Saturday, March 31, 2012

13 Things We Will Learn This Baseball Season

  1. Jamie Moyer, penciled in as the Rockies' #2 starter, will be caught during a road trip to Miami sneaking off to the pool from Cocoon, where he will drain strange alien energies to revitalize himself.
  2. Royals prospect Cheslor Cuthbert will be revealed to have escaped from Middle-Earth, because everybody is named Cheslor there and he wanted to stand out for a change.
  3. Regardless of the verdict of arbitrators, Ryan Braun is a pretty damn good baseball players
  4. Yoenis Cespides will hit a ton of home runs and produce a ton of strikeouts. He will also cause at least one announcer to mispronounce his name in a way that produces write-in protests, tons of YouTube hits, and at least one guest appearance on The Soup.
  5. Jim Thome will play first base just fine for the Phillies for about a month. Then, on a ball hit three steps to his right, he will explode. Vertebrae will land as far away as the ninth row of the stands.
  6. "Yu" puns related to Texas Rangers pitcher and Japanese import Yu Darvish will stop being funny around April 15th. Sportswriters will continue making them well into the postseason.
  7. Someone will get accused of taking steroid with absolutely no proof.
  8. Someone who did take steroids will get a free pass from the media because "he's a good guy" and/or "he plays for the Yankees".
  9. Andy Pettite's triumphant comeback tour is going to include at least two 6-inning, 8 earned run shellackings at the hands of the Red Sox and/or Rays
  10. Albert Pujols is going to have a great year, leading stat head baseball fans to completely ignore what's going on on the field and concentrate on what an albatross that contract is going to be eight years from now.
  11. Brandon McCarthy will get traded at the deadline. He will go someplace there aren't dozens of acres of foul territory. The results will be ugly.
  12. A Phillies batboy will actually need to run out to second base with an oil can at some point this season after Chase Utley breaks down like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz.
  13. The Giants will completely and utterly screw up Brandon Belt's development, ultimately dumping him in a late-July trade. He will go on to a long and successful career somewhere else. In 2022, Brian Sabean will look at the aging, no longer mobile Belt and decide that he's a perfect fit for the Giants.

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