Tuesday, February 03, 2015

The Ten People You Meet After Every Super Bowl

There are some who say that sports bring out the best in us. I disagree. Sports brings out the us in us, for good or for ill. And a big sporting event, like the Super Bowl, brings out really primal archetypes, ones that must be allowed to run free until at least mid-February. They include:

  1. The one who is convinced that by all rights and logic, their team actually won the game, and that it's just that pesky score thingie that came out inaccurate. Has endless reams of supporting evidence as to why this theory is correct, most of which boils down to "Well, we beat Jacksonville in Week 6"
  2. The guy - and it is always a guy - who is endlessly flabbergasted that someone who knows nothing about football won the "predict the score" contest at the Super Bowl party they attended
  3. "Why isn't the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday?" guy. Also known as "Guy who face-planted in the salsa after nine beers and 26 wings" guy.
  4. The one who's already put the game behind them and is now completely focused on next season, starting with the draft. Liable to buttonhole you to tell you how there's an interior lineman from Tulsa who totally would have put the Seahawks over the top.
  5. The one who obsesses over the injustice of who was named Super Bowl MVP. Here's a hint: it's the quarterback. It's always the quarterback. Larry Brown ruined it for everyone else.
  6. The one who's calling for the losing team's head coach to be fired. Because coffee is for closers.
  7. The one who's obsessed with which commercials "won" or "lost" the night, and who insists on showing you their choices for same on YouTube at the earliest possible opportunity.
  8. The person who knows nothing about football yet won their Super Bowl party's "pick the score" contest, who spends the day loudly wondering what they're going to do with their winnings - within earshot of everyone else who was at that party.
  9. The one in the Brady jersey. It doesn't matter who won or even who played; there's always one in a Brady jersey.
  10. The one who takes great pleasure in letting everyone know that they did not watch the game, and who will continue telling everyone they meet they did not watch the game until someone gives them a suitably shocked reaction.
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