Cavs Trade for Shaq

And we've got a sneak preview of what the Cleveland offense will look like when they put The Big Aristotle and Big Z Ilgauskas on the floor at the same time. That's not Mothra on the right, that's Moe Williams cutting to the basket.

And Another Thing...

"Stupid San Diego Padres! Get offa my lawn!"

Listening to Peter Pascarelli on ESPN's baseball podcast, one gets the unshakable impression that he is busily filling his house with balloons so he can bid farewell to Bristol, once and for all.

Late Night Tidbits

• After reading the teaser for Rick Reilly's latest column, I can assure him: I don't hate Kobe. I hate Rick Reilly columns.
• Tony LaRussa's cries for another bat for the Cardinals would seem to make sense until you realize that he's got two 30-homer guys on his roster, not to mention a preseason RoY candidate center fielder, whom he's sitting half the time. LaRussa's outfield usage patterns have long since started to resemble the mixed drinks you get at frathouse golf parties; someone thinks they're being very clever by using whatever's on hand, but the result is rarely optimal. If he were less interested in appearing the genius by playing matchups with obscure Stahovinoids, he'd put Ludwick in left, Rasmus in center, and Ankiel in right, and leave them there so they could get regular at-bats and thus start hitting.
• History will regard this year's NBA finals as a somewhat boring beatdown, but if the Magic had made 2 more free throws, the series would be headed back to LA with the Magic up 3 games to 2. This, kids, is why you practice free throws.
• I completely agree with LZ Granderson that tagging Dwight Howard as "Wonder Woman" after the finals is equal parts sexist and stupid. After all, all comics geeks know that Wonder Woman is fully capable of some serious ass-kicking. May I recommend instead Bizarro?
• Just to be clear, the blogger who started the Raul Ibanez kerfuffle did not say "I think Raul Ibanez is on steroids." He said, "Given the evidence, people are going to wonder if he's on steroids." This, naturally got ignored in all the subsequent insanity, but it did place the mainstream media types in an interesting place: they love insinuating guys use steroids (see Baker, Geoff; Reilly, Rick; Roberts, Selena; and the beat goes on) but hate bloggers. Oh, the dilemma! Oh, the geshrying! Naturally, they came down on the side of "hate bloggers"...and then went chasing the Sammy Sosa story.
• Interesting how the Sosa thing gets leaked now, incidentally. I'm starting to get the feeling someone with access to those 2003 test results is on Roger Goodell's payroll.
• Memo to the people bitching over how much Stephen Strasburg might get: RELAX. IT'S NOT YOUR MONEY. It's the team's, and it's no skin off your back if they decide to pay him $50M over six years. That's revenue sharing money they're spending, anyway. Talent should be worth what it can get. Period. Last time I checked, that was called the free market. There's already an artificial restraint of trade in the form of the draft; why should the teams be the only ones to leverage the draft to their financial advantage?
  
• Nice to see the added coverage given the MLB draft this year, even if it was largely Strasburg-driven. There's also a lot more coverage of the College World Series, which ESPN has started pushing hard. One wonders if they're positioning it as a hedge against the MLB network...
  

Memo the Guy Who Writes Ad Text For VYPE

The local sports-talk stations are inundated with adds for VYPE SPORTS MAGAZINE, the guide to the life and lifestyle of today's high school athlete!

For the record, there is a form of address used for people my age who show too much interest in the life and lifestyle of today's high school athlete. It is "the defendant".

Rumblin Stumblin Bumblin

• There are few more unlikely terms in sports than "Ryan Howard triples to left."
• Reason #2456 that front office types should not be allowed near microphones: Vinny Cerrato talking about how Jason Campbell "exuberates" his leadership.
• With the growing interest in the MLB amateur draft, how long is it before Keith Law is forced by ESPN to adopt Mel Kiper Jr's hairstyle?
• When they have to tell you how big an upset it is, it's not that big an upset. Sorry, Rafael Nadal.
• Lakers in six. They'll take the first two, lose game 3, take game 4, lose 5 on a gutsy effort by the desperate Magic, and then blow out the completely gassed Magic in Game Six.
• Meanwhile, Shaq will be openly rooting for a meteor to hit the arena midway through the second quarter of game five.
• Memo to ESPN.com - I can recycle old Rick Reilly columns at the fraction of the cost of having the real Rick Reilly do it. Plus, I actually like sports.

Favre and Away

The Minnesota Vikins chasing Brett Favre is the rough equivalent of the bassoon player in the high school band finally getting his chance to hook up with the prom queen at their 30th reunion. Except, of course, that the prom queen is now a chain-smoking, twice-divorced cougar with a bit of a drinking problem and a voice like Abe Vigoda.

Ramirez Tests Positive for PEDs

Is this a case of Manny just being Barry?

Harry Kalas, R.I.P.

When I was a kid, there was a clock radio that I kept next to my bed. It was set to KYW, the station that broadcast Phillies games. The rest of the time, it was all-news, all the time, but that didn't matter. It was only on for Phillies games.

That clock radio fit under my pillow. I know this, because there were many, many summer nights when that's where it went, stuffed underneath with the volume up just enough that I could hear it, turned down low enough that my parents wouldn't hear me listening. And I'd listen to Richie Ashburn and Chris Wheeler and Andy Musser, and most of all, to Harry Kalas calling the games, all summer long. They were my lullaby. I'd stay up late to listen to them, fall asleep hearing the description of that three-two pitch, struggle to keep my eyes open long enough to get some of those late games at San Diego or LA.

There were good years, Schmidt and Carlton and Garry Maddox out in centerfield. There were the dirtball miracles of '83 and '93, and the horrible teams of the Chris James/Glenn Wilson/Steve Jeltz years. There was John Denny, and there was Floyd Youmans. There was Steve "Bedrock" Bedrosian, and there was Joe "The Saver" Boever. And Harry called them all, always fair but always a fan, always the voice that meant "Phillies".

Some of the words will resonate longer than others. "Outta here", of course, and that deliberate, affectionate "Michael Jack Schmidt." If you're a fan, you'll remember "Swing...and a long drive" or "It's gotta chance!" or that deliberate, looping "Swing and a miss, he struck 'em out", which looks like nothing on the page but meant everything on the ear. We'll probably be hearing a lot of that last World Series call over the next couple of days, a lot of Mike Schmidt's 500th home run and that home run call in general. And that's fine, and wonderful, and a great way to remember him.

But I'll remember listening to Bruce Ruffin dismember the Padres in a nothing game, right after he was called up and everyone thought he might be the second coming of Carlton. I'll remember that magical 1980 season, and hearing about balls clanking off Charlie Hayes' glove. And I'll remember these last couple of years, when the internet let me pick up the Phillies' home radio feed, and I could hear that voice again, and felt, for an inning or two, like I was still that kid hugging a clock radio under his pillow.

So goodbye, Harry the K, and thank you. You gave us something wonderful, and even us Phillies fans - rough, tough, cranky, nasty Phillies fans - loved you for it. Godspeed, and here's hoping that wherever you are, there's baseball.

WBC

So there are people who love it because it beats the hell out of split-squad B-games from Bradenton. There are people who love it because of the whole national pride thing. There are people who hate it for precisely the same reason, or who decry it for being a pointless exhibition/money grab, or whatever.

I think, largely, they're missing the point.

For me, the WBC is really the spiritual heir to the old barnstorming tours that Gehrig and Ruth used to take their teams on, occasionally bouncing off Satchel Paige and squads of Negro League All-Stars or local all-star teams or whatever. Play "what if", put a couple of lineups born out of sports bar bullshit sessions - and let's face it, lots of us were playing "which country would win?" for ages before this thing got off the ground - and turn it loose.

That's all I want from it, that's all I need from it, and that's sufficient to provide me with plenty of enjoyment. I think the round system's screwy, the pitch count setup is goofy, and the pool setup's a little weird, but what the hell. It's fun to watch. After a winter without baseball, that's more than enough.

Because I Care...

...I think someone really needs to tell the guy who does the Hurricanes' radio commercials that no matter how deep and gruff your voice is, the words "Teacher Appreciation Night" just aren't imposing.

Question for NC State Fans...

You think maybe Herb wasn't the problem after all?

That Didn't Take Long...

According to ESPN, Dallas has released Terrell Owens.

I was walking through the DFW airport when news broke that the Cowboys had signed Owens. All around me, folks were stopping to look at the TV monitors, shouting "Yeah!" and high-fiving each other.

They looked at me funny when I started laughing.

Ah, Baseball

Watched this first few innings of baseball today, a frame or two of the Mets beating the living hell out of the Astros. The Astros treated the ball like it was covered in unobtainium, Clay Hensley pitched like a man possessed...by Clay Hensley, and the Mets hit two homers that cleared the waist-high fences by about twelve inches, combined.

Doesn't matter. Old friend, I've missed you.

Adam Eaton Moves On

Eaton has signed with the Orioles, and outside the Eaton household, no one cares.. Baltimore, rapidly becoming the destination of choice for broken-down pitchers who once had great promise, signed Eaton for $400K and the promise to have someone else open all of his DVDs for him.

Bowden's Gone

On behalf of my Nats-loving friend Hal, Hallalelujah.

As a baseball fan who was disgusted by watching the circus in DC, Hallelujah.

As a Phillies fan who looked forward to feasting on the Nats 18 or so times a year, I say "ah, crud."

And while Bowden may proclaim himself innocent of any and all charges related to the Dominican bonus-skimming scandal that got Jose Rijo fired, that doesn't mean he can refute the charges of being a terrible GM. Whoever takes over - LaCava, Rizzo, the resurrected Paul DePodesta (hey, a geek can dream) will almost have to do better, just because the bar has been set so low.

Weapon X Is Now A Bronco

Brian Dawkins, long a mainstay of the Eagles defense, signed a 5-year deal with Denver today, which will cause no end of friction between me and my brother-in-law, the Broncos fan.

All that being said, I don't think this will bite the Eagles too badly, for several reasons. For one, Dawkins had notably slowed this year, and while his instincts remained impeccable, his production tailed off significantly. For another, Jim Johnson's defense did a lot to emphasize Dawkins' strengths and hide his weaknesses, something that the new scheme he'll be playing in Denver may not do. And finally, if the Eagles have depth anywhere, it's at defensive back.

So farewell, Weapon X, and thanks for the memories. Good luck in Denver - I think you're going to need it.

I Guess The New Coach Hates Country...

"Coach wants to see you. Bring your playbooks. And your moustaches."

Brooks, Dunn released by Tampa Bay...

Lerner's Permit

I used to play fantasy baseball with a guy a lot like Jim Bowden. He was great to have in the league, in large part because he was about as willing a trade partner as you could find this side of the East India Company. He traded and churned his roster incessantly, and if you entered into negotiations with him, all you had to do was wait him out because sooner or later he'd propose a combination that you could live with.

This made for some interesting deals, but not a lot of upper-division finishes, and for the longest time I couldn't understand why he played the way he did. Then, finally, I figured it out.

He wasn't interested in winning. He was interested in looking smart. Every deal, every transaction was a chance to show off how clever he was. The macro didn't matter, and he was incapable of cohering his various moves into a long-term strategy. But each trade he made, he had to "win", and let you know he'd won, and have people tell him how clever he'd been.

That's Jim Bowden. He's completely failed to put together a team. He's made some good trades and interesting signings, but they don't fit together, and he's failed to deal from strength or address weaknesses. But each of those individual deals - for Milledge and Dukes and Willingham and whoever - is clever, right? Each of them by itself was a pretty good move.

As for the Dominican bonus scandal, well, that sounds like a guy trying to be too clever, too. The money, ultimately, couldn't have been the real incentive, not with the money that's floating around for successful GMs these days. No, it had to be the feeling of getting away with something, with getting one over on the system. Was it conducive to building a good team? No, but that's tomorrow's problem. Today was all about getting away with it.

He's probably not going to be getting away with it any more. There aren't going to be many more of those momentary victories. And the franchise he was entrusted with will be, at the end of the day, not very good as a result of all of his efforts.

Here's hoping the Lerners do the right thing, for their business' sake. Get rid of Bowden - his track record certainly mandates it. Let someone new come in to clean up the mess. Someone dedicated to teambuilding. Someone who can plan long-term. Someone who, at the end of the day, doesn't constantly need to be told he's clever.

In Other News...

...Brett Favre has not yet announced his unretirement.

The clock, however, is ticking.

Uncool kid

Alex Rodriguez' real problem isn't PEDs. It's that he isn't cool. The cool kids get away with this stuff. Think about Jason Giambi, all golden thongs and tats and almost-confessions that let us pretend he's come clean so we can love him again. But the uncool kids - the jerks like Bonds and the bullies like Clemens and the sanctimonious teachers' pets like Raffy Palmiero - they don't get away with it. In the court of public opinion, ultimately they're tried for being uncool, and that's when they really get hammered.

So consider A-Rod. When he came up with the Mariners, he was the overachieving nerd, the gawky, hyper-talented kid on a team that already had its smiling, beloved face in Ken Griffey, Jr. He wasn't cool; Griffey sucked up most of the cool in the room, and what was left went to the glowering but personable Randy Johnson. A-Rod was the grind, the kid all the cool kids went to for help with their homework. Big Unit racked up strikeouts, Junior leapt over the wall to take away homers, and A-Rod was the baseball equivalent of the study-hound, quietly excelling in the shadow of the more popular kids.

When his free agency rolled around, that was the defining moment for Rodriguez' coolness. He could have established himself as cool if he'd stayed in Seattle, pledged his loyalty to one team and let the narrative be written for him. Loyal player, wants to win with the team that signed him, blah blah blah - the writers would have made him a hero. Or, if he'd signed with the Cubs, or the Yankees, or the Red Sox - one of the grand old "tradition" franchises - that would have been a story, and potentially could have cemented him as a Schilling-esque "student of the game".

But no, he chased the dollars down in Texas, forever branding himself the two-faced greedhead who lied about wanting to stay in Seattle while going for the big bucks. Never mind that's what me or thee might do - getting paid epic gobs of money to move to a more favorable work environment? Where do I sign? - it was an uncool thing to do. The contract made him an easy target, but the die had been cast. He was all about the money, and visible greed, without lip service to tradition or loyalty or "the chance to win" is uncool.

The botched trade to the Red Sox and the subsequent arrival in New York? More of the same. Never mind that he was willing to take less scratch to go to Boston; that didn't fit the narrative, so it got ignored. Instead, it was all about not caring which "side" in the rivalry he landed on, and then, the worst thing possible:

Landing in New York, playing the same position as Captain Jetes.

Derek Jeter, you see, is cool. Really cool. And he did exactly what the cool kids have been doing to the uncool kids since time immemorial - he picked on A-Rod. Forced him to acknowledge Jeter's dominance, sandbagged him in the media, withheld support at key moments, and made it clear that nobody else was supposed to like A-Rod either.

It didn't help that A-Rod wanted to be cool, which meant wanting Jeter to like him - a sucker bet if ever there were one. He agreed to slide to third base, despite the fact that he was the superior defender at short, but got no credit for the move - or for improving Jeter's defense. And he waited for Jeter to come to his defense over the post-season nonsense when it was never in Jeter's interest to do so. After all, making A-Rod cool would have diminished Jeter's own standing as the coolest kid in school, the queen bee of the Yankee scene's mean girls.

And yet, Rodriguez kept trying, as if he wanted to be cool but didn't know how. Dating Madonna? That's cool, right. Well, it might have been when Jose Canseco did it, but Madonna's coolness factor has long since passed its sell-by date. But it's what Madonna stood for that Rodriguez was after, anyway, the trophy that signified he'd made it past the velvet rope into a place that neither his money nor his stats could ever get him. It's sad to watch. Behind every over-calculated move is one eternally burning question: "Will this get people to like me?"

The answer, for now and always, is no.