Monday, January 21, 2013

The Sportsthodoxy Guide To The Coachin' Harbaughs

Now that the matchup is set for the Super Bowl (We're not monetizing this thing, so we're going to say "Super Bowl" all we want instead of, say, "The Big Game" or "The Uper-Say Owl-Bay" or whatever the NFL's lawyers insist on) it has become clear that the major storyline for the game will be Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh. Having the two coaches of the two Super Bowl participants be brothers offers an unprecedented opportunity to beat the topic of fraternal competition to death, and we look forward to the full weight of Fox, ESPN, Sports Illustrated and others being turned to pumping a glorified, billion dollar version of "Mom liked me better!"

With that in mind, here's your quick guide to telling the two coaching brothers apart so that in the weeks to come, you can have a better grasp on which one of them you think is being overexposed at any given moment:

Jim Harbaugh
John Harbaugh
Best known for winning...
At Stanford
The loyalty of Ray Lewis
San Francisco 49ers
Baltimore Ravens
Has a star player who...
Is named Frank Gore
Might have once been drenched in gore
Lost last year’s conference championship game because...
He kept sending a kick returner with a concussion out onto the field
Forgot that special teams are actually part of the game
Quarterback in the NFL for over a decade, though not very well
Defensive back for the U. Yes, it was a shock to us, too.
Got his coaching break from...
Dad, and don’t think he’s ever going to hear the end of it
Andy Reid
Run in with authority...
DUI arrest in 2005
Once bumped a ref and got fined for it
Is going to win the Super Bowl because...
His head will explode during a sideline tantrum if he doesn’t
Ray Lewis has said that God wants him to. And even God is afraid of Ray Lewis

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