Sunday, February 01, 2015

The Official Sportsthodoxy Super Bowl Drinking Game

Take one drink if...


  • Every time someone goes "Aww, come on!" over a non-existent holding or pass interference call.
  • Every time someone goes "Aww, come on!" over a holding or pass-interference non-call.
  • Someone says "I'm just here to watch the commercials."
  • An announcer talks about how a win would be "redemption" for the Patriots.
  • Someone talks about how winning this game would make Tom Brady the greatest QB of all time.
  • You make a lame "balls" joke.
  • A freshly minted Patriots or Seahawks fan jumps up and says "Yeah! That's what I'm talking about" after a gain of 7 yards or less.
  • An announcer talks about what a nice young man Russell Wilson is.
  • Someone talks disapprovingly about Marshawn Lynch's press conference performance.
  • Someone talks disapprovingly about Marshawn Lynch's crotch grab
  • Someone completely fails to mention the NFL briefly trying to make money selling images of Lynch's crotch grab.
  • An analyst points to Russell Wilson's personal faith as being the reason for the Seahawks' season turnaround as opposed to A)their linebackers and secondary getting healthy and B)Arizona getting knocked down to their fourth string quarterback.
  • The season is referred to as "challenging" for commissioner Roger Goodell
  • The season is referred to as "challenging" for commissioner Roger Goodell without any mention of the words "concussion" or "Ray Rice".
  • The "Gronk is wacky" meme gets invoked.
  • Someone at the party makes a lame "balls" joke.
  • The food you brought is untouched by the end of the first quarter.
  • The food you brought is untouched by halftime.
  • The food you brought is untouched by the end of the third quarter.
  • The food you brought is untouched at the end of the game and the host won't let you leave it there.
  • At halftime, someone tries to switch over to the Puppy Bowl "because it's so cute".
  • Someone tries to say "I'm just here so I don't get fined" ironically, and fails.
  • A fight breaks out at your Super Bowl party over someone double-dipping on the salsa
  • A fight breaks out at your Super Bowl party over someone stealing someone else's seat when they get up to go to the bathroom
  • Someone says loudly that they don't understand the weird little prop bet game the host has put together
  • You can identify any of the stars of any of the NBC shows the camera repeatedly cuts to during the game.
  • Everyone at the party makes a lame "balls" joke.
  • Announcers talk about what a great host city Phoenix is in, failing to mention that the game is actually being played in Glendale.
  • The person who says they don't understand the weird little prop bet game wins the whole thing
  • The guy who shows up late with no food eats more than anyone else
  • Someone spends the entire game grumbling about how the Packers would have been there if their coach had any balls.
  • A Seahawks fan tries to claim moral superiority for their team
  • A Patriots fan claims the whole deflated balls thing is just a result of jealousy
  • The oldest guy at the party claims repeatedly that the whole thing is fixed.
  • The winning team's fans smash a priceless landmark in their city and/or set one on fire.
  • Someone says they're actually kind of disappointed in the commercials this year.
  • There's football-themed paper plates and napkins.
  • There's Seahawks-themed paper plates and napkins.
  • There's Patriots-themed paper plates and napkins.
  • There are football-shaped mylar balloons
  • There are football-themed mylar balloons, but the Patriots' one is a little deflated.




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