Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Top 10 Most Likely Philadelphia Eagles Draft Picks

Two possible Eagles picks working out at the team's complex
It has been an eventful offseason for the Eagles and their coach/GM/resident supervillain Chip Kelly. He has traded quarterbacks, signed quarterbacks, traded for quarterbacks that nobody thought he had any interest in, ditched running backs, signed running backs, and generally treated the whole offseason like one long day at DraftKings.com. That being said, it all comes down to this week's draft, and while various pundits have offered up their (almost inevitably wrong) predictions as to what the Chipster will do, we at Sportsthodoxy think we've got a handle on the ten most likely possibilities:




  1. Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon - Eagles coach & GM Chip Kelly puts together a package containing 3 of the 47 quarterbacks he currently has on the roster, 9 draft picks and a year's supply of Tastykake Butterscotch Krimptets and sends it to Tennessee for the rights to draft his former college QB Mariota at the second overall slot. He then announces that Mariota is the perfect QB to run his offense, converts him to left tackle, and inserts a clone of Joe Pisarcik as his starting quarterback, just because he can.
  2. Marcus Peters, CB, Washington - The Eagles' secondary is still a mess. Peters provides help at a position of need. Eagles fans, bored beyond comprehension by a logical, sensible pick, boo Peters off the stage in Chicago.
  3. Shmim Smebow, QB, No Place You've Ever Heard Of - A real dark horse pick. Nobody's ever seen this guy on the field playing QB, but Kelly swears he's a total game-breaking talent. 
  4. Jake Fisher, T, Oregon - ALL THE OREGONS! WE MUST HAVE ALL THE OREGONS, PRECIOUS!
  5. Jahlil Okafor, C/FP, Duke - With the Eagles' receiving corps thin, Okafor provides the sort of tall deep threat with amazing leaping ability Kelly craves. Plus, 6'1" cornerbacks simply don't stand a chance of coming down with the ball.
  6. Johnny Manziel, QB, Cleveland - Rightly assuming that with all of the craziness in Philadelphia this offseason, nobody is paying attention to Cleveland, the Browns surreptitiously dump Manziel and his contract back into the draft. Kelly pounces.
  7. Chip Kelly, coach, Philadelphia - To ensure no one else gets any of his coaching and personnel genius, Kelly drafts himself, then gives himself a max rookie contract. At a press conference introducing himself as the Eagles' top pick, Kelly praises himself for a strong work ethic and coachability and then immediately fines himself for missing pre-draft OTAs.
  8. Steve Austin, Six Million Dollar Man - Citing increased conditioning needs and Eagles pace-of-play concerns, Kelly goes for a cyborg who will never get winded. Quoth the coach, "The game really slows down for him, especially when he makes that ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch noise."
  9. Thor, Tight End, Valhalla - A late riser in the draft. Kelly was especially impressed with the scouting video Joss Whedon put together for Thor, though he later suggested in an interview that rumors he was trying to trade up to pick the Hulk as well were "overblown".
  10. Sasquatch, Mythical Creature, Oregon - ESPN.com's Todd McShay calls the pick "real out of the box thinking, seeing as we're not sure sasquatches actually exist". And yes, Sasquatch is from Oregon.


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