Thursday, March 24, 2016

What Your Choice of Pittsburgh Penguins Jersey Is Really Saying For You

NHL replica hockey jerseys are expensive.

Hockey used to have a real working-class ethic in the US; historically when someone says "hockey fan" they think of a guy missing a couple of teeth who has to get up early to unload railcars or something, when in fact there are a lot more NHL fans who look like Margot Robbie than you would imagine.

We don't like showing pictures of
Rangers fans but one does what one must
But these days if you attend an NHL game the overwhelming majority of fans have shelled out $150 or so for a replica jersey on top of the $50 or so per ticket they spent to get in.

Your purchase choice can be tricky! You want to send a message that says I AM A REAL HOCKEY FAN but you don't want to spend $150 on a guy who's about to be traded to Winnipeg, or who becomes a free agent at the end of the season, or who has had so many concussions that he thinks icing is the stuff you lick off a cupcake.

So you make the safe choice; you go with the franchise player or the historical figure or whatever.  But as a point of reference, Penguins fans, here's what your choice is really saying about you. Other teams' fans may be able to extrapolate. Except for Flyers fans, who probably don't know what 'extrapolate' means.

  • CROSBY 87 – I have heard of hockey.
  • LEMIEUX 66 – I have heard of hockey, and I am at least 35 years old.
  • MALKIN 71 – I have attended at least one hockey game in person.
  • FLEURY 29 – I don't think it's weird that a professional hockey player goes by “Flower.”
  • KUNITZ 14 – My friends all think of me as the second banana and I am OK with it.
  • JAGR 68 – I swear I'll replace this when he retires.
  • CROSBY 87 (red & white Canadian National Team) I am serious about hockey.
  • MULLEN 7 I have been serious about hockey for 20 years.
  • Ма́лкин 71 (blue & red Russian National Team) I am Evgeni's father Vlad.
  • LETANG 58 – Do you think he'll notice me tonight? Our seats are right on the glass! I love him! Maybe they'll show my MARRY ME KRIS LETANG sign up on the jumbotron!
  • DUPUIS 9 – I am sort of sad and wistful.
  • SATAN 81 – I think it's hilarious to have a jersey that says "SATAN".
  • BARRASSO 31 – I am an asshole.

Regardless of your choice -- and I respect whatever choice you've made -- your choice of Penguins jersey says one very important thing about you: You're not wearing a Flyers jersey. And when it comes down to it, isn't that what really matters?
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