Things We Know About the NBA

They were never going to suspend Draymond Green for kicking Stephen Adams (himself, a renowned cheap shot artist) right in his Oklahoma City Thunder, for the simple reason that stars don't get suspended because people want to see stars. You can make all the noise you want about the NBA not wanting a suspension to decide the series, etc. etc. but the simple matter is that a guy on Green's level won't get suspended for anything short of attempted murder. A guy on LeBron's level probably wouldn't get suspended even then. And if Kevin Love tried it, he'd probably hurt himself in the process.

Confession: I Am Fascinated By The 76ers

I swear, I don't know how I got on this court with professional basketball players!

The Philadelphia 76ers are awful. As they currently stand, they are a horribly constructed basketball team with an overabundance of tall men who will not play basketball for them this season, a veritable armada of D-League guys soaking up second half minutes, and nobody on the roster who can distribute the ball without tripping over it. They won 18 games last year. This year, with former top pick and potential franchise player Joel Embiid getting knocked out for another year by a broken foot and the very real possibility of JaKarr Sampson making the roster, they may be worse. 

4 Views of DeAndre Jordan

Paul Pierce Instagrammed a what?

The sports world has lost its collective mind over the recent pas de deux performed by DeAndre Jordan with the Dallas Mavericks and Los Angeles Clippers. There were hijinks, there was low comedy, there are people coming out of the woodwork to offer their hot takes on the ethical ramifications (It's NBA free agency. Ethics need not apply) and there's a whole lot of money. But the things, most people mistakenly view this as a basketball story about a guy who agreed to a deal with one team but regretted it and was talked into going back to his old one, albeit for a giant pile of smackeroonies. 

Your NBA Playoff Narratives

There are two possible outcomes of the NBA playoffs:

1-The Cleveland Cavaliers win the championship.
2-The Cleveland Cavaliers do not with the championship.

5 Reasons Philadelphia Doesn't Hate The Sixers

The national basketball media remains fascinated with the Philadelphia Experiment being carried out by GM Sam Hinkie. Largely, they're against it - in their minds, it is nobler to strive endlessly for mediocrity (with the implied "and then get out of the way for the glamour teams" that goes with it) than attempt radical reconstruction in an attempt to improve themselves. But interestingly enough, the fans in Philadelphia have largely ignored the doom-and-gloom narrative around the team, which may in fact be some kind of first. Here's five reasons that's the case:

Cleveland Redux

You remember when the Cleveland Cavaliers were, like, the worst team ever? When they were under .500 and the coach was about to get fired and the stars couldn't play together and LeBron was supposedly secretly tweeting that he wanted to go back to Miami and Kevin Love was being benched and ZOMG WORST TEAM EVER?

Nixer the Sixer

There's nothing funnier in sports right now (with the possible exception of the Atlanta Braves' stadium shenanigans) than the tsunami of outraged think pieces about how bad the Philadelphia 76ers are.

And yes, they're bad. Legendarily bad. Historically awful, if you want to be honest. The youngest team in league history, they're the result of a clearly defined strategy to tear the roster down to the foundations and rebuild by being awful and getting several years of high draft picks. So far, they've done two out of three: they've been awful and they've gotten high draft picks. The rebuild, they're still working on - this year is still firmly in the "Be awful" pile.

Wiggins For Love: Oh No No No No No No No (Yes. A Bit)

The worst-kept secret in the history of the NBA is out, namely, that the Minnesota Timberwolves are going to unload disgruntled star and Beach Boys-connected genetic freak Kevin Love to the Cleveland LeBrons in exchange for this year's #1 overall pick (Andrew Wiggins, who claimed to have no idea he was on the block), last year's #1 overall pick (Anthony Bennett, who played last year like he was auditioning to be one of Gonzo the Great's backup chickens) and a protected #1 pick in 2015. (Protected, for those of you who don't speak NBA rules jargon, means "you don't get it if we suck". With LeBron, Love, and Kyrie Irving on board, that seems unlikely.)

For various reasons, the trade can't officially be consummated until August 23rd, which marks precisely 30 days since Wiggins signed his contract with the Cavaliers. This is the rule; no trading a guy within 30 days of signing his first contract. This makes absolutely no sense, as A)you can trade the guy's rights before he signs but not after and B)if you know you're going to trade the guy, there's no reason to make him go through the charade of starting to learn your playbook, finding a place to live, etc. when it's all going to be irrelevant as soon as the calendar rolls over.

Ten Things To Be Thankful For From the LeBron James Media Frenzy

1. Endless mockery of the post-Decision letter Cavs owner Dan Gilbert put up on the team's website and which only got taken down during the wooing of LeBron. It's not the mockery that's so delicious, it's the fact that with all the insanity on display in that letter, the internet chose to focus on the fact that it was in Comic Sans. 
2. The media frenzy around LeBron James temporarily shut down the media frenzy around Johnny Manziel. To be spared endless moralizing by middle-aged men about what a fabulously rich 22 year old should be doing on his summer vacation is, in a word, priceless.

LeBron's Decision Is Wrong (Whatever It Is)

Here is the one thing we know for certain about LeBron James' next move: it will be savaged.

• If he elects to stay in Miami and gun for another championship, he'll be pilloried for staying with a past-its-prime core and taking the easy way out.
• If he elects to opt out, stay in Miami for less money in order to facilitate the acquisition of more talent so that he can take another run or three at a championship, he's buying his rings and how dare the players manipulate the system to have a better chance to win.
• If he opts out of his contract, as is his right (see, it's right there in the contract) and goes to LA, then he's just a publicity hound.

Ballmer Baller

The best thing possible happened for the NBA Thursday*. former Microsoft CEO and billionaire Steve Ballmer apparently won the bidding for the Los Angeles Clippers, which the league wishes extracted from the palsied, racist claw of owner Donald Sterling, with an all-cash offer of roughly $2B dollars. Sterling, who has the chutzpah to demand the league pay his capital gains tax on an investment that went from $13M to $2B, makes out like a bandit, in that he will still clear somewhere north of a billion dollars when this is all over.

For the Clippers. The team that could not live without Michael Olowokandi. Let that sink in for a minute.

Great Moments In Mood-Swinging Sports Journalism

And this is why I love NBA journalism:

Before game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals:

"The Pacers are terrible. They're going to get run right out of the gym. I don't know why the Heat even have to bother playing the games. Also, Pacers coach Frank Voepel is a dummy, and Heat coach Erik Spoelstra is a genius."

Your Handy Dandy Guide to Donald Sterling's First Amendment Rights

And here's a reminder for all you budding constitutional law scholars out there:

Donald Sterling's banishment from the NBA is not a First Amendment issue. Mr. Sterling is not being prosecuted by any government agency for his words, as ill-chosen, hateful, embarrassing or stupid as they might have been. He is free to say as many dumb-ass racist things as he'd like, without fear that they will land him in jail. Ergo, his First Amendment rights are not being infringed.

Facts In The Case Concerning D. Sterling

So.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, staring down the barrel of a playoff boycott, pulled the trigger on Clippers owner and inveterate dirtbag of long standing Donald Sterling. Eager to lap the punishment MLB laid on Marge Schott back in the day, Silver has fined Sterling $2.5M (pocket change to a guy worth 1.9 billion or so), suspended him permanently, and announced plans to force Sterling to sell the team. It's clear, it's clean, and it's a win for those of us who prefer our sports without overt and gnarly racism of the sort Sterling has been spouting for years. Never mind that, as Dave D'Alessandro pointed out, Sterling is hardly the only charmer among NBA owners, or that the NBA has for years been aware of exactly what sort of creature Sterling is and chose to hold its collective nose and do business with him as part of the cartel anyway. Bomani Jones has already laid down the best word on that subject.

On Why The Draft Wheel Is A Very Bad Idea

As we thunder down the homestretch of the NBA season, the grim specter of "tanking" has rarely been more visible. The Philadelphia 76ers, who traded away pretty much every veteran with a pulse for spare parts and 2nd round draft picks (and then released or bought out those spare parts) have lost roughly 57 games in a row and are so bad that they're literally falling down on the court. They are doing this - the trading, not the falling down - in the interest of getting their hands on as many ping pong balls in the draft lottery as possible, in hopes of adding a superstar through the draft to match with this year's haul of Michael Carter-Williams and Nerlens Noel.

Whose House? Arne Duncan's House

If you are a national sports talk radio host and you are filling a segment - or multiple segments - with an extended kvetch over how the "celebrities" at the NBA All Star Weekend Celebrity Basketball Game aren't big enough celebrities for you to truly appreciate the event, your employers (who are in the entertainment business and thus presumably know something about how this whole celebrity thing works) may want to take a second look at your qualifications.

They Booed Bynum

They booed Andrew Bynum in Philly.
This is not a surprise. It is Philadelphia, after all, and while the legend of pelting Santa with snowballs has been blown out of all proportion, the fans do like to show their displeasure with enthusiasm. And Andrew Bynum is someone the formerly apathetic Sixers fanbase is mightily displeased with.

Right Now...

Somewhere, LeBron James is writing Dwight Howard a thank-you note.

Your Handy-Dandy Guide to the Trades Made At and Around the NBA Draft

The Philadelphia 76ers trade PG Jrue Holiday and a 2nd round pick to the New Orleans Pelicans for Nerlens Noel and next year's (protected) first round pick

Translation: The Sixers have decided to blow the whole thing up and start over with Noel and a couple of probable lottery picks next year. To get a good lottery pick, it helps if you don't have a lot of good players, so they ditched their best one on a them that's in a hurry to win now. When people say hopefully "build around Evan Turner and Thaddeus Young", you know you're going to have a lot of ping pong balls next year.

Great Moments In Realizing San Antonio Is Really Good (Again)

It has become increasingly clear that the dominant narrative of the upcoming NBA Finals is going to be "why don't we like San Antonio more?"

It's an old song, one we've heard before, and it's one reporters and pundits rediscover every time the Spurs make some noise in the playoffs. Basically, it goes like this: Gosh, we keep on talking about how we want teams that play fundamental ball and don't have any divas or criminals, and yet when one comes along like San Antonio, nobody wants to talk about them!"