Memos

To: JaMarcus Russell
Re: Contract Negotiations
There are very few professions where you're likely to get paid umpty-zillion dollars right out of college. Might I suggest signing, and hiring a good investment banker? The other options are looking a lot less lucrative - ask Matt Bush.

To: The Oakland Raiders
Re: Contract Negotiations
Yes, you already have 3 quarterbacks on your roster, but none of them are any good. May I suggest signing the one guy you've drafted who might someday make a difference and sell a few tickets on your behalf?

To: Rick Ankiel
Re: HGH
Stop hitting home runs before you get to the 70s in a single season, and as far as the media goes, you'll be fine.

To: Lloyd Carr
Re: Job Security
I hear western North Carolina is lovely this time of year.

To: Joey Harrington
Re: The Georgia Lottery
May I suggest playing the Pick Six tonight? You seem to be on a roll with that.

To: Michael Vick
Re: Contrition
After seven years, it's no longer a "mistake" or a "bad decision". It's a lifestyle and a multi-state business operation with an extensive physical plant. Just so we're all clear on that one.

To: Sportswriters
Re: Michael Vick
When he inevitably comes back - and he will be back - can you get all of the Steve Howe comparisons out of the way in the first couple of weeks? Thanks.

To: Alex Rodriguez
Re: True Yankee Status
You still haven't got it, you know, and you won't until a Yankee team you lead wins the World Series - at which point all of the credit will go to Derek Jeter, anyway. But if you leave after this season, you'll be pilloried for it.

To: Derek Jeter
Re: Alex Rodriguez
You are aware that when he picks up and leaves after the season, your defensive metrics are going right back into the crapper, right? Just checking.

To: Yankee Fans
Re: Alex Rodriguez
Enjoy him while you've got him, because it won't be for much longer.

To: Billy Beane
Re: Undervalued areas
The rest of the league seems to have caught up to you in terms of OBP and defense. May I suggest looking at "health" as the next undervalued area you invest in? Your team's training staff clearly is not getting it done.

To: Auburn
Re: South Florida
Yes, it counts as a directional school. The "it has the fifth largest campus in the country" excuses should start shortly, however.

To: Pirates Fans
Re: Dave Littlefield
See? There is a God. He's just not real good with deadlines.