may or may not realize that Scandrick is the only guy with a pulse on their defense, must be crapping out large adobe blocks right about as they realize that not only is their star CB taking drugs, he's taking cheap, crappy contaminated drugs. I mean at this point, it's even money that his next drug test will indicate he was smoking marijuana loaded up with oregano, Scott's Turf Builder, Old Spice deodorant, and Chanel No. 5. I mean, you don't want your guy doing drugs, but if he's going to do drugs, you want him to be doing ones that were made by Breaking Bad cosplayers using off-the shelf ingredients that "just kinda looked right".
  4. There is very little on this earth funnier than watching sober-faced sports reporters, all of whom apparently stopped their college-era recreational substance experimentation with reverse keg-standing Meisterbrau, trying to explain that Scandrick tested positive for MDMA, also known as "ecstasy" or "Molly". Listen closely and you can hear the air quotes, hovering.
Let us also consider the fact that the immediate reaction was not "Won't someone think of the children!" or "This taints football!" or "There have to be other players doing it!" It was "Man, what does this do to the Cowboys' defense?" 

Now, just as a thought experiment, let's imagine a baseball player testing positive for amphetamines and trying to explain it away by saying "Oh, that must have been some bad ecstasy my ex scored for us down in Cancun, bro. My bad." How do you think that would go over with the John Heymans of the world? The outrage would be so intense someone would go full Scanners on live TV, because Think Of The Children and This Taints The Game and Find Out Who Else Must Be Doing It And Punish Them.

Remember this the next time someone freaks out about PEDs in baseball (which they will, soon, because More Biogenesis Is Coming). Or don't. But either way, don't let Orlando Scandrick's ex handle the ecstasy buy next time you're in Cancun. 

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