Monday, January 21, 2013

The Sportsthodoxy Guide To The Coachin' Harbaughs

Now that the matchup is set for the Super Bowl (We're not monetizing this thing, so we're going to say "Super Bowl" all we want instead of, say, "The Big Game" or "The Uper-Say Owl-Bay" or whatever the NFL's lawyers insist on) it has become clear that the major storyline for the game will be Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh. Having the two coaches of the two Super Bowl participants be brothers offers an unprecedented opportunity to beat the topic of fraternal competition to death, and we look forward to the full weight of Fox, ESPN, Sports Illustrated and others being turned to pumping a glorified, billion dollar version of "Mom liked me better!"

With that in mind, here's your quick guide to telling the two coaching brothers apart so that in the weeks to come, you can have a better grasp on which one of them you think is being overexposed at any given moment:




Jim Harbaugh
John Harbaugh
Best known for winning...
At Stanford
The loyalty of Ray Lewis
Coaches...
San Francisco 49ers
Baltimore Ravens
Has a star player who...
Is named Frank Gore
Might have once been drenched in gore
Lost last year’s conference championship game because...
He kept sending a kick returner with a concussion out onto the field
Forgot that special teams are actually part of the game
Played..
Quarterback in the NFL for over a decade, though not very well
Defensive back for the U. Yes, it was a shock to us, too.
Got his coaching break from...
Dad, and don’t think he’s ever going to hear the end of it
Andy Reid
Run in with authority...
DUI arrest in 2005
Once bumped a ref and got fined for it
Is going to win the Super Bowl because...
His head will explode during a sideline tantrum if he doesn’t
Ray Lewis has said that God wants him to. And even God is afraid of Ray Lewis






Sunday, January 20, 2013

Stan Musial, R.I.P.

We do a lot of snark here about sports, and a lot of it is justified. Consider the outrageous sums of public money spent to maintain college and professional sports programs, the ridiculous behaviors of those engaged in the games as participants, management or media, and the general whackadoodle behaviors of us fan types, the field of sports is what you'd call a target-rich environment. There is so much bad faith, bad business, bad behavior and bad thought going around that there's material everywhere you turn.

So much so, really, that it's possible to lose track of the reasons we actually like this stuff. And there are reasons, good ones - the shared experience of watching your team succeed or fail, magnificent feats of athletic prowess and will, and occasionally, the transcendence of an individual athlete whose performance and behavior are both beyond reproach.

Stan Musial was one of those guys. Remarkable on the field - 24-time All Star, 3630 hits, .559 career slugging percentage, 475 home runs, you name it - he was by all accounts, as remarkable off it. "Everyone I know in St. Louis has a ball signed by Stan" said Hardball Talk's Drew Silva. Story after story about him cheerfully signing autographs for all who asked, not for profit but because he knew it meant something to those asking. 71 years of by what all accounts was a happy marriage to the same woman. His well-known penchant for unleashing his harmonica skills at the drop of a hat. His ability to bring people together, as witnessed by the crowds gathered to pay tribute at his statue last night.

God knows, there are bigger problems in the world. There are people dying every day whose nobility should be noted, whose contributions should have been shouted from the rooftops. But that does not change the fact that, within the rather narrow purviews of this blog, Stan the Man was one of the greats, and his was a life well worth celebrating.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Earl Weaver, R.I.P.

I got into baseball in the late 70s, a time that can best be described as the Golden Age of cantankerous, aging managers. In Los Angeles you had Tony Lasorda, who had not descended into self-parody. Cincinnati had Sparky Anderson. Pittsburgh, you had Chuck Tanner - geniuses all, or so it seemed to a kid who got to watch the dugout antics of Danny Ozark on a regular basis.
And in Baltimore, you had the best of them all, Earl Weaver, the philosopher-king who'd hold press conferences in the nude, get prescriptions exclusively from Doctor Longball, unleash Brother Low on the world, and legendarily if apocryphally blister fellow Cheltenham alumnus Reggie Jackson into silence with a brutal, relentless application of logic.
He passed away today on an Orioles-themed cruise. The official report says that he died of a heart attack. A tiny part of me would like to believe that it was provoked by a cap-tossing, dirt-kicking tirade against the umpire of the shipboard shuffleboard tournament, that seeming to be the most appropriate way for him to go. The rest of me is just sad he's gone.
Bye, Earl. Nine-year-old me says thank you for the memories. Godspeed, and rest in peace.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Negotiation, Loria Style

Today is the day MLB teams and arbitration-eligible players have to submit their salary arbitration figures. Most cases never come to arbitration, and really, neither side generally wants to go there. The teams don't want to tear down their players whom they need to perform, the players don't want to get into a fight with their bosses, and agents don't want their clients to hear their shortcomings in gruesome detail. So, most times, players and teams get it done.

Then there's the Marlins. They have one arbitration-eligible player this year, relief pitcher Ryan Webb. He is expected, based on performance and service time, to wind up around $900K. And, according to inside sources, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that the Marlins opened the negotiating process with the line "Have you ever seen a crisp fifty dollar bill?"

Conference Championships Linkfest

It's hard to come up with something to say about this weekend's NFL conference championships that hasn't already been said by better minds. Here are some of those better minds:

  • Mike Tanier at Sports on Earth -- "In the second half, [Falcons defensive coordinator Mike] Nolan became the Anti-[Dom] Capers. Instead of ignoring the read-option, he ignored everything else."
  • Andy Benoit at Football Outsiders -- "This brings us back to the Patriots’ rapid no-huddle. It’s the main force behind their ground game’s success –- especially in scoring position. A more-prepared Ravens defense might be able to respond to it schematically this time around, but what about physically? This is an older, banged-up defense that’s on the road for a second straight week and is coming off an exhausting double-overtime thriller. Will they have the stamina to handle New England’s tempo and high volume of plays?"
  • Gregg Easterbrook at ESPN -- "Traditionally, NFL coaches look down on college tactics as not super-sophisticated like pro tactics. Gaining 579 yards on offense seems pretty sophisticated. Where's my varsity sweater?"

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Fantasy; Sports

With the recent revelation that all-universe Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o's dead Internet/Californian girlfriend never actually existed, we thought we'd take a minute to unveil five other sports figures who are in fact imaginary.

#1 Bill Belichick's fashion consultant. Enough said.

#2 Jon Heyman's fact checker.  Jon Heyman's story pushing Jack Morris for the Hall of Fame had some factual discrepancies.  To say the least.  A non-imaginary fact-checker wouldn't have let this stuff get past him.

#3 Brock Osweiler.  This phantom is listed on the Denver Broncos' roster as the backup to quarterback Peyton Manning. I see no reason to believe that he exists. They could have photoshopped an image together of him for the media guide. He has essentially no stats: 2-4 for 12 yards in a Week 4 blowout against Oakland? Did that game even actually happen?  Of course, that's three years of productivity for Tim Tebow, who is decidedly, disappointingly non-imaginary.

#4 The research and, y'know, REPORTING departments of NBC, ESPN, CBS, SI, and Fox Sports, all of whom let a freakin' Nick Denton website do the actual research that led to the revelation that Te'o's imaginary dead girlfriend had never existed.  Come on, guys.  I realize that you have very little incentive to discover actual facts, but please, do better.

#5 Gisele Bundchen.  You have to admit she's a fantasy of some kind.

Honorable mention: The one imaginary person who was surprised by the revelation that Lance Armstrong had doped; the person in charge of good taste at the NRA; the person willing to say 'no' to George Lucas.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Sportsthodoxy Guide to Statheads and the Tea Party

Recently, noted bow-tie enthusiast Ken Rosenthal compared the baseball stathead community to the Tea Party, implying that they had gotten so vociferous and unyielding in their debates over the Hall of Fame that they'd shut all possibility consensus down. Whether that argument holds true or not - there's something to be said about the you-damn-kids-get-off-my-lawn vitriol heaved by the Tracy Ringolsbys of the world as contributing to the general air of frostiness, not to mention Jon Heyman's factually inaccurate mash note to Malibu Fantasy Jack Morris, but that's neither here nor there. At Sportsthodoxy, we feel it is our duty to help you differentiate between the Tea Party and sabermetricians through this useful field guide:




The Tea Party
Baseball Statheads
Wear....
...outdated tricorn hats and wigs
...outdated t-shirts from 90s power-pop bands
Congregate...
...near hilariously misspelled protest signs
...in their parents’ basements
Prone to long-winded rants about...
...the Founding Fathers, never mind that they didn’t say half the stuff these guys say they did
...Bill James, founding father of sabermetrics, never mind that he’s working for the Red Sox
Fallback argument is...
...the Second Amendment
...WAR (because OPS+ is kludgy as hell, and WARP3 is proprietary)
Have an in-spite-of-his-meager-track-record crush on...
...Rand Paul
...Erubiel Durazo? Kila Ka’aihue? Daric Barton? Wily Mo Pena?  They're sluts, the lot of them.
Dream of...
...a smaller government
...a smaller BBWAA
Favorite flag is...
“Don’t Tread On Me”
“World Series Champions” pennant
Don’t like Jack Morris because...
...he did his best work in Detroit, which is a union town
...he wasn’t actually that great
Believe the Distributive Property is...
...a Socialist plot
...basic math
Hate government funded ballparks because...
...they’re a taxpayer financed boondoggle
...they’re a taxpayer-financed boondoggle

My God. Rosenthal is right after all.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Great Moments In Illiterate Nutbar Ex-Jock Columnists

John Rocker's latest idiocy proves precisely one thing: the only pitch he ever mastered was the screwball.

Two Conference Championship Storylines You're Tired Of Already

...and it's only Tuesday. This was going to be "Four Conference Championship Storylines You're Tired Of Already" but I just couldn't bear to watch any more SportsCenter.

Ray Lewis vs. Tom Brady: Could be worse. Could be Brady vs. Manning XIV.  That would be a sports-yak bloviation sludge tsunami that we would have to endure by clinging to a palm tree of NPR and classic-rock stations through all of drive time.  (And then hoist ourselves up onto the rescue helicopter of Big Bang Theory reruns and Cougar Town in place of SportsCenter.)
And at least this matchup, unlike quarterback vs. quarterback "matchups," includes players who might brush into one another on the playing field.
With all of that out of the way, do we need to hear again how Lewis "respects" Brady as a player and Brady "dreads" Lewis's dangerous sack-tasticity?  Ray Lewis wants to crush Tom Brady into paste on third-and-seven (and then ostentatiously pray about it). Brady wants to take advantage of Lewis's inability to cover a running back in the flat (and get back home to his supermodel wife). They both want to get to the Super Bowl and get another few million in endorsements. The game isn't about Tom vs. Ray.

Is Colin Kaepernick Football Jesus With A Chin-Beard Or What:  Judging by the outpouring of praise, we must assume that Kaepernick was the top quarterback of the weekend. Right?
Not according to Football Outsiders; according to their advanced statistics, Kaepernick was fourth, behind a different rookie -- who didn't even win his game!, an already-overexposed guy with a hot wife, and a QB whose unibrow appears in the Ravens Media Guide with the caption "really average, but we still like him."
Look, Kaepernick has great potential.  Really scary potential.  But let's not crown him Football Messiah until he's played a full season.

And now, back into the talk-radio mines. Send jerky.

Great Moments In ESPN Radio: Lance Armstrong Is Not A Famous Cyclist Edition

"Lance Armstrong is not famous because of cycling." - Mike Greenberg

Greenberg then proceeded to back this point up with the fact that he was an SI Sportsman of the Year and a folk hero because he had beaten a death sentence and gone on to compete in one of the most grueling sports in the world.

Or, as we humans put it: He was not famous because of cycling. He was famous because he was a famous athlete (whose sport was cycling) and who had beaten cancer (like many other people who were not famous cyclists and thus did not have their cancer battles publicized) in a public way (because he was famous for being a cyclist) and gone back to compete at the highest level of his sport (which happened to be cycling).


Just so that's clear.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Consistency In Action

According to ESPN's Jim Bowden, tickets are now available for the New York chapter of the BBWAA's annual dinner.

One can only hope that they will insist on steroid- and hormone-free beef for the main course.

Some Hockey Fans Wanted A Pony

Carolina is now hockey country.

I know that sounds weird. After all, it's NASCAR country, what with the sport being based out of Charlotte. And it's college basketball country, as anyone who's ever had their eardrums blown out by a Dick Vitale game call knows. It would be college football country, if any of the three local schools could manage to combine pointing themselves at the right end zone, hiring a coach who doesn't use the rule book for Kleenex, and a willingness not to run off the star quarterback to the land of dairy and badgers.

But it's hockey country, too. In seasons when the Hurricanes are even half-decent (which is to say: not lately), the local arena is the loudest in the league. Give the local fans, many of whom are transplants from up north - they don't call the town of Cary "Containment Area for Relocated Yankees" for nothing - something to cheer about, and cheer they will. Emphatically. (Also: people around here enjoy watching people clobber other people with sticks. But I digress.)

And coming into this season, there seemed to be a lot for Carolina fans to cheer about. The team made some intelligent, aggressive moves in the offseason. Their best talent was young and hungry. They'd cleverly broken their habit of recycling their old coaches - the Canes and Paul Maurice were the R-Pat and K-Stew of the NHL - and were prepared to give successful interim coach Kirk Muller the reins for a full season. Things, in short, looked bright.

Odds are, if you're reading this, you know that things didn't quite work out as planned. The lockout of the players by the owners, which wins hands-down for "dumbest labor dispute in the history of major US professional sports", knocked the season off the blocks. Sure, we're getting a 48 game speed dating round, but to be blunt, it ain't going to be the same game. Yes, the rules will be the same, but the short, crowded schedule, the newly contorted schedules, the shortened prep time the teams have and the wear and tear that players who've been playing in Europe have put on their bodies  - these all mean that the familiar, if not entirely level, playing field of an NHL season has been tilted. Whatever happens on the ice this year, it's going to be different than what would have happened if the original, full schedule had been played.

But in the midst of thinking about this, there's still room to get a good laugh. The most recent came from a discussion on local sports talker 99.9 (surnamed "The Buzz" - why are all sports radio stations "The Buzz", "The Ticket" or "The Big Hitter"? Why can't just one of them be "The Situational Left Handed Reliever Who Gets Murdered By Right Handed Batters"?) wherein it was indignantly proclaimed that all through the labor dispute, nobody thought of the fans.

This is amusing on a couple of levels, not the least of which being that 99.9 is A)owned by Capital Broadcasting, which happens to be a minority owner in the 'Canes and B)is the flagship station for the 'Canes radio network. Good on the hosts for demonstrating some independence, but c'mon. Of course the two sides thought of the fans. They thought of fans as customers. They thought of fans as revenue. They thought of fans as sources of revenue that teams might try to hide from the players' union, which nearly produced a deal-breaking setback. You get the idea.

What they didn't do was think of the fans as a sort of dewy-eyed romantic partner, working toward a solution in order to keep from having the Cam Ward jersey-wearing fanatics from sitting in their bedrooms and writing wistful Facebook entries about how much they miss hockey. Because, to be blunt, they had no reason to, and there was no benefit to either side to do so. For the owners, the threat that the fans would abandon the sport if the lockout went on too long was actually leverage - hey, players, sure we're asking you to take a pay cut, but it beats what you'd make selling cars in Kitchener. And if the fans get too mad about missing their hockey, well, there might not be any league at all.  As for the players, holding fan desires over their own professional needs would have been a suicidal negotiating position.

And that, on a basic level, was how it should have been. What the players owe the fans is good effort on the ice, particularly for the paying customers. They're not the ones who initiated the lockout; they weren't the ones sitting on season ticket money; they're under no obligation to sacrifice part of their livelihoods to people who pay for their services - and that's what a ticket or an NHL Leaguepass is, payment for entertainment services - except as doing so makes those folks more likely to ultimately continue funding their profession.

That's not what was going to happen here, nor was it what was being asked for. Fans who don't understand that the lockout was about business - hundreds of millions of dollars' worth of business - and are mad that they didn't get the goo-goo eyes as the process went along are deluded and, dare I say it, self-important.

If they're really that upset, then they'll vote with their wallets. They won't come back to games, they won't buy jerseys, they won't listen on the radio or watch on TV. And maybe some - a few - will. (Note: If you're one of the numbskulls who is still mad at the players for striking, which they did not do, the sport may in fact be better off without you) But most won't. They may stay away for a few games; they may wave protest banners from their seats; they may wait a year before renewing tickets. But baseball and football and basketball have all shown: the diehards come back. They always come back.

Which, in the grand scheme of things, is exactly why there shouldn't have been consideration of the fans in the negotiations in the first place.

Friday, January 11, 2013

2012-2013 NFL Divisional Playoff Preview

There is not much sense in my writing a playoff preview when Mike Tanier has written http://www.sportsonearth.com/article/40916150:

This year, the Broncos kept nearly everything else the same, but replaced [a 235-pound] sack of topsoil with one of the five greatest quarterbacks in NFL history.

So go read that instead. We'll be here when you get back. Arguing over which NFL head coach is most like David Hume ("screw it, let's go down to the pub").

Best? Or Just Healthiest?

It's obvious that key injuries can critically affect NFL teams (see: the 2011 Indianapolis Colts, and by extension, the 2012 Indianapolis Colts).
Despite the example of the Colts, there's always a danger of overfitting injuries to team failure. Injuries to Brandon Weeden and Colt McCoy -- serious as they are -- didn't keep the Browns out of contention by themselves (there's a whole host of things keeping the Browns out of contention, and the three biggest are the Ravens, Bengals, and Steelers).
But right on the cusp of success you can see that a team's collective health can really make a difference. Let's look at an example from the AFC. We'll compare the Steelers (8-8, 7th place in the conference, did not make the playoffs) with the Bengals (10-6, 6th place, made the playoffs).
(Stats and numbers to follow. Fair warning.)
When the Steelers went on their season-ending 2-5 skid, starting with a loss to the Ravens in Week 11, they looked like the gonorrhea ward after a political convention. They never had fewer than 10 names on their injury report (except for week 17, when they won a meaningless game against the Browns with only ("only") 6 guys limping). The Steelers played just 2 games all year with a full roster. On average through the season, the Steelers injury report had 9.5 names on it every week. That's 18% of your guys out or playing hurt.
By contrast, look at the Bengals. They averaged 8.25 guys on the injury report every week, and during their season-ending 7-1 streak never had more than 10 names on the report (and 10 names only once, in week 10). Through the season the Bengals never had more than 2 guys out, and had 7 games with nobody out.
And let's not overlook the most critical position. The Steelers were without Ben Roethlisberger for 3 full games, while Andy Dalton played every game for the Bengals.
The Pittsburgh sports intelligentsia -- by which I mean the callers to all four of Pittsburgh's drive-time sports call-in shows -- are pretty convinced that Roethlisberger wasn't anywhere near 100% when he did get back in, and the team's 1-3 record after his return suggests that they may be on to something.
Were the injuries the only difference? Of course not. The Steelers won a game for which they had 12 guys out or hurt (against the Redskins in Week 8) while the Bengals lost a game in which they only had 5 names on the injury report (against the Broncos in Week 9). But they may have made the difference in the margins here.

Your Handy-Dandy Guide To the Guys Who Failed To Get Into the Hall of Fame Yesterday, Part 2

The players we examined yesterday, by and large, got votes.

The players we will examine today, by and large, did not. But, since we don't want them to feel left out, here goes:


Who: Sandy Alomar
Hall of Fame Case: Catcher for the teams of the Cleveland Renaissance. 6-time All Star, Gold Glove and Rookie of the Year winner. Brother Roberto is in the Hall, and the Hall loves brother acts (See: Waner, Lloyd)
Why He Didnt Get In: Broke down more often than Sally Field at the Oscars. Only a handful of seasons with 400+ ABs. Spent half his career as a backup, and that’s kind of missing the point of the Hall.

Who: Julio Franco
Hall of Fame Case: Machine-like hitter who excelled in his 20s, 30s and 40s, and who probably could still hit .270 with decent pop if he thought about it. Oldest position player to do, well, everything. 5 time Silver Slugger winner. OPS+ equals Craig Biggio’s.
Why He Didnt Get In: Didn’t hit enough home runs. Hall has a strict “no ageless death-warriors from the dawn of time” policy. Nobody’s convinced he’s not going to show up at spring training somewhere and win a job.

Who: David Wells
Hall of Fame Case: Pitched a perfect game. A better big game pitcher than Jack Morris.  Won more games than Catfish Hunter or Sandy Koufax. Ate three deserving Hall of Fame candidates whole while pitching in New York.
Why He Didnt Get In: Had an ERA over 4. Sweated all over Babe Ruth’s hat.

Who: Steve Finley
Hall of Fame Case: Star-caliber center fielder who popped over 300 home runs while playing in big parks. 
Why He Didnt Get In: Played with known juicer Ken Caminiti, had suspicious late-career power surge when he’d lost bat speed and started sitting dead red every pitch. Frequently confused with Chuck Finley, earning him the ire of voters who think the last few seasons of Burn Notice have sucked asphalt through a straw.

Who: Shawn Green
Hall of Fame Case: Slugging right fielder who won a Silver Slugger and a Gold Glove. Nice Jewish boy who could totally have been something useful, like an orthodontist, instead.
Why He Didnt Get In: Was referred to as “Beavis” by his manager in Toronto. His last year as a beast was at age 29. Still has time to become an orthodontist after all. 

Who: Aaron Sele
Hall of Fame Case: Former overhyped Red Sox prospect who had a nice run around the turn of the century. Once pitched in New York
Why He Didnt Get In: Because only one idiot voted for him, thank God.

Who: Jeff Cirillo
Hall of Fame Case: High-average infielder for Brewers and Rockies. 2 time All-Star. Once hit .326 two years running.
Why He Didnt Get In: Could only hit while playing for teams whose uniforms were purple, leaving him a lot of terrible seasons playing for Seattle, San Diego, Arizona and so forth. “Most comparable” player is Joe Randa. ‘nuff said.

Who: Jeff Conine
Hall of Fame Case: Nicknamed “Mister Marlin”. Is the most popular player in the history of the franchise, which, admittedly, ain’t saying much. Was once a national racquetball champion, and no one else in the Hall of Fame can say that. Was All-Star Game MVP one year. OK, I’m stretching.
Why He Didnt Get In: Being the archetypal Marlin still means you spent most of your career as a Marlin, and it’s not like there’s been a hell of a lot of competition. 

Who: Reggie Sanders
Hall of Fame Case: Sweet-hitting, smooth-fielding outfielder predicted to be the next Eric Davis. 300+ HR, 300+ SB. Only guy to have a 20+ HR season for 6 different teams. Set record with 10 RBI in 2005 NLDS. 
Why He Didnt Get In: Injuries put enough drag on his career that he never got the counting stats he needed. Lengthy journeyman phase obscured how good he was. Looks really goofy on his Upper Deck rookie card.

Who: Royce Clayton
Hall of Fame Case: Highly touted Giants prospect who hung around for a long time. 71st all time in strikeouts. If you’re not a pitcher, this is bad.
Why He Didnt Get In: Played until he was 37 and never had a league-average season with the bat. 

Who: Roberto Hernandez
Hall of Fame Case: Possibly the archetypal ‘90s reliever - racked up a bunch of saves for one team, then bounced around for a decade afterwards. Had an ERA of 0.00 in the playoffs at age 41. Saved more games than Joe Table, which is why he’s higher on the list.
Why He Didnt Get In: Spent three years in Tampa rocking the van art-quality Devil Rays uniforms. Was rarely good enough for anyone to want to keep him around for more than a season or two. Not even interesting enough to make fun of.

Who: Ryan Klesko
Hall of Fame Case: Ginormous masher for some pretty good Atlanta Braves teams. Didn’t immediately lose all his power when he went to San Diego. Stole a bunch of bases. Better than you remember.
Why He Didnt Get In: “Better than you remember” still doesn’t necessarily add up to “pretty good”.

Who: Todd Walker
Hall of Fame Case: Superb college ballplayer at LSU. Occasionally mistaken for Larry Walker by voters who haven’t actually covered baseball since Michael Dukakis had a bright future ahead of him.
Why He Didnt Get In: Very few people actually confused him with Larry Walker

Who: Rondell White
Hall of Fame Case: Power-and-speed outfielder for the Expos in the Tim Raines mold. 
Why He Didnt Get In: Had some power and some speed, but not a lot of either. “In the mold” is a nice way of saying “not as good as”.

Who: Jose Mesa
Hall of Fame Case: 321 saves and a 2nd-place finish in the Cy Young voting one year. Kept showing up as the closer for contending teams. Had a beard that would kill a man in Reno just to watch him die. Official nickname was “Joe Table”, which was awesome. Unofficial nickname was supposedly “Wild Turkey”, after his beverage of choice, which is also awesome, but in a different way. Had legendary beef with slick-fielding hobbit Omar Vizquel.
Why He Didnt Get In: Once, while I was watching a Phillies game, the ninth inning rolled around and Mesa marched out of the bullpen. My wife, who was watching the game with me and who knew almost nothing of baseball at the time, looked at the television in horror. “Is that Joe Table? Why are they sending in Joe Table? What did the other pitcher do wrong?”
I think that sums things up nicely.


Who: Woody Williams
Hall of Fame Case: The Toy Story movies were awesome. 
Why He Didnt Get In: That’s not pitching, it’s throwing with attitude. And not very hard.

Who: Mike Stanton
Hall of Fame Case: Saved 27 games in 1993, then stuck around for another decade and a half. Played for the Yankees, Red Sox and Braves, nailing the trifecta of Most Hated Teams with rare panache. 
Why He Didnt Get In: Giancarlo-who-used-to-be-Mike, maybe. Mike, no.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Your Handy-Dandy Guide To The Guys Who Didn't Get Elected to the Hall of Fame

As you no doubt know by now, the BBWAA successfully defended the Baseball Hall of Fame from the peril of possibly having to induct someone this year, and turned away the most star-studded class of candidates since the first one without allowing a single one to gain entry. As such, we here at Sportsthodoxy feel it is our duty to explain why each and every one of these bounders, cads and miscreants (or at least the top 20 votegetters) were denied entry. To wit:


Who: Craig Biggio
Hall of Fame Case: 3000 hits, rated one of the best 2Bs of all time by Bill James, excellent slash numbers, longevity and excellence at 3 key defensive positions, first ballplayer to wear full plate mail borrowed from Medieval Times in the batter’s box
Why He Didn’t Get In: Played with known steroid user Ken Caminiti early in his career and known steroid users Andy Pettite and Roger Clemens late in his career, when they could have shot his ass full of Captain America’s Super-Soldier Serum and it wouldn’t have made a difference. Had a really disgusting hat.

Who: Jack Morris
Hall of Fame Case: Most wins of any pitcher during the 1980s, one spectacular playoff start, extended streak of Opening Day starts largely built on incriminating pictures he had of his managers, the visceral loathing for his candidacy felt by baseball statheads which encourages the old-time contingent to talk him up just to put a dull stick in the nerds’ collective eye.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Wasn’t actually that good. A small but significant portion of the HoF voters can do math. 

Who: Jeff Bagwell
Hall of Fame Case: 449 home runs, largely compiled while playing in a home park slightly larger than Yosemite. Career OBP over .400. Career OPS+ of 149. Largest forearms of any human being since Ted Kluszewksi. 
Why He Didn’t Get In: Suspected of steroid use by sportswriters whose steroid-detecting supervision could possibly be put to better use replacing backscatter devices at airports around the country. Played with known juicer Ken Caminiti and had enormous forearms. Had the ugliest beard in baseball history, sort of a Gimli-by-way-of-Scott-Ian-from-Anthrax thing going. 

Who: Mike Piazza
Hall of Fame Case: Greatest offensive catcher of all time, bar none. Best 62nd round draft pick of all time, bar none. Better at defense than people remember, escaped playing for the Marlins after only 18 ABs
Why He Didn’t Get In: Lingering suspicion of PED use, fueled largely by Larry David soundalike Murray Chass’ disturbing fascination with Piazza’s back acne. Enduring hatred of the blonde dye job he sported temporarily that made him look like Bill Pullman in Ruthless People.

Who: Tim Raines
Hall of Fame Case: Second greatest leadoff man of all time. 4 year stretch when he was the best player in baseball. 808 SBs, nearly 1000 RBIs as a leadoff guy, power, speed, defense. You name it.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Stubbornly continues to not be Ricky Henderson.

Who: Lee Smith
Hall of Fame Case: At one point, the all time leader in saves. Very, very large human being.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Nobody knows how to evaluate relievers. Is no longer career leader in saves. Has tested positive for non-dairy whipped topping on numerous occasions.

Who: Curt Schilling
Hall of Fame Case: One of the best big-game pitchers of all time. Multiple 300+ strikeout seasons. The bloody sock. 
Why He Didn’t Get In: Counting numbers aren’t that big, largely because he spent the first few years of his career with his head so far up his ass he couldn’t see the plate. Couldn’t keep his mouth shut if he dunked his lower jaw in concrete. Simultaneously borked his game company employees and the state of Rhode Island. Has a reputation as a L00t Ninja in World of Warcraft.

Who: Roger Clemens
Hall of Fame Case: 7 Cy Young Awards. An AL MVP as a pitcher. 3rd all time in ERA. 9th all time in wins. Come on, you know who this guy is.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Let a guy who’d be played by Steve Buscemi in the movie of his life jam PEDs into his and his wife’s butts. Threw a bat at Mike Piazza, not because he was roid raged out, but because he thought it looked like the ball. Gimmick-named his kids. Was a bigger diva than Brett Favre over the back half of his career. Had a head that looked like it fell off a mountain in New Hampshire.

Who: Barry Bonds
Hall of Fame Case: All time career HR champ. All time single season HR champ. Had a  Hall of Fame career in Pittsburgh, then went to San Francisco and played the NL like he was Bo Jackson and it was Tecmo Bowl. 
Why He Didn’t Get In: After years of HGH treatments, became the first chibi drawing to play Major League Baseball. Came across as such a titanic douchenozzle that he made Jeff Kent seem sympathetic. Target for crusty sportswriters eager to defend Hank Aaron’s honor while they conveniently forget they slagged Aaron to defend Babe Ruth’s honor. Did I mention his gigantic melon?

Who: Edgar Martinez
Hall of Fame Case: Best pure DH of all time. Insane rate stats, including a career OPS+ of 147. 
Why He Didn’t Get In: You read the letters “DH” up there, right? Didn’t get started in the majors until age 27 because Mariners management was enamored of the Minnie Minoso career path. Was not permitted to play defense for fear that his knee ligaments would explode out of his body and kill spectators sitting by the third base dugout.

Who: Alan Trammell
Hall of Fame Case: One of the best shortstops of all time. 
Why He Didn’t Get In: Got jobbed out of an MVP by George Bell in 1987. Wasn’t Barry Larkin or Cal Ripken, Jr. In voters minds’, joined at the hip to Lou Whitaker, who got bounced off the ballot faster than MLB makes new promotional caps.

Who: Larry Walker
Hall of Fame Case: Monstrously productive RF with speed, power and a cannon arm. OPS+ of 141. 5 time All-Star, 1-time MVP, 3 time Batting Average champ. Liked to give baseballs to small children.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Short career, frequently injured. Once ran into known steroid user Ken Caminiti in a bar and they exchanged manscaping tips. Played in Colorado back when the Rockies home field was Moon Base Alpha, and had home-road splits like Napoleon invading Russia. Was fond of giving baseballs to small children when there weren’t 3 outs yet.

Who: Fred McGriff
Hall of Fame Case: 493 home runs while staying indisputably clean. Frighteningly consistent, impeccable reputation for being a good teammate. Did those Tom Emanski instructional videos, the baseball equivalent of a Carvel “Fudgie the Whale” ad. 
Why He Didn’t Get In: Didn’t rack up the counting numbers of the guys who were theoretically juicing and thus is theoretically not worthy. Yes, the logic makes my head hurt, too.

Who: Dale Murphy
Hall of Fame Case: Multiple MVPs while playing center field. 7 time All Star, 5 time Gold Glover, Clemente Award winner. So clean he squeaked while he took batting practice. One of the 3 best players in the NL from 1980-1987. Could apparently eat everything in a restaurant except the rotating display cases and never gain a pound.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Forgot how to hit the way the Mel Brooks character in The Muppet Movie forgot how to say anything except “Ribbit”, once 1988 rolled around. Counting numbers aren’t up to the theoretically inflated standards of the steroid guys. Last few seasons were so bad, he was once traded for Jim Vatcher. Shared a rookie card with Bo Diaz.

Who: Mark McGwire
Hall of Fame Case: Hit a lot of very long home runs. Broke Roger Maris’ single season HR record. Helped, with Sammy Sosa, rescue baseball from the post-strike doldrums by hitting a lot of very long home runs. Most prolific HR hitter in history, based on ABs/HR. Did I mention the home runs.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Was outed as a PED user by Jose Canseco, who was presumably jealous that McGwire was hanging out with the cool kids in St. Louis while Jose was bouncing fly balls off his head in the Atlantic League. Batting averages at the end of his career were miserable; after 1990 had very little idea what to do with the leather thing on the end of his hand when he wasn’t batting. I did mention the steroids, yes?

Who: Don Mattingly
Hall of Fame Case: Was really good for a couple of years. Played for the Yankees. That’s about all I’ve got.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Was only good for a couple of years. After a back injury, lost his power faster than the Tunisian government. Neither counting nor rate stats add up. Titanic porn ‘stache frightens some voters.

Who: Sammy Sosa
Hall of Fame Case: Only man with 3 60+ HR seasons. Over 600 HR. With Mark McGwire, helped rescue baseball from the post-strike doldrums by hitting a lot of very long home runs. Best reaction to having his corked bat explode since Graig Nettles. Refused to pee on command for noted journalistic wombat Rick Reilly, making him a hero to millions.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Steroids. Was perceived as a mediocre player who only got good because of the drugs, which completely ignores his early career, but, what the hell. Viewed as a clubhouse cancer late in his career, and sharp drop-off in productivity retroactively tainted his earlier work. Came in a close second to Bonds in the gigantic melon sweepstakes. Pioneered the concept of Manny being Manny before Manny did.

Who: Rafael Palmiero
Hall of Fame Case: 500 HR, 3000 hits
Why He Didn’t Get In: Got nailed for steroids after testifying to Congress that he didn’t use steroids, never mind tantalizing hints dropped by John Perotta that he was actually set up. Won the most ridiculous Gold Glove ever for a year when he hardly ever played the field. Did Viagra ads instead of Tom Emanski videos.

Who: Bernie Williams
Hall of Fame Case: Was a very good centerfielder on a Yankee team that won a lot of games. Was a Yankee. Played his home games in the Bronx. Etc.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Cratered in his age 34 season and refused to fade away gracefully. Counting stats aren’t quite there. Plays jazz guitar, and everyone hates jazz guitar.

Who: Kenny Lofton
Hall of Fame Case: 6 time All Star, 4 time Gold Glove winner. Was the mainstay of my fantasy baseball team for several years.
Why He Didn’t Get In: Was a basketball player in college, so didn’t really get started in the bigs until he was 25. Was never perceived as the best player on his team. May have been confused with Willie “Mays” Hayes from the movie Major League during his years in Cleveland.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

A Modest Proposal, Baseball HoF Edition

Currently, a player needs to have been retired for five (5) years to be eligible for induction into the Hall of Fame.
Many, many voters, having somehow not had sufficient time during those five (5) years between the last pitch and the ballot to determine whether a player was great or not, have publicly stated that they "need another year" to determine someone's worthiness, or want to "wait a year" to figure out their vote or "don't think anyone should ever go in on the first ballot".
Therefore, I propose that eligibility be shifted back to six (6) years after retirement. That will give those writers who are unable to make up their minds about someone's career in five (5) years that extra one (1) year they so clearly need. And, since no one will ever be going in after a mere five (5) years of retirement, no future inductees will stand a chance of outdoing the Hall of Fame voting feats of the various greats already enshrined there, thus rendering happy those voters who could not stand to see modern players get in five (5) years with possibly more votes than players of old.
Also, as numerous players (c.f. Morris, Jack) appear to have gotten significantly greater at playing baseball since they retired and stopped playing baseball, pushing the vote back one (1) year will allow them to acquire even more greatness than if they were being voted on after a mere five (5) years. With that in mind, one might even consider pushing the first ballot back to ten (10) years, or, in a more extreme version of the proposal, until the player has gone on to their final reward, thus ensuring that in their posthumous state, they have achieved maximum greatness and can no longer accrue greater levels of being great, being a winner, pitching to the score, or being feared (with the standard caveat that should the zombie apocalypse occur, the last value is subject to change).
This we, the staff of Sportstodoxy, humbly submit for your consideration.

In South Philly, General Franco Is Still Dead

According to a story over at MLB Trade Rumors, the Phillies are done making moves for now.
One might conceivably argue, after looking at an offseason whose big prizes were Ben Revere, the zombified remains of Michael Young, and John Lannan, that the appropriate response was "how could you tell?"

Monday, January 07, 2013

Sportsthodoxy Guide to the 2013 ESPN MNF Booth

With reports that Ray Lewis has signed a contract to be a part of the ESPN 2013 Monday Night Football broadcast team, we at Sportsthodoxy Central decided you might need some assistance telling the difference between Ray and current MNF color commentator Jon Gruden.


Jon GrudenRay Lewis
Height5'9"6'1"
2000 AFC ChampionshipLostWon
BuseyficationLooks suspiciously like Gary BuseyActs suspiciously like Gary Busey
Super Bowl Rings11
Children36
Sainted Despite...winning the Super Bowl with somebody else's team, against his old team, which was still using his old playbook...maybe killing a couple of dudes
Enormityheadego
Hobbiesdancing with head coaching job offerspregame fireworks dancing
Drink Every Time He Says"They're running a cover-two, man-under""The bottom line is..."
Crazylooks like a psychopathic toymay have killed a couple of dudes

Sunday, January 06, 2013

Great Moments In Sports Journalism, NHL Lockout Edition

From the ESPN.com story about the end of the NHL lockout:

The negotiating process -- which began in June but intensified when the league submitted its first proposal July 13 (one the players found almost universally insulting) -- has been marked by episodes of mistrust, missteps and a significant amount of enmity between the two sides.
There were times players felt disrespected and underestimated, and that their willingness to make concessions went unreciprocated.
On the flip side, the NHL was quick to express, both outright and through back-channel avenues, its lack of trust for Fehr and what it felt were his "negotiating tactics."
So, let me get this straight: The owners locked out the players, starting this whole mess. They submitted unworkable proposals, they refused to make concessions even when the NHLPA was willing, and they slagged their negotiating "partners" - who, after all, are the actual product they're in the business in. But they didn't like Don Fehr, presumably because he stood up for his clients as per his job description, so it's all even.

Those of us with any sort of formal writing training call this "false equivalence". It's a rhetorical trick that lets you present equal sides of an argument with supposedly equal weight, and it's about as intellectually honest as a debate about baldness at the Trump residence. For God's sake, the last round of blowups at the negotiations were about how the NHL would be forced to do its accounting if they got caught hiding revenue. In other words, both sides had already conceded the fact that the owners were going to try to screw the players and evade the basic tenet of the CBA - they were just arguing over what to do once the owners got caught.

But they didn't trust Fehr. And that makes everything they did, presumably, better - at least to their future negotiating partners at ESPN.

The Stanton Rumors

For a team that's not talking about trading Giancarlo Stanton, the Marlins sure are talking to a lot of teams about Giancarlo Stanton. As of today you can add the Padres to the list, with the San Diego front office no doubt entranced by the idea of adding someone to their lineup who can hit it out of Yosemite, never mind Petco.
To even the casual observer, this makes no sense. The stated goal of the Marlins' offensive salary dump was to load up on prospects to build another contending team; Stanton would still be under team control when those prospects (hopefully) matured. He's locked in, he's relatively inexpensive, he's a transcendent talent, and he's the only thing on that team worth watching now that the Smeagol-like Jeffrey Loria has quick-kicked on all of his free agent signings and muzzled Logan Morrison's Twitter account. To trade him now for prospects would be to punt the 2013 season; to trade him now for major league talent would no doubt add unacceptably to the payroll Loria's worked so very hard to flense. (And that's leaving aside the near-impossibility of getting back an equivalent package of talent and youth).
Hell, even if Loria's now looking to sell - having slashed payroll and paid himself nicely - trading a marketable superstar like Stanton would only make the team less appealing as a purchase target.
Which leaves only one possibility: spite. Stanton was visibly and publicly upset when half his locker room got traded out from under him. Maybe this is Loria's way of showing Stanton - and the fans, who dared criticize the Great Man when his transparent swindle of the taxpayers of Miami became apparent - who's boss. Don't like it, suckers? Tough. You're already on the hook for the stadium, even if the guys running out to play in it would lose a seven game series to the '78 Expos - and those guys are all in their sixties. Don't like it, Stanton? Get ready for endless months, if not years, of being jerked around, of having no stability and being the subject of constant speculation.
And that, I think, rings the most true. The Marlins aren't going to trade Giancarlo Stanton, not for a good long while yet. But they are going to jerk him around, to dangle him in rumors hither and yon, to punish him for daring to disagree with the Great And Powerful Oz. It seems entirely in character, and entirely detached from the ostensible purpose of a baseball team, which is to say winning games.
But this is Loria, and we already know how all his stories end. With him getting what he wants, with others ponying up for the privilege of getting screwed by this schnook, and with good players on the next train out of town. It's just too bad for Stanton that his train won't be coming until Loria decides he's learned his lesson.

Friday, January 04, 2013

Things I Think About Baseball Hall of Fame Voting

If you are a sportswriter and you are suffering a deep existential moral crisis over whether to vote for Mike Piazza because Murray Chass claims he had zits on his back, you need to take a deep breath, step back, and turn on the news - the real news - for about fifteen minutes. After you watch reports of the fighting in Syria, the drug war enveloping Mexico, the increasingly gloomy news about what exactly elevated CO2 levels are doing to our planet, and the fact that somebody thinks that Allen West is a worthwhile spokesman for any point of view other than "batshit insane", then ponder the agonies you have put yourself through over Piazza's back zits.
If, at that point, you still feel you must stretch yourself on Procrustes' column inches to declare the horrors of voting for the Hall of Fame, give it up. Voting for the Hall is a privilege and an honor, and most important of all, it's supposed to be a positive thing. It's a chance to honor players you thought were great and celebrate their achievements. Enjoy that. Have fun with it. Revel in your good memories of Jeff Bagwell or Eric Davis or whoever. But for pity's sake, don't turn every ballot into a road show production of Antigone.
Because that takes the fun out of the Hall of Fame, and it makes you look like a self-important ass. And neither of those is what the fans want to see.

***

What's largely missing from the ongoing Hall debates is joy - joy in the fact that the verb attached to baseball is "play", that what we're hopefully celebrating in Cooperstown is a body of work of play that we as fans, regardless of whether we view RBIs as esoteric numerical magic or think Nate Silver is OK as a starter statistician, cherish. Are there guys in the Hall whose body of work, I think, doesn't merit them being in there? Absolutely. Jim Rice? Loved getting the guy's baseball cards when I was a kid, but Dale Murphy was better and he ain't in there. But then again, undeserving guys have been getting in for ages - there's one too many Waners in there - and the world hasn't ended, and baseball hasn't exploded like the Death Star, and the game has gone on. Jim Rice getting elected to the Hall of Fame has absolutely zero effect on my enjoyment of watching David Price. All it means is that there's one more plaque I won't linger over too long if I ever make it to Cooperstown.

***

The debate over steroids - who used them, who didn't, who might have used them - is, I think, laughably misplaced. Yes, steroids and HGH and other stuff got used. And it got used by everyone. Stars, LOOGYs, guys fighting to hang onto the 25th spot on a roster and guys signing seven-year contracts. Yes, guys putting up fat numbers might have used, but so did the guys they were playing against, from the cleanup hitters to the mop-up men. Read the Mitchell Report names. Nobody ever "feared"Adam Riggs coming to the plate. If you're going to penalize these guys for being enhanced, then give them credit for pitching and hitting and fielding against guys who were similarly enhanced. Don't save the moralizing for the guys who were bad interviews, recognize the context and move on.

***

My entirely made up HOF ballot looks like this:

Bagwell
Raines
Bonds
Clemens
Piazza
Trammell
McGwire
Sosa
Biggio
Trammell

Ask me tomorrow and I'd maybe swap out Sosa for Walker. Or Palmiero. Or McGriff. Or, in a moment of weakness, Dale Murphy. But I'd rather celebrate just about anyone on the ballot and the pleasure I got watching them than mean-spiritedly abuse the percentages, turn in a blank ballot, and keep everyone out rather than risk someone I didn't like getting in.