Saturday, June 22, 2013

A Short Pop Quiz on the NBA Finals

1: True or False - After the buzzer sounded on Game 7, LeBron James was physically lifted into Heaven by a host of angels with fiery swords and Miami Heat "White Hot" branded merchandise?

2: The Spurs lost because:

A) NBA Commissioner David Stern fixed the series so that his incredibly marketable stars from Miami would beat his incredibly marketable stars from San Antonio
B) NBA Commissioner David Stern fixed the series because Spurs coach Greg Popovich once game him an atomic wedgie.
C) NBA Commissioner David Stern fixed the series because that's what it took to get LeBron to stop wearing that stupid headband.
D) Manu Ginobili looked in the mirror, realized he looked like a middle school gym teacher, and started playing like one as a result.

3: Rumor says that this offseason the Heat are going to blow up their roster and ditch Chris Bosh because:
A) "Chris Bosh" is actually Swedish for "Ringo Starr".
B) Considering how many touches D-Wade and Lebron need per game, they can pay someone a lot less than $19.1M to stand around on the court and not touch the ball.
C) Burn Notice is in its last season, and who wants to stick around Miami after Michael, Sam, and Fiona are gone?

4: This is probably the last time we will see Tim Duncan in an NBA Finals because:
A) It's highly unlikely the Thunder, Grizzlies, Clippers and Warriors will all spontaneously combust in the first two rounds again.
B) Manu Ginobili will find a way to implode in the playoffs much earlier next year.
C) Duncan is actually 354 years old.

5: Once-beleaguered Heat coach Erik Spoelstra is able to wrangle such a star-studded roster because:
A) He's actually an elf and uses his magical powers on the team
B) He's actually an elf and none of the players want to risk pissing off Santa, except Chris "Birdman" Andersen, who just got someone to tattoo his nose with the words "Santa Can Bite Me"
C) He's a very good coach, which the news reports around the team seem to have consistently overlooked.
C) He's actually Yoda.

6: LeBron James has finally put all of the questions about his "legacy" to rest:
A) Not as long as Skip Bayless is alive (and Tim Tebow hasn't done anything that day)
B) Not until he brings a championship to Cleveland
C) You're kidding, right?

7: Surprise Finals hero Danny Green will:
A) Who?
B) Wait, you mean the guy we were talking about after Game 5?
C) Whatever happened to him, anyway?

8: Spurs coach Greg Popovich is the best interview in the NBA because:
A) There is something refreshing about utter contempt for the league-mandated process.
B) He has had a decade and a half to prepare answers for the same stupid questions he keeps getting asked over and over
C) Really? That's your question?
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