ESPN Headline - English Translation Guide

Because sometimes the headline writers at the World Wide Leader don't quite communicate what they're after, here's a handy-dandy ESPN-English translation guide from today's ESPN.COM front page (with bonus content from the CFB page, ya nitpicking bastids)

• BRADY'S DAD WANTS PATS TO SCORE 60 AGAINST COLTS = "Nobody on the Patriots or Colts has said anything interesting this week."
• HARVEY WINS BACK GOTHAM WITH GAME ONE VICTORY = "Mets fans are fickle jerks. Also, Dent for mayor!"
• VIKINGS SATURDAY DONUT CLUB: A BROTHERHOOD OF SUGAR = "Linemen are fat, and now that none of them are getting arrested, the Vikings are boring."
• WATCH: FANTASY FOOTBALL NOW ON ESPN2" = "Have all those conversations where you told uncaring strangers about your fantasy team validated!"
• NORWICH CITY CUTS NEWCASTLE LEAD = "We paid a ton for these broadcasting rights, so you WILL care about soccer, goddamnit!"
• PANTHERS UPSET AFTER FIRE ALARM PULLED IN THEIR HOTEL = "No word yet if someone left a flaming bag of dog poo out front as well."
• STACK UP YOUR TEAM WITH PATRIOTS' PLAYERS = "We're not sure how to use apostrophes to indicate the possessive, either."
• WYOMING COWBOYS FAN WEARING A BARREL ON THE SIDELINE = "We have absolutely nothing to add to this picture."