Twenty Stories We Can Expect To See Out Of Spring Training This Year

1. Rangers suffer blow to their rotation with injury
2. Rangers suffer second blow to rotation with injury
3. Rangers petition AL to allow opposing teams to hit off a tee this year
4. Phillies really, really, really swear they don't have to trade Cole Hamels if they don't want to
5. New York Post claims Alex Rodriguez once ate a baby
6. Idiot player who claims that statistics are worthless hits .163 in spring training, is demoted to minors
7. Member of Houston Astros mistaken for teenager, is denied admittance to clubhouse before game
8. Member of Oakland A's mistaken for beer vendor, is denied admittance to clubhouse before game
9. Member of Philadelphia Phillies mistaken for senior citizen, given discount rate ticket but is denied admittance to clubhouse before game
10. Mets player boldly predicts playoff spot for team this year.
11. Mets player suspended for use of hallucinogens
12. Cubs fan swears he's not getting his hopes up; fails lie detector test immediately afterwards
13. Fan contest to name 5 members of Rays lineup produces no winners
14. Rays front office contest to name 5 members of Rays lineup also produces no winners
15. Tigers' Verlander to miss 2 starts after injuring himself frantically looking for "NSFW easter eggs" in Game of War
16. Cardinals GM Mozeliak gives annual hugs, reassurances that they are the best fans in baseball to season ticket holders
17. Giants play cardboard standee of Pablo Sandoval at 3B, decide it's their best option
18. Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy writes annual "The Red Sox suck and we should stop rooting for them now" piece three weeks before opening day.
19. Everyone somehow forgets to report on the Blue Jays
20. Royals ban use of word "regression" from their clubhouse