Things My Fantasy Baseball Guide Does Not Need To Teach Me

1. Drafting too many players without proven track records is bad.
2. Making moves during the season is essential to winning.
3. Guys who have secure jobs going into the season are better than guys who don't.
4. All things being equal, you don't want the hitter from San Diego.
5. All things being equal, you don't want the pitcher from Colorado.
6. Moises Alou may be an injury risk.
7. Prince Fielder is a large man.
8. Now that A.J. Burnett has a new contract, he's probably not going to perform as well.
9. Guys who play first base probably aren't going to steal a lot of bases.
10. Closers become available during the season.
11. Some guys who go undrafted will probably put up big numbers.
12. Some guys who get drafted early will probably stink.
13. Albert Pujols is god.

Also, for the love of God, people, please stop putting your inane mock drafts in your publications? No one, and I repeat, no one wants to listen to anyone else talk about their fantasy baseball drafts. What in the world makes you think I want to pay for the privilege? The fact that precisely half of these "expert-drafted" teams are, by definition, below average means that you're sandbagging the authority of any advice those people might be giving in your publication.

Screw it. Where's Tuffy Rhodes when you need him?