And Johnny Cash Won't Come To Sing To Him

Former Marlins, Expos, Phillies, and probably Schaumburg Flyers reliever Ugueth Urbina was convicted in the case of the attempted murder of 5 workers on his family plantation in Venezuela. Urbina's steadfast defense throughout the whole trial is that he wasn't involved because he was in slumberland at the time, which A)redefines the term "deep fantasy sleeper" and B)failed to convince the jury in the slightest. Pending the appeals process, he'll be serving 14 years, which means he'll still be 2 years younger than Julio Franco is now when he gets out, and thus be likely to sign with the Mets.