Friday, January 30, 2015

Super Bowl 49 Coaching Breakdown

With Super Bowl Sunday fast approaching, it's important to get your scouting down right so you can know who's who at the big game.

Not the players, of course - we've long since passed the point where players were anything but the mechanistic imposers of their godlike coaches' will and schemes. Or so, at least, said coaches' agents will tell you, especially at contract renegotiation time. 

But with that in mind, here's your handy-dandy comparison/contrast of the two Super Bowl coaches:



Bill Belichick
Pete Carroll
Team
New England Patriots
Seattle Seahawks
Looks Like
Doctor Doom in a Hoodie
A bee-stung surfer John Kerry
Vibe
Mordor
Tech Startup where 90% of the IPO money went to one guy but hey, nerf guns
Particular Flavor of Crazy
Paranoia
9-11 Trutherism
Previous Super Bowl Experience
3-2 as a head coach, 0-1 as an assistant
1-0 as a head coach
Experience as head coach of the New York Jets
Never lost a game despite being their head coach twice. Also, never actually coached a game as their head coach.
1 year, 6-10 record. Got faked right into being fired by Dan Marino
Experience as head coach of the New England Patriots
Kind of awe-inspiring
Started mediocre and rapidly went downhill from there. Fired to make room for Bill Belichick.
Unexpected Celebrity Friend
Jon Bon Jovi
Scott Boras
Renowned Bit of Cheatery
Filmed opposing team’s practices. Also, something about balls.
Bailed on USC about sixteen milliseconds before the sanctions for all the cheating on his watch came down. Has no memory of Reggie Bush, like, ever.
Standard Evil Trick
Convincing other teams to fork over insane free agent deals for his backup quarterbacks
Convincing the refs that there’s no such thing as pass interference
Magic Power
Taking unwanted veterans on cheap deals and turning them into monster contributors, then cutting them loose before they get expensive
Keeping his time on the field and focused despite the ambient pot haze hanging over Seattle at all times
Likely Super Bowl Approach
Run the ball right up the Seahawks’ gut  and hoping Tom Brady can JJ Redick his way into a few roughing the passer calls
Mugging Rob Gronkowski and praying Russell Wilson doesn’t play like he did two weeks ago
If He Wins, His Press Conference Will Be…
Like something out of a mid-60s Soviet military parade
Like a pool party with your uncle who hasn’t figured out he’s a little old to be hanging with the college kids
If He Loses, His Press Conference Will Be…
Don’t be foolish. Belichick never loses.
Like a pool party with your uncle who hasn’t figured out he’s a little old to be hanging with the college kids.
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