Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Fantasy Baseball Survival Tips for the Wise

The secrets to playing in a fantasy baseball league while maintaining your sanity and keeping everyone around you from wanting to kill you are simple. They are, in order:

  1. Do not talk to anyone who is not in your fantasy baseball league about your fantasy team for more then fifteen seconds, maximum. It is permissible to admit you are playing fantasy baseball, and in the unlikely event that your team name is actually funny (Note: "Nelson Cruz For President", "Feel the Bernie Brewers" and "Ben Zobrist Ghazi" are not, in fact, funny) you can mention the name. Once. To go beyond these firm limits is to risk inducing permanent brain lock in any soul unfortunate enough to hear you. And yes, this includes your spouse/partner. Especially your spouse/partner.
  2. Do not dwell on what is past, and never ever speak of it. The two deadliest phrases in fantasy baseball are "That guy used to be on my team" and "If only I hadn't sat that guy." He isn't any more, you didn't, and now it's time to deal with the consequences of your decision making. Own your past. Do not be ruled by it.
  3. Under no circumstances should you ever acquire a Phillies pitcher for your team.
  4. Never utter the words "I'm saving my cash for the end of a draft," because these words are a lie. What you are saying is either "I couldn't pull the trigger on an expensive player" or "I really thing Peter Bourjous is worth $14, and I'd better hoard half my salary in order to make sure I get him." Neither reflects well on you.
  5. Accept the fact that there are no sleepers any more. At this point, there are more people involved in writing about fantasy sports than there are researching quantum physics, which means that nobody sneaks through. There are podcasts devoted to figuring out the dynasty league prospects of the backup second baseman on the Beloit Snappers. (answer: none) there are too many eyes and too many column inches to fill. Abandon all hope of "sneaking someone through" and find peace.
  6. Remember, it is a long season. if you hang on every pitch in April, you're going to be dead by August. Which, if you break rule #1, may be because someone has murdered you.
  7. Do not root for real-life injuries to open up opportunities for players on your fantasy team. Because doing so makes you a dick.
  8. Certain pitchers are elite. Most of them are not. Come to terms with the fact that there is no significant difference in fantasy baseball performance between, say, Charlie Morton and 60% of the other pitchers out there, and you will find yourself much happier. Spend your days trying to find the microscopic difference between #4 starters and you will go mad. Unless, of course, you're in a matchup league, in which you should always try to grab the guy pitching at San Diego and dump the guy pitching in Colorado.
  9. If you are in more than one league, do not compare leagues. "But I'm winning in my other league" is the fantasy baseball equivalent of "You can't meet my girlfriend, she lives in Canada". And everyone knows that Canadians don't date fantasy baseball players.
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