Friday, October 17, 2008

The National Media's Guide to Philadelphia Sports Fans, Presented as a Public Service (Part 1)

1-Dressing Like Santa Claus is a bad idea
All Philadelphia fans are born with an instinctive hatred of Santa, and will pelt anyone even vaguely dressed like him - this includes late-period John Kruk in his road uni, Rerun from What's Happening, and wall-mounted animation cels from the Fat Albert cartoon series - with snowballs on sight. Little-known fact: Phillies fans actually pay to import snow-making machines from the Poconos and keep them running all summer in the basement of Citizens' Bank Park so taht they can have ammunition in case Modell's Sports tries to run a "Christmas in July" sale.

2-On the throwing of batteries
Contrary to popular belief, Philadelphia sports fans do not in fact rain down nine-volts willy-nilly on members of the opposition outfield. In fact, it is only under one particular circumstance that a visitor to the outfield at CBP might be in peril of getting a battery upside the head, and that would be if they were playing right field and wearing an authentic, game-used J.D. Drew jersey.
And even in that instance, no one would through a nine volt.
They'd throw a car battery instead.

3-The only food that anyone in Philadelphia eats is cheesesteaks
Simply not true. They also eat Tastykakes. And scrapple. Usually, not together.
Usually.
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