Monday, October 06, 2014

We're Doomed: World Series Ratings Edition (Again)

The transcript of a conversation held inside Fox Sports HQ last night after the baseball scores went final.

EXECUTIVE ONE: Oh crap, we're doomed.

EXECUTIVE TWO: What do you mean?

EXECUTIVE ONE: The American League. We thought we were going to get LA-

EXECUTIVE TWO: The Dodgers are in the National League.

EXECUTIVE ONE: -of Anaheim in California, with Trout and Pujols and Hamilton. Easy to promote, big market, right?

EXECUTIVE TWO: Right. Or Detroit.

EXECUTIVE ONE: Yeah. And Detroit had whatsisname, the pitcher who did the commercials and dated the model-

EXECUTIVE TWO: Justin Verlander. Everybody's heard of him.

EXECUTIVE ONE: Yeah, everyone's heard of whoever he is, and the other two pitching guys, and the Miggy guy. Not as big a market, maybe, but super easy to promote, right?

EXECUTIVE TWO: Yeah. But now?

EXECUTIVE ONE: Now we've got a choice of Baltimore and Kansas City.

EXECUTIVE TWO: What's the problem there?

EXECUTIVE ONE: What's the problem? We're gonna get killed in the ratings! Kansas City's got, like, twelve people living in it! And eight of them don't have electricity! Nobody's ever heard of any of the guys on Kansas City! We can't promote them!

EXECUTIVE TWO: What about Baltimore?

EXECUTIVE ONE: They're orange

EXECUTIVE TWO: So's San Francisco.

EXECUTIVE ONE: Yes, but San Francisco has cool people! And money! And cool people with money wearing that Google headglasses thingie! Baltimore has crab cakes and The Wire! The only guy on that team anyone's heard of is out for a drug suspension, and the other guys they've heard of are hurt. We're doomed!

EXECUTIVE TWO: That's three guys.

EXECUTIVE ONE: Shut up! I said we're doomed!

EXECUTIVE TWO: Well, I'm just spitballing here, but maybe we could try to find ways to pitch these teams. You know, historically successful teams rising up after decades of futility. 

EXECUTIVE ONE: I'm not seeing it. I just want easy narratives of teams from big cities with big names.

EXECUTIVE TWO: Or we could find new stars to pitch...

EXECUTIVE ONE: New stars? Where would we find new stars?

EXECUTIVE TWO: - I hear this Gordon guy is good.

EXECUTIVE ONE: Gordon, Gordon - I know! We can get him a cameo on Gotham!

EXECUTIVE TWO: That's it! And there's always the scrappy underdog angle, right? America loves scrappy underdogs.

EXECUTIVE ONE:....maybe we can get Derek Jeter to unretire and have the Yankees trade him to Kansas City.

EXECUTIVE TWO: ...I'll be at the bar.
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