Sunday, February 04, 2007

Super Bowl Prediction

Brian Urlacher (left) and Lance Briggs' Unique Super Bowl Training Regimen

Despite the fact that I, like 99% of the people out there commenting on this have no bloody idea what they're talking about (and that includes Terry Bradshaw, Sean Salisbury, and Tony Siragusa), have no idea what the hell is going to happen, I still feel compelled to make some form of prediction. So here it is:

Unless Tank Williams goes all Last Boy Scout on Joseph Addai, the Bears' lack of a defensive line will prove their undoing. The Colts, inspired by Steven Colbert's dire warning that bears are in fact the greatest threat facing this country, will rise to the patriotic occasion and win a 28-17 game that isn't as close as it looks, due to no fewer than six missed field goals on the part of the Colts. After the game, it will be revealed that former official drunken idiot kicker Mike Vanderjagt ambushed Adam Viniateri in the parking lot outside the stadium, knocking him out and taking his place. Unfortunately, the false Viniateri will miss field goals of 24, 27, 29, 34, 35, and 57 yards, the last being attempted after Tony Dungy has A)figured out what's going on and B)instructed his special teams linemen not to block in order to make sure he gets his money's worth out of the upcoming "Roughing the Kicker" call.

Peyton Manning, much to the disappointment of sports talk radio hosts everywhere, will have a solid game, Marvin Harrison will have one touchdown catch, and Rex Grossman will do fine until the third quarter, at which point it will become apparent that the Bob Sanders-led Indy defense cannot be run on effectively, and that Dwight Freeney knows Grossman's name, location, tendencies, social security number, google password, and darkest sexual proclivities. By the middle of the fourth quarter, Chicago columnist Jay Mariotti will have run onto the field in an attempt to tackle Grossman himself in an attempt to prove to his readers that it can be done by anyone, only to be intercepted and eaten by center Olin Kreutz, who, at his listed 292, is a little undersized for the modern game.

Seriously. It's going to happen just like that.
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