Saturday, February 28, 2015

Cleveland Redux

You remember when the Cleveland Cavaliers were, like, the worst team ever? When they were under .500 and the coach was about to get fired and the stars couldn't play together and LeBron was supposedly secretly tweeting that he wanted to go back to Miami and Kevin Love was being benched and ZOMG WORST TEAM EVER?

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Top 10 Least Likely A-Rod Related Headlines This Spring Training

10-A-Rod Admits He Actually Is A Centaur
9-Yankees Exec Admits To Not Really Caring What A-Rod Is Doing Every Minute Of Every Day
8-NY Post Writer Joel Sherman Hospitalized With A-Rod Related Dementia
7-Lupica: "We Should All Just Forgive And Forget A-Rod's Actually Minor Transgressions"
6-Trump: "I Have Absolutely No Opinion On A-Rod"
5-Rodriguez goes 0-3 in Spring Training Game; World Fails To End
4-A-Rod Responds To Critics With "Well, How Many of YOU Have Dated Cameron Diaz?"
3-Jeter Says Nice Thing About Rodriguez
2-Yankees Official Agrees to Attach Name To "Anonymous" Report of Management Displeasure With Rodriguez' Showing Up Early And Working Hard
1-New York Media Collectively Admits Rodriguez Coverage Is Overblown; Decides to Hound Chase Headley Instead

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Spring Training Is Here

Pitchers and catchers have reported to spring training.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

On The Weapons-Grade Stupid In Wisconsin

The proposal from legally dubious Gov. Walker of Wisconsin to pay for a new stadium for the Milwaukee Bucks is in, and in any just or sane world it would provoke hysterical laughter. In so many words, it calls for the "athlete tax" - income taxes from pro athletes plying their trade in Wisconsin - to back $220M in bond revenues that can then be handed to the Wall Street vampires who bought the team. In return, the vampires in question, who have been drumming up support for this nonsense by bestowing tiny ownership slivers in the Bucks around town, will agree to take that money and not move the team. In other words, they will take $220M in arena bonds to continue to make money by largely doing nothing.

Sunday, February 08, 2015

On Rooting For An Awful Team

Your Phillies Marketing Department, Folks.
There is something to be said for being a fan of a terrible team.
I mean, sure, rooting for a winner is nice. Watching the team you back actually win it all is a great feeling, regardless of whether you then decide to move your couch onto the lawn so you can set it on fire to "celebrate" the victory. But even rooting for a team that doesn't go all the way - that just wins more than it loses - is nice. You get more good days than bad ones. More times when you got the desired result than the other guy, the guy who roots for the crappy team, did. More times when your choice of team to support seems like the right one.

And yet....

RIP Dean Smith

The only man on the planet who could keep Michael Jordan under 20 points per game.

Godspeed, Coach Smith

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Your Pete Carroll Conspiracy Theory Is Dumb

Normally in the wake of a close Super Bowl loss, the losing team's fans start indulging in conspiracy theories as to why their hometown heroes lost and they were deprived of the opportunity to set their favorite couches on fire in the street. The usual suspects include the refs, the NFL, organized crime and, presumably aliens, not necessarily in that order. A bad throw on 3rd and 9 becomes proof that the losing team's QB was being held in a basement somewhere by burly men from either Palermo or Murmansk (take your pick) who had wagered millions in Vegas; a blown call becomes evidence the refs have been ordered not to mess with one team's chances of winning.

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

The Ten People You Meet After Every Super Bowl

There are some who say that sports bring out the best in us. I disagree. Sports brings out the us in us, for good or for ill. And a big sporting event, like the Super Bowl, brings out really primal archetypes, ones that must be allowed to run free until at least mid-February. They include:

  1. The one who is convinced that by all rights and logic, their team actually won the game, and that it's just that pesky score thingie that came out inaccurate. Has endless reams of supporting evidence as to why this theory is correct, most of which boils down to "Well, we beat Jacksonville in Week 6"

Sunday, February 01, 2015

The Official Sportsthodoxy Super Bowl Drinking Game

Take one drink if...

  • Every time someone goes "Aww, come on!" over a non-existent holding or pass interference call.
  • Every time someone goes "Aww, come on!" over a holding or pass-interference non-call.
  • Someone says "I'm just here to watch the commercials."