Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Your Handy-Dandy Super Bowl 50 Translation Guide:

Sometimes, athletes, coaches and reporters at the Super Bowl say what they mean. This has happened as recently as Max McGee admitting he was hung over after Super Bowl I. Since then, the game has hidden behind an endless curtain of genteel weaselspeak. But that's OK, we're here to clear it up for you:

When They Say:  "This is a new kind of Panthers team"
It Actually Means:  "We're not going to talk about the last time they were in the Super Bowl because half the O-Line and the freaking punter appear to have been 'roiding out of their minds."

When They Say:  "It's not about race, I just wish Cam Newton acted more like Peyton Manning"
It Actually Means:  "It's totally about race. Also, we're going ignore that story about how Peyton supposedly once plopped his junk down on a female trainer's face. Because if Cam did that, he'd be a thug and a poor role model for children."

When They Say:  "This could be Peyton Manning's last game."
It Actually Means:  "This guy is old and it's getting painful to watch him. Please let him retire so we don't have to run any more stories about the apprenticeship of Brock Osweiler. Thank you."

When They Say:  "We want to win this game for Peyton"
It Actually Means:  "We want to win this game because winning team checks are much, much larger than losing team checks, but we can't exactly say that. Also, we just like winning better than losing in general."

When They Say:  "He'll be a game-time decision."
It Actually Means:  "He has had his arm gnawed off by a rabid weasel and couldn't play football if his life depended on it, but if we admit he's not going to play, the other team may garner some scrap of advantage in their planning, and we can't have that sort of thing."

When They Say:  "They haven't faced a quarterback like Cam Newton."
It Actually Means:  "There is no quarterback like Cam Newton, and if you say Russell Wilson's name, by God I will hurt you for your stupidity."

When They Say:  "If Denver can establish their running game, they've got a good chance at winning."
It Actually Means: "If they can completely avoid throwing forward passes, they're in good shape."

When They Say:  "The Panthers' secondary played an aggressive game against the Cardinals"
It Actually Means:  "They're still digging fragments of Cardinals wide receivers' jerseys out from under the fingernails of everyone back there who isn't Josh Norman."

When They Say:"This has a chance to be a statement game."
It Actually Means: "We desperately need a narrative, any narrative."

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