Thursday, June 23, 2016

Things We Will See Today At The NBA Draft

In no particular order:


  1. The Philadelphia 76ers will take Ben Simmons #1 overall.
  2. The Los Angeles Lakers will take Brandon Ingram #2 overall.
  3. The national media will gush over the Lakers' choice and talk about how this means "the Lakers are back", never mind that you generally have to be kind of awful to get the #2 pick and one guy ain't gonna fix that.
  4. The Boston Celtics will trade the #3 pick. 
  5. The Boston media will immediately proclaim this is a masterstroke by Celtics GM, and that he has outsmarted the rest of the NBA. Unless of course the Celtics don't trade the pick, at which point the Boston media will immediately praise Ainge for not trading the pick for insufficient return and appoint Providence PG Kris Dunn the second coming of  John Havlicek.
  6. Nobody will care whom the Phoenix Suns pick, because they'll screw it up regardless.
  7. San Antonio will select a relatively unknown player from Europe whose last name is worth at least 36 points straight up in Scrabble.
  8. Sam Hinkie, despite not actually being affiliated with any team, will still somehow wind up with a pair of second round picks. One of them will be from Sacramento. One of them is always from Sacramento.
  9. The term "value pick" will be uttered by somebody before we've left the top 10 selections.
  10. A horde of Thanagarian warriors will descend on Jay Bilas and beat him senseless for his relentless overuse of the term "wingspan". OK, maybe not, but we can live in hope.
  11. Whispers about Australian prospect Thon Maker's true age will boil over until it is revealed he's actually a 47 year old cyborg from the far future come back in time to warn us about what happens if you take too many overhyped Kentucky one-and-done players in the first round. The very future of civilization depends on it!
  12. At least 3 second round picks will have their names butchered by the announcers. All will be from either France or Croatia.
  13. In keeping with his freshman year performance, Kentucky big man Skal Labissiere will go to high-five commissioner Adam Silver when he is selected and will miss.
  14. There will be at least one idiot who gets on camera with a hand-made sign reading "This is SKAL Country!"
  15. At least six guys who all thought they were going to be the #3 pick will give interviews talking about how they want to prove the haters wrong and stick it to every team that passed on them.


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