On Anthony Davis' Inevitable Path to LA

Cutting to the chase, it is clear that Anthony Davis wants to play for the Lakers, his agent Rich Paul wants him to play for the Lakers, franchise eminence grise LeBron James wants him to play for the Lakers and Lakers President Magic Johnson wants him to play for the Lakers. Which is fine, except that Davis currently plays for the Pelicans and would have to be traded to the Lakers in order to suit up for them. Various trade offers have already been bruited about, with names like Lonzo Ball, Kyle Kuzma, Josh Hart, Brandon Ingram, and the expiring contract named Kentavious Caldwell-Pope.
There's just one problem with a haul like that. As has been amply demonstrated in LeBron James' injury-induced absence, those guys aren't any good at winning basketball games. If the Pelicans are going to ship out their generational talent and restock, they simply have to get more back than the guys who couldn't get it done without LeBron.

A Conversation With An NBA Draft Lottery Conspiracy Nut

There's no possible way the Sixers screw up the #1 overall pick, right? Right?

Sportsthodoxy: So you're saying the NBA Draft Lottery is rigged?

Conspiracy Nut: Absolutely. That's how Philadelphia got the first pick.

S: But if it really was rigged, wouldn't it have been rigged in favor of LA?

CN: That's the beauty of it. LA got the second pick for the second year in a row, and there's no way that's coincidence. Also, Philadelphia's being run by the Colangelos, who do what the league tells them to do. So they'll take Brandon Ingram with the first pick claiming "fit" and then the Lakers will get Ben Simmons, who's the one real potential superstar in this draft, and the league wants a superstar in LA to replace Kobe, who just retired. It's perfect.

S: I thought the draft was rigged because Philadelphia got the first pick?

CN: Absolutely. That's the team's reward for firing Sam Hinkie as GM and installing the Colangelos, who are league favorites. They even hired the guy who was #2 in the league offices. Don't think that's a coincidence.

S: But how can it be rigged for LA and Philadelphia?

CN: We're talking about Philadelphia, right? The team with TV ratings so low Galavant re-runs looked down on them and laughed? They had to give that team something to get fans interested again, and the #1 pick is marketable. New beginnings and all that. Besides, this is the first draft in years when they can't mess it up by drafting another center.

S: Well, they kept drafting centers because they kept drafting at #3 and centers were the best players available...

CN: Why do you think they were always drafting third even when they were that bad? It was the league punishing Sam Hinkie for tanking. 

S: So they punished him by making it easier for the Sixers to tank?

CN: Not the point. Speaking of centers, you want more proof the draft was rigged, there's Dikembe Mutombo. Dude tweets out the Sixers have won the lottery four hours before it happens. If it's not rigged, explain that.

S: So of all the people the NBA is going to let know the draft is rigged, the guy who played a couple of seasons at center for the Sixers fifteen years ago is at the top of the list?

CN: Hey, he tweeted it, not me. 

S: But the NBA had reporters in the room when they pulled the numbers and the accounting firm of Ernst & Young oversees the whole thing.

CN: You mean like they oversaw the economy in 2007? Or bond ratings? Yeah, real secure there. I'm telling you, it was rigged. Besides, the way the lottery works now, with the number combinations and stuff, it's way too confusing. They did that so ordinary fans couldn't follow it and they could say the results were whatever they wanted, you see?

S: They switched to this model after the old model with ping pong balls with team logos was accused of being rigged in favor of the Knicks in 1985.

CN: See? It's been rigged all along!

Dear NBA

Please, for the love that is all that is good in this world, stop trying to make a story out of Spurs-Lakers. The Spurs were one of the best teams in the NBA this year, not that anyone noticed. The Lakers fired their coach, scuffled, and led the league only in "number of appearances as lead story on SportsCenter". The Spurs are largely healthy. The Lakers, missing Kobe Bryant and generally running a roster out there more suited to a Flomax commercial than running the floor, aren't. The Spurs have their best player on the floor. The Lakers don't.
And while I realize it is your job to drum up interest in what is honestly a not-terribly-interesting matchup, and while I realize that "the Lakers were hot, even without Kobe!" and "the Spurs slumped going into the playoffs!" can be seen, if you squint hard enough, to look vaguely like a chance for an L.A. upset, we all know better.
Kobe's done for the year, maybe forever. The Lakers are done, too. And if you spent a little time getting the casual fan base interested in any team other than L.A. or Miami, maybe you could feel comfortable talking to us about one of the actually interesting series going on instead.

Having Had Our Phil

Dear Phil Jackson:

Look, I know you only like coaching teams with transcendent talent already lined up and waiting for you, but wearing the Phantom half-mask and lurking in the Staples Center steam tunnels while singing "Help me fire Mike Brown Thursday Night" is a bit much. The sad truth of the matter is, Mike D'Antoni is probably a better fit for this Lakers team than you are. Yes, there's Kobe, and there's Dwight, and there's Nash and Gasol, and yes, they are remarkable players. What they are not, however, are any combination of young, healthy, or suited to run the triangle offense. D'Antoni's offense, as frenetic as it is, matches Steve Nash's skill set and tendencies a lot better than trying to force him into the triangle. For God's sake, D'Antoni made Jeremy Lin look like a world-beater. You nailed Steve Kerr's feet to the three point line.
And there's one other thing: this team, even when it gets all its weapons back, is not going to win another championship. It's too old and too fragile, there's too much competition, and Miami's still better. So really, Phil, it's for the best. You don't reduce your legacy by going out with a team that won't bring home the basketball-onna-stick that is the O'Brien Trophy. (Bring that thing to Carolina, and we'll batter dip it and deep fry it before anyone notices). The memory of you that remains is undiminished, and when D'Antoni inevitably fails with this bunch (though he will make it exciting, and come close, and fill seats), you can nod your bearded head sagely, and let reporters tell you they should have hired you instead, and gently disengage the metaphorical parking brake on the bus(s) as it rolls downhill toward D'Antoni.