Saturday, August 29, 2015

Jordy Nelson and God’s Plan


Roger Goodell has taken a lot of flak for having too much power in the NFL.  He is the judge, jury, and executioner of discipline. He is ruling on moral issues more than any commissioner before him.  He is on a personal witch hunt against the Patriots and Tom Brady, when he’s not hugging Robert Kraft. He has too much influence on the game!  Who cares if that’s what everyone voted for and agreed to, we don’t like it anymore!

Well folks, we may have a bigger hand meddling in our beloved world of football.  God himself.  As we learned from Russell Wilson earlier this year, God is, in fact, a football fan.  He wanted the Seahawks to win the NFC Championship and made sure that Brandon Bostick inexplicably knocked the ball away from Jordy Nelson’s open breadbasket.  Then God showed up at the Super Bowl, Jedi mind-tricked Pete Carroll and Darrell Bevell into not running the ball to Beast Mode and forcing Wilson to throw a pick at the 1 yard line.  As Wilson walked off the field, God was hanging out up in the rafters by the confetti telling Wilson… “I'm using you ... I want to see how you respond. But most importantly, I want them to see how you respond.”  Please take a moment and read that again.  You should drink some Recovery Water if your brain is hurting trying to process this.

Just like NFL owners, God takes the preseason very seriously.  Next up on the hit list was Kelvin Benjamin, Maurkice Pouncey, and now Orlando Scandrick. I can’t wait to see how God will rule on a team in Los Angeles, Tim Tebow making the Eagles roster, or the Tom Brady suspension… wait, he doesn’t have that much power.  Goodell still runs that show.   It seems like He especially has it out for those of us in Packer Nation these days.  I guess we’re finally paying for that bar-to-church ratio we have been boasting for so many years.  He once again stuck it to that awful degenerate Jordy Nelson making sure he doesn’t continue to poison our precious sport with 60+ yard touchdowns and donations to youth ministries.



Glover Quin is this week’s pigskin prophet claiming it was God’s plan for Jordy to get hurt. Hey, that’s, like, your opinion man and he explained it thoroughly and it’s something about God, so we can’t attack it according to Jim Caldwell.  Got it.  Makes sense. 

What also makes sense is my theory.  The El Niño theory.  I feel a tremendous sense of guilt and I want to reach out to the Sportsthodoxy faithful to atone my sins.  I had no idea that what I was doing would have such an impact on my sports-watching life in 2015.  You see, 8 years ago I met a boy named Jordy in the foothills of Sequoia National Park.



He was an innocent boy filled with candy that gave a look of someone who wanted to be beaten repeatedly with a stick.  I had no choice.  As I took crack after crack at his leg region trying to free the Jolly Ranchers and unknown Mexican candy that rested inside.  Each blow sent a wave of negative, leg-injuring energy out into the universe.  That negative energy began a slow course of Northeasterly travel throughout the United States - from the Sierras of Southern California all the way to Heinz Field in Pittsburgh.  The strength of my blows took exactly 8 years to travel cross country and land on Jordy’s knee as he made the catch.  I calculated it, the math works out.  It wasn’t God’s will.  It wasn’t too many preseason games.  It certainly wasn’t a freak accident caused by mediocre field conditions and a weakened knee after months of rehabbing hip surgery.  No, definitely not that.  It was me and my rage towards that small piñata boy with the same name.  I’m sorry to everyone I have affected with my actions.

So how does this affect my life? (aka the Fantasy Impact)

Aaron Rodgers is one of those “make everyone better around me” QBs.  Just look at how Greg Jennings and James Jones have done outside of Green Bay.  His numbers, in general, won’t be affected by this.  Rodgers throws to the open man.  So, who will that be?  Randall Cobb is a slot receiver and I don’t think his numbers are going to explode because he doesn’t play the same role.  Additionally, he will likely receive more top CB attention and double teams than last year.  Davante Adams becomes a weekly play.  He won’t be as consistent as Jordy, but you can pretty much count on double digit targets each week.  The #3 receiver is a big question mark.  Jeff Janis looks the part of Jordy Nelson, but Ty Montgomery has been a stud in the preseason.  My guess is they both get work, their numbers will be inconsistent and we won’t know who the clear cut #3 is until the back half of the season.

There’s no doubt that this means more work for Eddie Lacy including more passes thrown his way.  I have him as my #2 RB behind Le’Veon Bell and because I really don’t want AP on my team.  The extra passes push him ahead of Jamaal Charles and Lynch in my opinion.  Also keep an eye out for a sleeper TE in Richard Rodgers.  Same last name, soft hands, and more red zone targets like this coming his way.


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