Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Your Handy-Dandy Guide to Fired NFL Coaches

No, Chuck Pagano's not on this list. I didn't believe it, either.

COACH: Mike Pettine
TEAM: Cleveland Browns
REASON HE WAS FIRED: Failed to turn a party-bro rich kid with substance abuse and attention span problems and turn him into Fran Tarkenton.  Unable to stop his team's best wide receiver from going full Cheech and Chong and getting suspended for a season. Unable to locate any other offensive talent on the roster.
PROBABLE NEXT JOB: Substance abuse counselor 

COACH: Jim Tomsula
TEAM: San Francisco 49ers
REASON HE WAS FIRED: Was knowingly handed a tire fire of a roster without enough NFL-level talent to win the SEC West after being hired on the cheap to keep the job warm for a better crop of candidates. Failed to overcome the retirement of roughly 84% of the actual NFL quality players on the roster in the offseason.  Was not GM Trent Baalke.
PROBABLE NEXT JOB: Defensive line coach somewhere

COACH: Chip Kelly
TEAM: Philadelphia Eagles
REASON HE WAS FIRED: Kicked the team's GM out of his chair, then made like a meth freak playing FanDuel in remaking the Eagles' roster. Lost track of the football side of the equation in between his protein shakes, sleep monitors, and daily affirmations of his own greatness. Was deeply allergic to providing the team with any wide receivers capable of catching a football for any reason whatsoever.
PROBABLE NEXT JOB: Research technician for DARPA's theoretical projects division

COACH: Ken Whisenhunt
TEAM: Tennessee Titans
REASON HE WAS FIRED: Came in last in the AFC South, the division that made the NFC East look like the gods of Olympus. That pretty much says it all.
PROBABLE NEXT JOB: Something on Jeff Fisher's staff with the Rams, as he tries to learn Fisher's dark employment sorcery.

COACH: Tom Coughlin
TEAM: New York Giants
REASON HE WAS FIRED: Did enough with the talent he was handed to make New York types think he should have been doing more. Had obtained a long-term lease on 3rd place in the NFC East. Was old.
PROBABLE NEXT JOB: Peacefully sipping a Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler as he enjoys retirement and watches the Giants crater without him.

COACH: Joe Philbin
TEAM: Miami Dolphins
REASON HE WAS FIRED: Was handed a giant pile of expensive free agents in the offseason and failed to turn them into Voltron. Did not win enough games for owner Stephen Ross to leverage team's success into more free public money. Was kind of awful at press conferences. And coaching.
PROBABLE NEXT JOB: Head Coach, Cleveland Browns. Because sometimes you just have no luck at all.

COACH: Dan Campbell
TEAM: Miami Dolphins
REASON HE WAS FIRED: Treated PATTON like it was game film. Spent more time trying to get his players to be "tough" than he did trying to get them to play football well. WILL SMASH PUNY HUMANS! RARRR!
PROBABLE NEXT JOB: Motivational speaker for members of AC/DC cover bands


COACH: Lovie Smith
TEAM: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
REASON HE WAS FIRED: Failed to ride a rookie quarterback into the playoffs. Roughly zero defensive improvement over the course of his tenure. Said mean things about the pirate ship at the end of the stadium. Was asked to coach a team in uniforms that looked like a digital clock had mated with a soldering iron. 
PROBABLE NEXT JOB: Defensive coordinator for an SEC team while he waits for the Cleveland Browns job to inevitably come open...again.
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