Saturday, March 14, 2015

Battle Of The Spring Training Sites

There are those who claim that spring training baseball is best in Arizona, and those who think it is best in Florida. Fans of Arizona point to the extensive list of local restaurants provided by Keith Law during his ESPN chats and the fact that all of the teams train close together, while fans of Florida like to point to the tradition of spring training there, the resorts, and the fact that it isn’t Arizona. However, in this age of statistical analysis of everything, it seems obvious that the only way we will ever get to the bottom of this debate is with a head to head comparison, to enable us - the fans - to determine which spring training state is truly the best of all.


CATEGORY
FLORIDA
ARIZONA
Retiree from New Jersey Density
High
High
Best Known For
Swamps, hurricanes and corrupt politics
Deserts, droughts, and insane politics
Biggest Risk At Games
Alligators in puddle near third base
Scorpions, Mister Rico. Zillions of ‘em!
Srping Training Hub
Disneyworld
Phoenix
Other Things To Do Besides Watch Baseball
Be trampled by small children at Disneyworld
Meditate with hippies in Sedona
Most Recent Sports Accomplishment
Championships for FSU and the Miami Heat
Hosted NFL’s championship game, which their team did not play in
Franchise in Trouble
Tampa Bay Rays, whose owners are considering changing the team name to “Free Beer” in hopes of drawing more fans
Phoenix Coyotes because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE WHO PUTS A FREAKING HOCKEY TEAM IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT AND THINKS IT’S A GOOD IDEA?
Espoused By
Crusty Old Traditionalists Who Coincidentally Are Late For the Sixth Race At Hialeah
Hipster sports bloggers desperate to get off the East Coast in March
Wacky Celebrity Spring Training Stunt
I dunno. Has Rush shown up at anybody’s camp this year?
Will Ferrell playing multiple positions in multiple games for charity, and being better than half the Phillies’ spring training invitees while he’s at it
Hallowed Fan Tradition
Arrival of first Red Sox fan, who says, “Gehd, it’s wahm heah.”
Arrival of first Cubs fan, who says, “Where’s the bar?”
Looming Ecological Disaster That Will Render It Unfit For Baseball 
Rising sea levels should swamp most of the state and eliminate most proposed alternate Rays stadium sites
Beginning of 500 year mega-drought cycle bodes ill for centerfield pool at Diamondbacks’ stadium

Upon further review, of course, the evidence is conclusive: both sites are equally terrible, and the White House can't normalize relations with Cuba so we can have spring training in Havana again fast enough.


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