Monday, August 27, 2012

Little-Known Secondary Rules For Dez Bryant

The big ones - no strip clubs, the curfew, the bodyguard - have already been reported. But what most folks don't know is that there's a whole slew of secondary rules the estimable Mr. Bryant has to follow as well. At great personal risk, not to mention prolonged exposure to Ed Werder's mustache, we've obtained a partial list of those conditions. They include:

"Fluttershy, you run a post route"

  • Not permitted to participate in illicit street racing with Vin Diesel
  • Banned from attending IMAX showings of The Dark Knight Rises; must only see it in regular theaters
  • Required to remove sing-along video of "Call Me Maybe" from YouTube
  • Not allowed to serenade members of his 3-man security detail with "And I Will Always Love You"
  • Required to block on at least one out of every three running plays.
  • Not permitted to rub Tony Kornheiser's head or Michael Wilbon's belly "for luck" before games any longer
  • Must write a lengthy review of the latest episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic by no later than Thursday, every week
  • No longer allowed to use the Chocolate Wonderfall at Golden Corral
  • Mandatory sessions visiting Mrs. Ethel Goldstein at a local nursing home every Tuesday, wherein she will announce that he's "a nice boy, but she's very disappointed he didn't become a dentist"
  • Must return Chris Berman's toupee the next time he sees him, and stop calling it "baby Tribble"
  • Required to blame Tony Romo for team's inevitable late-season collapse

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